The end is nigh! The end of the year and decade that is, which means the media plagues us not only with ‘Best of 2009!’ recaps, but ‘Best of the ’00s!’ as well. Oh joy. For this reason, I refuse to make any sort of list deeming what I like as the necessities from a certain measure of time and be all “omigosh, you don’t know this band that I love and think everyone else should listen too, except I really don’t because if they get too big I won’t listen to them anymore?”

I am honestly not up with the times considering my age. I’m 21, don’t know anything about Twilight (other than I should be proud of this fact and the pasty guy from Harry Potter is in it), don’t own an iPod, only realized several months ago that Miley Cyrus IS Hannah Montana, and it takes me ten minutes to send a text message. In an effort to be hip, I looked at one of the dreaded lists to see the Top 10 most popular songs this year as chosen by AOL users (people still use AOL?) and decided to give them a listen. But then I got bored/thought most of the songs were crap so I searched Youtube for alternate versions of them instead. Now I share with you the efforts of my time wasting.(We can’t embed videos directly on the blog so I searched the song titles and used my favourite picture results for you to click on to view my findings)

10.  ’Watcha Say’ by Jason Derulo

[This is just a still from the actual video, but it’s super sassy (UN UH, GIRL), so I like it.]
Of course I was not familiar with this song, but I most certainly did know the Imogen Heap song it samples (*cough* steals with permission so they don’t have to come up with their own interesting chorus *cough*). Unfortunately, thanks to The OC (and subsequent mockery on SNL), I associate this song with shooting people. The version I found is by an all guys a cappella group whose falsetto section can sing higher than me, and I was a Soprano 1 in chorus (jealous?). I also enjoy the soloist’s stance and hand gestures, they say, “Yes, I may wish I was on ‘Glee,’ but I can still look like I have street cred. But only if it’s on Main Street, the side streets are a tad dodgy.”

9. ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City

(This is a picture from the anime ‘Grave of the Fireflies,’ which my flatmate made me watch once. It’s terribly depressing and doesn’t have little talking animals or girl superheroes who save the world with the power of friendship like most anime.)
The first time I heard this song, I thought, “This is cute, who is it? The Postal Service?” Naturally, this track was then suddenly EVERYWHERE and became one of those tunes people violently hate or people freak out, turning the radio up to deafening levels like it’s not on every six freaking songs. I don’t dislike the song, though it’s boring and a tad generic, but I am sick of hearing it. One of it’s flaws is that DJs are bound to play it at school dances, yet you can’t quite dance to it. Too slow to dance normal, too electro-y to slow dance to. Yet I found a video of one guy trying to dance to it, but he ends up just looking like a crazy person spazzing out with a pillow. I imagine Linus from Peanuts and his blanket have moments like this.

8. ‘Right Round’ by Flo Rida
(Note: I only just made the connection now that Flo Rida is Florida with a space in it. I immediately looked it up and yes, he’s from Florida. Mind officially blown.)Oh hey, another rap song utilizing a former hit and making gobs of money off it. The only upside to this particular one is I imagine that Flo Rida had to meet with Pete Burns from Dead or Alive to get the rights. If you were not aware, Pete Burns is now a very terrifying looking woman. The thought of those two having tea and chatting music makes me smile. Almost as much as the speed up, chipmunkified version of this song. Almost.

7. ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’ by Kelly Clarkson

(All that came up when I searched the song title was the horribly Photoshopped album cover for this single, so I asked myself what my life would suck without and this is the extremely pathetic answer.)
I have no opinion on this song, honestly. Only the fun fact that my friend’s car brake squeaks to the exact same tune as the chorus. For my video choice, I decided to delve into the many AMVs made using this song. An AMV is an animated music video, aka people with too much time piecing together their favourite cartoons in a way that slightly fits the song. Sadly, I know the cartoon in this particular one, it’s a weird Canadian programme about some sort of ‘reality show’ about high school stereotypes that my flatmates and I in Australia only watched because it was the only thing on (only four channels in Oz) when we usually ate lunch. As I recall, the two characters in this AMV never had any sort of relationship other than the shrimpy kid having an unrequited crush on the goth chick, so I don’t know why they chose to use this instead of the more obvious ‘You Belong to Me’ or some emo song.

