My Boston correspondent and insanely fashionable college roommate, Carolyn*, alerted me to this distressing trend-in-the-making.

I just can’t say no to Arianna Huffington. I’ll be recapping Project Runway this year on the Huffington Post, but I’ll be sure to keep posting about dumb fashion here.

Project Runway Season 6 starts in eight days, y’all. I am really going to recap this year. Like, for really real. Like, by Friday afternoon real.

And Fafarazzi, which provides endless entertainment for me during each cycle of ANTM, has launched a PR Fantasy league. It is so on. Won’t you join me?

Jean-Charles de Castelbajac, you read my mind. You knew what my wardrobe is missing! A Muppet tux. And a tiny, severed Kermit head to wear as a jaunty piece of scalp flair.

But if I already have the Kermit cap, oh, I simply must have a coat to match.

(I love how all of the Kermit dolls have hideous grimaces, as if they are in terrible pain, or at least realize how stupid they look).

I’ve also always wanted to stick my hands inside a cozy Muppet muff. Preferably one with a unibrow.

A coordinating cap with ear flaps the size of ceiling fan blades would be amazing.

Would it be too much to say the hell with it and just cover my crotch with a giant Muppet face?

Maybe too much; Animal is not amused.

I know you’re thinking, Who would wear that, really? Who would encase her nether regions inside a surly Muppet head? But if you stop for a moment, breathe deeply, and clear your mind, I bet the answer will come to you.

Lifetime has posted photos and videos of the season 6 contestants for Project Runway! And because I am committed to being a good recapper this year, I am starting early at handicapping their chances. There is a retarded amount of video online here if you want to watch it, but I already did, so you don’t have to. (FYI my “first impressions” were recorded before I watched any video, so are based solely on the photos you see here):

First impression: If Delta Burke, Dixie Carter, Jean Smart and Annie Potts had a baby….without the aid of Anthony.
Annoyance level: Low. Althea is bubbly and cute without being too ditzy and seems pretty self-aware.
Style: S&M Barbie. A lot of leather, but not Stella leatha. More like Forever 21 faux leather.

First impression: Why is Samantha Ronson on this show? Shouldn’t she be DJing or filing restraining orders against LiLo?
Annoyance level: Low. She reminds me of basically every person that went to Wesleyan: artsy, smart, probably bi. You’d want to have dinner with her, but at a restaurant, not at her house. She’d make you eat spelt pasta and probably wouldn’t serve booze.
Style: LL Bean Couture. Everything is reversible with this girl. Her life’s dream is to make “a jacket that turns into a backpack that turns into a tent.” Direct quote.

First impression: Never trust a girl with two first names.
Annoyance level: Medium. Has a tendency towards sorority girl inflections, not terribly articulate. Goes by “C.H.” Also, no points off for this, but video makes it look like she is homeless and lives out of her car.
Style: Structured and girly. Pieces you’d immediately want to wear, but very mainstream.

First impression: Token straight guy.
Annoyance level: So low! Midwestern gay, exceedingly cute and witty. Shops at Walmart for fabrics, has partner named Ronnie with whom he collects adorable knickknacks.
Style: Pieces for young women with interesting details like inside-out pockets and fur. Not too daring but the recessionista vibe will win him points, as will his cute tee-shirts.

First impression: Be frightened of New Yorkers with one name.
Annoyance level: Very low. Has adorable family and is much less scary than his photo. Still goes by only one name, however, which is always annoying (but perhaps understandable since first name is Rodney?)
Style: High fashion. Had piece at Museum of the City of NY already; Tim Gunn and Laura from season 3 think he’s too good for the show. Gauntlet officially thrown down.

First impression: Best name ever. Am pronouncing it with a hard G no matter what. Take-no bullshit European.
Annoyance level: Low. From former Yugoslavia, lives in SC with two teenage children. Has boutique, obviously hardworking. Will be pissed when she is auf’ed in favor of a 24 year-old fashion school grad (Althea, Carol Hannah, I am looking at you).
Style: Very feminine pieces with a lot of detail.

First impression: Kim Kardashian. Is that racist?
Annoyance level: Medium. Has a poodle named Princess, which is an immediate black mark. Also uses the word “Oriental.” But seems capable, if a little JAP-y. Even though she’s from Republic of Georgia. Do they have Jews there? I think so, it’s a former part of the Soviet Union. I should have consulted Wikipedia before typing.
Style: Structured, feminine clothes, plus she makes hand-tooled leather handbags.

First impression: OK, no this is the token straight guy. Or the guy who lost the role of Turtle on Entourage to Jerry Ferrara.
Annoyance level: [First, DAMMIT, wrong again. Are there no straights on this show??] Realtively low. Very earnest, has tried out for show four times already, seems like a nice guy.
Style: Lattice-work detailing and punk-rock damask silk jackets. Pretty cool.

First impression: Asshatus Maximus
Annoyance level: High. I could barely watch his audition tape to the end because I had to fix my douchebag meter, which had exploded. Narcissistic, pretentious… Logan is, at least, a good foil for all of the relatively nice people we’ve seen so far. Think Santino but without the sense of humor. Ugh.
Style: Rocker chick, but retro and pretty. Although he did create an acid-wash denim puff skirt for his casting session. With elastic pockets.

