In the news today George Bush was seen bringing his a-game at the recent G-8 summit when he closed the meetings by punching into the air and saying “goodbye from the worlds biggest polluter.” The only thing that would have made the situation better was if he started chanting “u-s-a.” Which by the way, I recently heard at a bar in Alabama. I still can’t figure out what set the crowd off. Perhaps the sight of a parking lot filled with over sized SUV’s got everyone super excited about being American. As I was told last night by one of the members of The Indelicates (who were great) the US seems to enjoy excessiveness, especially at restaurants.

Speaking of recent trips to Alabama, some pictures (mostly of Jenny) from our trip to the deep south.

Firewerkz

The view from our balcony

Shrimp boats and oyster shells in Bon Secour, AL.Most likely where Bubbagump would have originated if it were real

Pink guns for the ladies!

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Having worked in the fashion industry for 8 years now, I’d thought I’d seen everything possible with regards to new clothing. I’ve seen seasons where yellow is the new black and others in which burlap grocery bags (which apparently aren’t grocery bags…or something like that) are the must have of the moment.

Rarely am I shocked by what comes out of designers. For the most part, one can expect a few highlights, a few mainstays and of course a few oddities in between. I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure which season this was ever created, but I’m loving it. It’s like the “jackalope” of clothing. Merging two worlds that seemingly having nothing to do with each other in order to create a new hybrid piece of clothing, “the jean-kini.”

What gets me most about this item, is while it is apparently supposed to mix bathing suit with jean, it comes out looking a lot more like freshman in college with her underwear sticking out. Anyway, apparently that’s really hot right now. I’m waiting for another Cavalli collection at H&M to feature these in faux snake skin. It would make my year…

What a week. I got back from LA on Monday, turned 31 on Wednesday, got taken out on a hot date for the b-day (thanks JP,) and am now getting sick in time for the weekend. Oh well, it’s not all that bad. On my west coast adventure I discovered something that really has me feeling good about life despite the growing burn in my chest: Bacon, Egg and Cheese Cracker Combos.

Personally, I don’t eat eggs. I wish I could, but every time I watch the albumen drip from a cracked egg shell, I say to myself “wow, so that’s where babies come from.” I just personally can’t stomach eating foods which have the following:

Cytoplasm

Chalaza

Nucleus of Pander, and so on.

Anyway, lucky for me, there isn’t actually any egg or bacon in these tasty treats. I personally picked up a bag at rather busy little 7-11 complete with token wino standing at the door. My rating? Not so good. I’d describe it as tasting exactly like a McDonalds Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwich (which I haven’t had in a long time, but do miss on occasion.) While that flavor isn’t exactly so bad, I found the experience to be somewhat of a let down. Where’s the grease? Where’s the oh so delicious oozy cheese? No where, that’s where…

So…if you find yourself craving the flavor of a (dry, unmoist) fast food breakfast sandwich at say 4pm, go to LA, pick up a bag of Bacon, Egg and Cheese combos, grab some Pimp Juice and you’ve got yourself a really good time.

Also tried:

Chili Limon Cheetos (4 stars)

Limon Lays Potato Chips(2 1/2 stars)

Wasabi Funyuns (3 stars)

Oh right, I also found a photo shop that does head shots (of course, duh) and doggy paw-traits. Look at little scampers on his mountain top, doesn’t he look cute?

Finally I can take a day off without hiding under my covers wondering if someone is going to call me about some issue that needs my immediate help. Mind you these terribly important issues generally deal with things that could wait a few days. Regardless I have a phone happy boss, who in addition to calling me at all hours, sends me emails as early as 5:45am- No Lie. But that’s not really a complaint, I’m actually amazed at how little sleep he gets, yet still manages to run a company.

Anyway….as it’s a holiday weekend, I wanted to share some of my favorite summer places to go in the NYC Metro area. I make it an absolute must that I get to at least three of these places every year. If I don’t I turn into a pumpkin on September 21st and you will never here/see from me again.

Brighton Beach.

Some people have told me Coney Island skeeves them out a little bit. I can understand. I can’t deny seeing pieces of broken bottles in the sand or happening upon the occasional condom-fish floating in the water. However just a 5 minute walk down the boardwalk takes you into New York City’s “little russia.” Aside from the boardwalk cafes serving fine easter european food and beer, the beaches are much nicer and calmer. Also the women, much, much more beautiful and often topless.

Shelter Island

If you’ve never been, I highly recommend it. During the height of the summer, it’s fairly expensive and you may get some douchebag-itude if you wander into the wrong areas. Later in the season in September, the prices drop and the island becomes your own. Overall, it’s New England fishing town/island meets Long Island. What does that mean? It means you’ll have access to comforts that New Yorkers and Long Islanders demand, like good food, an Andre Balazs hotel and lots of Mercedes. You can find a cheap room at one of the inn’s on the island, such as the Chequit, rent bicycles and explore the forests and beaches of this little gem.