6. ‘Use Somebody’ by Kings of Leon

(This is Matthew Followill, the lead guitar player from Kings of Leon. I love him more than a lifetime supply of Pop Tarts, and oh lawd, I could use him alright…)
I’ve had a long time infatuation with Kings of Leon and could go on for ages about how awesome they are and unlike some of their fans who have been there from the start, am glad they’ve FINALLY found success in the US. As one of the two songs on this list I actually enjoy, I’m not going to link to some Youtube jackass I found warbling in an attempt to sound like Caleb and instead I present the only suiting cover by the equally wonderful Bat for Lashes.

5. ‘I Gotta Feeling’ by The Black Eyed Peas

(This pretty much sums up what the song is about. The part where Fergie shouts “CRUUUUNK!” is officially the worst second in music history.)
I despise this song. I really, really do not like it at all and wish the Black Eyed Peas would disappear for another four years like they did last time. They have millions of dollars and can afford to just leave me alone. The official video makes the track even worse, if that’s possible. The version I found is genius (done in one continuous shot!) and if the Black Eyed Peas did anything like this for their videos I would respect them so much more.

4. ‘Pokerface’ by Lady Gaga

Remember how I said I liked two of the ten songs on this list? This is the other one. Yes, it shocks me too. Lady Gaga is undeniably catchy and weird, much like Amy Winehouse and Dolly Parton, my other two obsessions I have no idea why I’m so infatuated with. I was tempted to use the video of Christopher Walkin reading the lyrics (google it if you’re one of the twelve people who hasn’t seen it), but instead opted for the geeky parody. Nerd boys,this one’s for you.

3. ‘Replay’ by Iyaz

(These boots are just as poorly made as this song!)
The only way to make bad pop or rap songs sound good is to have a cute ukulele player cover it. The geeky boys had their song already, this one’s for my nerdettes out there. When he says, “Well, hello friends!” in the beginning, I literally swoon.

2. ‘Down’ by Jay Sean

Jay Sean, Sean John, and Sean Kingston should do a song together, the ‘Sean Song’ (Sean Sha Sean Sean Shawwwwn)! During the Thanksgiving Day parade, Jay Sean “sang” from one of the floats, I didn’t know who he was, yet my Mom did. She has also seen Li’l Bow Wow in concert. I wish I was joking. Unlike the other covers I’ve shared with you today, I found one that somehow makes this song even worse, but significantly more hilarious. HARDXCORE BRO. Game suggestion: Play this video at a party and see which of your friends can stand listening to it for the longest.

1. ‘You Belong with Me’ by Taylor Swift

(Yo Taylor, imma let you finish, but there were way better songs this year than yours to be at Number One, just sayin’…)
The video is quite sweet, though again not so original (a recurring theme in 2009 music) and Taylor seems like a very nice person, but I’m baffled as to how this is the supposed cream of the crop. I’ve accepted that it’s mostly teenage girls buying music and therefore composing these lists, so there’s unfortunately nothing we can do about it. They are an unstoppable force. 2009 was also the year TV turned digital, remember that? It was a huge breakthrough in technology! No? Oh, you probably got rid of that space in your brain with the names of all of Tiger Wood’s mistresses. Ah, 2009. Well, here’s an overly enthusiastic middle-aged man singing a song by a 19-year-old girl with his own lyrics about the digital conversion.

Have a happy 2010, everyone! Let’s hope it’s not like what Arthur C. Clarke envisioned.