Six Flags Great Adventure

The Scream Machine, Nitro, the evil, evil Kinda Ka and so much more make 6 flags a must do for me. While I’m getting a bit more fearful of heights as I get older, I feel like the desire to piss my pants keeps me young and spry. Off the subject, I’ve seen the new commercials and my girlfriend and I both agree that playing with cats with a laser pointer or playing with cats in general is at least 3 flags and not the 1 flag it’s described as.

Gulf Shores Alabama

Last but not least on my list of to do’s is visiting my folks in Alabama. Gulf shores is located about an hour west of Pennsicola. It’s often described as”what Destin, Fl was like before it became a tourist destination.” There’s still a lot of out of towners, but a busy day on the sand means there may be 5-10 people for every 20 ft of beach. In addition to the Gulf of Mexico, there’s a water park, a triple tiered go kart track, legal fireworks, all the fried food you can eat at Lulu’s (Jimmy Buffet’s sisters place) and golf if your into it, like my dad is. I doubt you’ll ever, ever make it there but if you do you’re sure to find the people are overly friendly and full of vibrant cheer. All of this despite the sheer devestation brought to this area by Hurricane Ivan. I’m looking forward to this summer as the town is nearly back on track and apparently the Pink Pony will be in full effect with some new neighbors. Yay!

Lots to accomplish, I’m off to see what I can get done.

Don’t look surprised kitteh, It’s officially our last night in Brooklyn. Tomorrow I return to the “island.” No more will I awake to the sound of birds singing (this happens starting at 5:30am, so I’m ok with this.) No longer will I be stuck in a 4 block radius on the weekend. And from now on, I will be known as “Mr. Downtown.” Ok, not really. But here are some more things I’ll miss- for all of you who fear leaving Manhattan this is your intro to Northern Brooklyn aka Greenpoint.

Good Bye Garden- your prices weren’t the most thrilling, but you always made me feel like I lived in a real neighborhood with your fancy produce and gross raw tea drinks that I loved so much.

Good Bye video store. I got rid of Netflix and agreed to paying your hefty late fees all because I liked you guys. No matter that I could have bought most the movies I rented from you given the fees I paid for each.

Good Bye Best Thai food in Northern Brooklyn. What’s that you say? “Thai Cafe rocks.” Hardly, young foolish person. Ott is the bomb. Naughty Nature should have written “You down with O-t-t?” and I would have yelled back “yeah…oh yeah, you know me.”

Good bye meat markets. I didn’t really go to you guys much, but when I did, you smelled like smoked meat and…smoked meat. You were certainly a sight to see.

Good Bye Rock-a-billy barber. You’re cool. I’ll miss our conversations about girls with “tig old bitties” and the “loser douchebags” who were moving into our area. Your poignant rant about guys with curly mustaches was right on the money and I hope if you ever move back to Arizona, you remember your time in New York as one that was filled with frustration and bluegrass music. PS. they also do car detailing by request.

My street in the spring. From the drunk polish retiree’s to the kids smoking blunts on their stoops, you rocked India St. Good Bye…

My building, uh, no you were gross and should be burned to the ground. I was somewhat into the fact that Mae West apparently lived here, but as a whole, you caused me sleepless nights and loss of furniture for reasons I choose not to elaborate on. Google it..

Well that does it. I’m outta here. Goodbye Brooklyn. Peace bitches!

I’ve taken some heat over the years for living in Brooklyn. I’ve never really understood what Manhattan-ites see as so horrible about my beloved borough. After all, we’re the home of Juniors cheesecake, Coney Island and one of the largest oil/Chemical spills in US history. There’s an old joke that I always like to think about in reference to my time in the BK. What do Brooklyn and women in tight jeans have in common? They both got Flatbush.

Anyway, I’m making this a two parter because I plan to add a more personal touch to my next post. For now, you get stock images with witty commentary only. I just wanted to take a trip back down memory lane and revisit a few of the things I will miss. Oh and by the way… I am totally psyched to be moving back into the city. Fuck Brooklyn, yo! (Just kidding, I’ll always love you…)

I will miss:

The overuse of Vinyl Siding

Brooklyn Bike Culture

Diner (don’t worry I’ll come visit you…you’re too good to say bye to)

Visiting friends new apartments in shady-ass “East” Williamsburg (aka bushwick)

Brighton Beach

The “Hell” train (L)

and so much more…but for now I’ve got to run and sign my new lease. Until next week when we do part 2.

I’ve probably seen every type of porn there is. I’m somewhat like Bubba from Forest Gump- with his endless knowledge of ways to prepare shrimp- except I know dirty movies and indecent sex acts. After all, I went to an all boys military school back in the early 90’s and got to see a wide variety of smut on a regular basis. Similar to prison, where cigarettes are traded like cash, we worked on a complicated monetary system consisting of porn magazines, ramen noodles and chewing tobacco (no smoking- EVERYone “dipped”.) It wasn’t uncommon to hear such phrases as “Hey man, you still got that Swank magazine? I’ll trade you two cup-o-noodles and a “re-dip” for it.”