The basic definition of a stereotype is “an oversimplified conception: an oversimplified standardized image of a person or group.” We all know stereotyping is BAD. Not all Asians are smart, not all Native Americans are violent alcoholics and not all Mexicans airbrush Jesus on their El Caminos. On the other hand, most every Irish person I know does like to drink, so go figure.
For the purposes of this post, it is important to point out that NOT ALL ITALIANS ARE GUIDOS, ok? But unlike most negative stereotypes where people generally try to disprove the image, there is a subculture of Italian-Americans who embrace the image of the Guido, believe its a great thing and really don’t seem to care about what anyone else thinks about it.
On MTV’s new phenomenon “Jersey Shore”, they take a bunch of Guidos and Guidettes and put them on display for all the world to judge as superficial morons. While we are all aware of their existence (at least in NY/NJ),  we rarely would ever get the chance to judge them so closely without getting a pinky ring to the face.  It’s almost like watching a dangerous group of rare sharks you could never get close to in reality but always heard about.  There has been a lot of hoopla about this show encouraging a “negative” Italian stereotype. I think MTV is definitely exploiting this group of people and their behavior/looks/cultural interests (jaegermeister and self tanner, I believe) as a joke. Yet I dont believe that anyone of the people on this show views themselves as a bad example of an Italian person, though.  I am from New Jersey and I can tell you that the Guidos take themselves very, very seriously. Within their closed community, they truly believe they look amazing, sound cool and are very cutting edge. They spend a lot of time on personal health and maintenance and like to dance and have fun. What is negative about that? MTV created a bullshit environment with Italian flags and Cadillac symbols painted everywhere that screams Italian idiots live there, not just run of the mill douchebags.

Put it to you this way: If MTV had a show called “Murray Hill” and showed a bunch of Jewish college graduates living in the Rivergate with big stars of David painted on the walls and dreidels spinning from the ceiling, with the girls wearing Jimmy Choo sandals while fighting over which Essie nail polish color is the best I would be offended by the show’s portayal of my people, not because it isn’t true to a certain degree.

PS. I never lived in the Rivergate, so eff off.

Um, please don’t make that show, MTV… although I would totally watch it.

We all know by now my feelings about Billy Corgan. So you can imagine my surprise when I heard this little shit nugget of information which just put me on suicide watch: Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan may possibly be an item. In a relationship. Having sex.
You know, I don’t really understand Billy’s taste in women. Everytime I think he’s gone and done it with one stupid hag or another  he completely goes in an opposite, yet equally unattractive direction. (except for Helena Christensen, which I totally supported-if we can’t be together, he should at least be with a glamorous supermodel that is waaaaaay out of my league).

I can almost understand Courtney Love- she was probably a great source of drugs, and her antics most likely kept him laughing for days. I can MAYBE even wrap my head around Tila Tequila- who else will toss your salad and invite other girls along for the ride?

But Jessica?? A faded C-list 90’s pop star who slept with both Nick Lachey AND Bam Margera, which is basically equivalent to mixing white zinfandel and 100 proof Everclear??? I dont know what these two even TALK about!!!! Here’s a topic: How about the fact that you both were minimally popular for different reasons and are both totally and utterly uninteresting by today’s standards and the only thing about either one of you that is remotely REMOTELY interesting is that you are possibly touching genitals. So there!!!

Sorry Billy for being so harsh. Consider this an intervention. 

Stop. You had me at “Dr. Drew”. 
Obviously, Celebrity Sex Rehab on Vh1 is like a dream come true for me: Tears, fighting, people going to group therapy in their robes, dirty secrets, strictly enforced bans on masturbation…I mean, does it get any better??? *
I am under the impression that the term “sex addict” is relatively new. Back in the day we used to call people perverts and nymphos, but apparently that was just ignorant. These people have uncontrollable sexual urges and it’s a sickness that needs to be cured. Leave it to some Z-level celebrities you have never heard of unless you have been dumpster diving in the porn discount bin at your local video store to blow the lid off this hidden epidemic.  Obviously VH1 is using the term “celebrity” loosely, because I really have never heard of one of the people on this show–but it doesn’t make it less awesome watching one of them try to convince their friends to smuggle in their vibrator on visiting day. Sure, it would be a lot cooler if it was someone like Winona Ryder or Lindsay Lohan (two people I can totally picture there), but  I’ll take what I can get. Thankfully there is no one too old or disgusting on this show, which just proves that if you are young and generally un-ugly, people will not be revolted by your promiscuity and pervy face. Bring Gary Busey into the mix and it’s a whole other creepy story.
Don’t get me wrong. There are sad and horrible reasons why some of these people are in this predicament in the first place. I just don’t see why it’s necessary to publicly broadcast this kind of personal information for gossip hounds and TV retards (such as myself) to use it for entertainment. If you want to make a difference then go to a high school and talk about it, not basic cable at 10 pm after “Rock of Love”. If you want me to eat old Halloween candy and become mesmorized by your acne scars and count how many cigarettes you smoke while painting your emotions on a T-shirt, then please CARRY ON!!!

*The answer is YES, “Jersey Shore” is starting on MTV on Thursday! Holy Shit, this week is gonna be AWESOME!!!.

Imagine my shock last night when watching the 25th Anniversary Rock & Roll Hall of Fame concert upon realizing Bea Arthur is not dead, but rather alive and well as Graham Nash.

Also last night, Paul McCartney called David Crosby and finally relinquished his title as the Walrus to its rightful owner.  All hail the Walrus.

The last time I blogged about a mid-season replacement reality show it was the resplendent Dating in the Dark.  Tonight James 3.0 and Nate beDazzle subjected me to the nob job that is Find My Family.  Here’s the skinny on the worst show I’ve seen since I tried to go back to watching All My Children when I had mono in college.  Long lost adoptees are reached out to by their birth parents/sisters/brothers/turtles/dogs/families they never knew… on national television.  Tonight’s episode featured parents who desperately needed to feel absolved for giving up the child they had when they were too young to raise her.  

I am not anti-adoption.  That’s your choice.  I can’t imagine having to make a decision with that kind of gravity.  My largest daily decision is if I want to eat peanut M&Ms out of the communal office H1N1 cesspool and if I eat said-M&Ms (which I usually do - take that Swine!) how many extra minutes I’ll have to spend on an aerobic torture device that night.  I hold near and dear friends who have adopted, who are adopted and who have given up children for adoption.  The difference is, there is, usually, put in place an agreement beforehand as to what will/should happen as to the child knowing their birth parents.  I assure you, nowhere in those agreements are written the words “at 9 PM following Dancing with the Stars.” 

There is so much fundamentally morally wrong with this show.  So.  Much.  But I think the worst part is that the geniuses at network are perpetuating the mindset that adoptive parents are not real parents.  I have news for you kids,  those adoptive parents of yours ARE your parents and they are infinitely more worthy of you than the boners that want to take you on national television to meet you under the FAMILY TREE (read: a tree that has been planted on a hill somewhere behind the Hollywood sign).  Hey ABC, before you make these people sign away their rights to profiteer off one of the most profound and what should be touching moments of their lives to play in syndication if you so choose, are you going to show those kids the tapes from the cutting room floor of you tracking down some deadbeat parents who slam the door on your cameras when you show up?  Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

What is happening, friend-os?  This is not something that people should be watching, and not something off of which broadcasters should be making sweet greenbacks.  Am I wrong here - is this not complete voyeurism?  Is there another side I don’t see?

Shocker of the day - Ronnie Wood is getting divorced and his wife is citing adultery.  Now, when marrying one of the largest rock stars in the world, don’t you pretty much sign-up for adultery?  I’m just saying even the name of his band - THE ROLLING STONES - implies that he can’t be tied down. 

The Rolling Stones are my all-time favorite rock band.  Yes, over the Beatles.  I am not saying I don’t like the Beatles and they weren’t genius (because, I do and, clearly, they were), but I was raised on the Rolling Stones.  Plus, for my money I like a little Chicago Blues-infused dirty rock from corpses.  They also have the added benefit of being, hands down, the best example of “sexy-ugly” ever. 