After high school, I discovered Internet porn and that pretty much changed my life forever. Well, until I dated a feminist “womyn” who wasn’t into the x-rated scene so that put a damper on my porno fixation for a little while.

Many years later and many girlfriends past, I met a woman who shared my affinity for tasteless boning videos. And we’re still together and we do it all the time and it’s great.

So what’s my point??? Mmmm, donno. Basically I’m a pervert and I think this site is amazing. And yes…Ben Stein is apparently one of the voices.

Porn for the Blind

I stumbled upon an Earth Day “event” next to Grand Central by coincidence today. I was on my way to pick some shoes up from a repair shop and happened to hear the sounds of live music coming from around the corner. I’m always excited for a little street fair action, after all I am running low on socks (if you’ve not been to a typical New York street fair, there are always a lot of stands selling socks and t-shirts- it’s really bizarre.)

While I’m not a conservationist on paper (it’s wasteful,) I tend to lean towards what some would call “green living.” I do little things like not leaving the water run while I brush my teeth, recycling, I cut up the plasticky things from 6 packs, etc. I’m also not a huge meat eater and I try to buy local and organic. I feel like I’m doing my part in some small way. I even have weird pepperminty/hempish smelling soaps in my bathroom.

I have to say I was somewhat turned off by this particular event. It all seemed rather wasteful and not really what I feel the idea of such an event would entail. I didn’t have a camera, so I used my trusty LG phone to try to capture the essence of Earth Day at Grand Central. Enjoy.

I knew I was onto something good when I stumbled upon this flyer thrown callously on the sidewalk. “Excuse me, is that litter made from recycled paper?”

Perhaps the litter came from this or one of the 50 stands that were crammed with wasteful paper handouts. “Sir, would like to learn more about saving trees? Have a flyer.”

Thankfully Toyota decided to bring us “The Hybrid Experience” so everyone could get a glimpse of how people will be more responsible with their fossil fuels and electricity in the future. Lucky for us it had A/C to keep us cool while we “experienced” the future via flat screen HDTV.

“Pardon me little girl, is that balloon..anim..flowe….whatever it is…made from a sustainable source of rubber?”

Creating climate for change…one mile at a time.

Mmmm, yogurt, rock climbing for the kids and an open shot of a gas guzzling engine. Nice…

Quote of the day: “We’re going to play a sissy song now. The only way we get booked at these folk events is if we play a few sissy songs. Get ready for a sissy song everyone.”

Yes, plant a tree. I’ve heard this suggestion before, but it wasn’t until someone created a large interactive computer display case that I really got the point.

See you next year for Earth Day at Grand Central part 2! I’ve heard rumors it’s being sponsored by Purdue’s new line of “free” range chicken parts and Hummer’s new fuel efficient truck, the Hum G, “for that discerning “G” who likes to keep it green like his paper.”

I had a rather strange emotional moment this past week when my best friends of many years moved away. I’ll leave them unnamed as they’re weird about privacy. They’ve refused to join myspace or facebook as they’re concerned “weird people will contact them.” So no internet naming for them.

It;s hard to explain. I would describe it as an empty feeling mixed with uncertainty about my future. I mean so many people in this city talk about getting out one day but as time progresses you wonder if that will every actually happen. I’m totally into the idea of one day having house with a yard and yes I want kids. But how does one go about leaving a place where everything is at your fingertips? What I do when I’m jonesing for ice cream and I’m out of toilet paper and it’s 2am?

I guess I could drive to a gas station, but that would require me to have a car which i haven’t had since…mmm 1997, I think.

As my friend said to me the other day, “the city feels like protection from everything that exists outside of here.” Meaning, in NYC we’re protected from soccer moms, religious zealots and the concept of making a day out of a trip to Walmart.

I guess it’s not all that bad. I’m looking forward to taking trips “up the country” in the summer and perhaps it will be training for me if I ever do leave this place. For now, I’m going to live as an armchair commuter and suburbanite and see how that goes.

I noticed a rather strange letter sitting at the front desk of my office today. While the name and street adress look similiar to where I work. i realized somehow the post office mistook our 42/43rd st address and name of company with that of the Moma, located on 53rd street adress. I got a kick out of it as it seemed to odd to mis deliver a letter by 10 blocks.

Then to further astonish me, I saw who sent the letter. Apparently inmate 09815-065 from an unnamed federal correctional institution. My interest reached an all out frenzy. I took the letter back to my office and have stared at it for some time now. I don’t really want to open it out of respect for the privacy of the person who sent it. But what if he’s some crazy child rapist or a murder? What types of things would he write to the Moma? I broke out in a full sweat thinking about how ghoulishly interesting it could all be. Of course, It could also be rather boring questions, comments, positions, etc.

It’s making me crazy. I’ve gone ahead put a “please forward” on the envelope, but am finding it difficult to part with my new cherished item. I mean, I won’t open it, I’m pretty sure, I’m just going to look at it and dream up crazy ideas of what may be inside.

Oh well, my better side gets to me. I’m dropping it in the mail on my way out.