Ronnie Wood jumped from my 4th favorite Rolling Stone to my 3rd favorite (yes I rate them) after I read of his ideas for his daughter’s eccentric wedding.  For the record the VERY TIGHT order as of today is:

1) Keith Richards for many reasons - for reports that he snorted his Dad’s ashes, for being the oldest looking man on the planet, and for one of my favorite quotes: “It’s not the first brush with death I’ve had. I guess what I learned is, don’t sit in trees anymore.” after falling out of a tree and injuring himself in 2006.

2) Charlie Watts for drumming with the same expression since 1963, for being the only Roller faithful to his wife, and for landing a spot on Vanity Fair’s Best Dressed International Hall of Fame list.

3) Ronnie Wood, well, for the dwarves thing and for looking like he could be one of my grandma’s friends from her English Ladies Club of war brides in Minnesota.

4) Mick Jagger: the list is really tight, and on any given day after listening to Exile on Main Street or watching any concert footage and realizing he’s one of the most charismatic performers who ever lived…be jumps to #1.

Moral of the story: don’t marry rockstars.  If you do, enter in with a sharing attitude and be prepared to get tested for STDs at least once a month.

I break my silence of a few months, which was mostly due to the utter lack of any interesting news stories to inspire my rants. Yes, there were countless “celebrity” deaths and the whole Balloon Boy thing (which I didn’t even know about until way after it happened because I watched a ‘Roseanne’ marathon instead of the news that day) but those were so overdone that anything I’d have to say on those topics would be lost in a sea of snark and pathetic fan tears. I was slightly tempted to write about Amy Winehouse getting breast implants, but the only comment I could come up with is that she’s well on her way to achieving what I can only assume is her goal of looking like Ramona Rickettes from Cry-Baby. On Halloween, I was close to posting my take on the Saw franchise making its way up to the number of Police Academy films and how I pray it doesn’t surpass Land Before Time sequels.

But today, the obvious hit me. Literally, someone threw a baseball with a Yankees logo on it at me because they know I’m Philly born and raised (though on the playground I did not spend most of my days). The tension of the World Series is all around and I quite frankly just want it to end, whether the Phillies win or lose. Technically, I’m a Phillies fan in that I’ll cheer for them at a game, but right now I seem to be one of a few sane people in the tri-state area. Philly and New York are supposed to be bros! Of all the major cities, we’re the most similar, what with our high populations of hipsters, citizens with a larger tolerance of tourists and crazies than the average person, obese people who don’t question buying pretzels from a homeless guy at a crosswalk, and outrageous accents in common (which makes Chicago our midwest cousin). Unfortunately, we also share an obnoxious obsession with sports that would be considered psychotic anywhere else.

I can’t log on to Facebook without seeing hundreds of status’ eloquently stating “Yo, NY, YANK DEEZ!” accompanied by photos of rude gestures. Yet, these are the same people I seem to recall constantly going on about their weekend trips to NYC and how they wish they could live there. In the same vein, most Yankees fans I know are from New Jersey and in the sports off-season, love NYC and Philly as places equally. So what makes sports suddenly turn our asshole-iness up to 11 and cause fights to break out? I’m sure we’ll cure cancer before that answer is discovered. But on last night’s Daily show, they sure did a great job of capturing it in a hilarious, bipartisan manner.

I’m not sure if the game is on now or not, but I honestly wish the Yankees good luck no matter the outcome. Either way, there’ll be riots in the streets of Philly. Stay classy, everyone.

My Boston correspondent and insanely fashionable college roommate, Carolyn*, alerted me to this distressing trend-in-the-making.

I apologize for the long hiatus, friends. The last couple weeks have been a shit storm;  Kevin Smith-like in nature.

In late July, I found out I was being transferred to London by my job.

By early August, I was here, fresh off the plane like an eager American rube ready to find the first single man with decent teeth, foreskin, good hygiene and a manor home. I moved from my beloved Astoria apartment of four years in just two weeks—said adieu to many dear friends, and parted with most of my crap; which consisted off way too many clothes, books, movies, and differing types of tea.

I found a charming flat in the posh end of Notting Hill; easily the nicest place I’ve ever lived and by far the most expensive.

I went to Paris on the Eurostar with my Mom, am pretty sure I caught a bad strain of swineflu on said train, suffered trashy night clubs in Shoreditch with American friends on Holiday, made some bad decisions, ate fantastic curry.

August was a good month. Scary, but full of promise. As promising as moonlight in a martini. (Moonstruck quote I can’t take credit for. Thanks, John Patrick Shanley.)

Work issues complicated things and back stateside was this Bridget McJones for five weeks of melancholy and resentment.

Only good things that came from the five weeks of limbo was catching a dear friend’s play and a dear friend’s nuptials back in New Amsterdam. Everything else from mid September to mid October can go into the internal file of “bad weeks/bad behavior/drunk in parents’ basement yelling about socialism.”

All that kvetching off my chest, I got back to Blighty last week and wanted to share some observations as an ex-pat that have been surprising to me.

1. Americans living and working in London are EVERYWHERE.

Maybe it’s my neighborhood, but everywhere I go I hear accents like mine and it’s comforting and disconcerting at the same time. Like eating mushrooms and have your dog speak to you.

It also brings to mind the old WWII saying the Brits had for us Yanks:

“Oversexed, overpaid, and over here.”

2. London cab drivers are the best cab drivers in the world.

Firstly, they know how to get anywhere. Which is impressive in a city where locals get lost on the confusing, narrow, medieval streets. Apparently, they have to pass some psychotic street/directions test which is like taking the LSAT to become certified to drive a PT Cruiser, all day.

Secondly, they’re extremely friendly and English is their first language. Call me a xenophobe, and believe me, I’ve been called worst, but it’s refreshing to get into a cab fall down drunk and have an intelligent, polite conversation about Obama or Gordon Brown or the cabbie’s last trip to Florida with the missus.

3. British TV is really limited

Almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, these are the shows you can find on UK basic TV.

a) Cooking shows

b) House flipping shows, home improvement, antiques roadshow et al

c) documentaries

d) wacky reality TV

On the five free channels I get in my flat, I can consistently watch a cooking show, a house selling/improving/bargain basement finding show with annoyingly perky presenters and equally dour real folk, a documentary on being obese in Sheffield, addicted to smack and about to bear a third child at the age of 20, or Scary Spice moving to the midlands with a poor family trying to help them get off the dole and become functioning members of society.

With the exception of CSI: Miami (Where’s Joel McHale, when you need him?), Murder, She Wrote (IT’S ON EFFING EVERYDAY)Friends repeats (kill me), Ugly Betty (euthanize me), True Blood Season 1 (a haven from the storm), or The Simpsons (always safe), I get very little variety aside from the occasional movie. This past week included Cutthroat Island, Superman II, The Rugrats Movie, and Blade II. And that Matthew Broderick movie from the 80’s with the monkeys.

I may have to break down and get cable soon.

4. The London Underground smells like pee and gives you black boogers

You get spoiled in NYC with air conditioned trains, only going down or up one level, and consistent service unless you live in Brooklyn.

In London, while they have a much more organized, easy-to-transfer anywhere system, the trains are constantly not running. And you go into the bowels of the earth (hence the black bogeys) and most trains are stuffy and smell like pee. I blame the pee smell not on bums, but on unwashed genitals.

_________________________________________________________

That being said, it’s great to be back. I love cinemas where people don’t talk, free museums, easy and affordable access to the rest of Europe and mild autumn/winter weather where it doesn’t get much colder than 50 degrees fahrenheit, ever.

I hope there is still time to meet my very own Mr. Darcy and start talking with a fake British accent, like Madonna.

Cheers!

PS. Discussed this with a fellow ex-pat last weekend…no Americans here speak with a British accent. Idioms change, but not pronunciations. You can take the girl out of Northeast Ohio, but you can’t take the Ohio out of the girl. Shame on you, Madge!