First impression: Diablo Cody meets Janeane Garofalo’s character in Reality Bites, looks-wise. Let’s hope her personality matches.
Annoyance level: Medium-high. She’s quirky in a vaguely creepy way, like keeping tons of antique doll heads in her apartment. Her audition tape, which consisted of Louise awkwardly reading cue cards with her head sticking out of a homemade cutout, made me cringe.
Style: Vintage/retro (she loves the 17th century), but with her own couture twists. Based a really cool top (made of opera gloves!) on Winona Ryder’s Beetlejuice character.

First impression: Fresh out of Parsons, likely obnoxious (pensive hand on face pose = dead giveaway)
Annoyance level: Medium-high. Definitely believes he “deserves” to be on the show at 24, and lists his favorite designer as “Myself”. Is, however, well-spoken and cares a lot about social change and using fashion as a tool to reflect the changing culture.
Style: Loose, androgynous pieces (think slouchy hoodies and shapeless dresses). Very of-the-moment but not terribly memorable.

First impression: Dexter meets Emmet from Season 2. Either gentle giant …. Or psycho killer.
Annoyance level: Low. Neither gentle giant (he’s a charismatic Southern boy, like Kayne from season 3, but if Kayne were on Xanax and stopped dyeing his hair) nor psycho killer (fox-pelt rug notwithstanding), Mitchell is polite and well-groomed and the kind of boy you’d take home to Mom (but only if you also are a boy as Mitchell is gay as the day is long).
Style: Ethereal tops and dresses in neutral colors (he’s red/green colorblind). Interesting textures and great workmanship. So far Mitchell’s are the clothes I’d most want to wear.

First impression: John Hodgman in a very bad wig.
Annoyance level: Low verging on medium. He’s actually pretty likeable and charismatic, but definitely thinks highly of himself and his work (albeit with good reason: he’s had pieces featured in W magazine and does “featherwork” for Marchesa). Faint Euro accent (he’s Russian, and lived in London for years) could swing Nic either way on my annoyance meter. Only time will tell.
Style: Sequins! Sparkles! Feathers! It’s part old Hollywood glamour, part disco flash, and it’s really rather fabulous.

First impression: LOVE. HER.
Annoyance level: Low. She’s just what you’d think from her photo: Bubbly, down-to-Earth, easy to like.
Style: “Plus-sexy.” Qristyl has designed for Queen Latifah and tends towards colorful fabrics in classic shapes like A-line swing dresses and sheaths. Sadly I have a feeling that the plus-size specialty won’t serve her well, unless she gets a plus-size model.

First impression: Oh, black Clark Gable, you are fahhhhhbulous, darling.
Annoyance level: Low with a chance of medium. His throaty voice and flamboyant wardrobe make Ra’mon-Lawrence someone you want to watch. He seems poised to be Jerell-esque, only more fierce, but could turn out to be a dick. It’s hard to tell.
Style: With the most range of the group (at least judging from what he showed during his casting), R-L can pull off everything from a simple white shirt to an evening gown with panache. He loves prints and embellishments, like dyes and texture treatments.

First impression: Looks too much like Irina. I know it will take me weeks to tell them apart. Shit.
Annoyance level: High. Uses air-quotes, wears tiny Peter Pan hats, brags about excelling “at this stage” in her career (she’s 24). If only she had a tugboat captain father and a bunch of tulle, she could give Kenley a run for her money.
Style: Cute multi-use pieces with crafty details, but at casting the judges commented that she wasn’t pushing herself enough (I volunteer to push her … off of something high).

FINAL ANALYSIS: With its cast of mostly adorable characters, along with the requisite d-bags thrown in for flavor, this season seems as promising as can be. All of the designers are incredibly skilled, and I for one am looking forward to the change of scenery that the LA setting will bring. I am going to recap this shit out of this show. Just watch.

According to Style.com, only two designers have shown couture collections for Fall 2009. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Christian Dior (helmed by saucy leather pirate John Galliano) appeared to have forgotten something in its styling…

I can’t put my finger on precisely what’s missing…

But, clearly, the hat pulls it all together. Check out the hot mess below—practically naked!

Let’s see if she can catch a cab in that.

Sadly, the lingerie theme seems to be catching. The other designer, Alexis Mabille, was inspired by his vision of “a girl waking from a languorous night of dreams tangled in her bedclothes.” If the below photo is any indication, this bitch actually broke into my “dress-up chest” circa 1988 (and the joke is on her because our cat Brassy totally peed on all of that stuff).

Still, I would sooner wear a pee-soaked rag than the monstrosity, the scourge on humanity, that is the following:

Fitted. Formal. Satin. Is it a romper or a jumpsuit? Is it a rompsuit? You know what. it doesn’t matter. BECAUSE THIS IS NOT RIGHT. IT ALSO—oops, sorry, got carried away with the all caps—it also appears to have pieces of butt flair. I would demand a rear view but I’d rather not bleed from the eyes.

When viewing this next ensemble, keep in mind that this is for fall.

Now, I’m an East Coast girl. So I don’t really know what goes on out West. But I would bet my buttons that satin booty shorts and a dust ruffle do not constitute proper apple-picking attire anywhere.

Of course, the good news is that fall fashion recognizes the recession. The designers are saying it’s OK. If you can’t afford pants, just don’t wear them! And if you’re forced to revisit your mother’s peed-on silk nighties, at least you’ll be a la mode! Best of all, Mabille has helpfully included a DIY option….

Just gank a tablecloth and some duct tape and you’re good to go. Work!

Somehow somebody gave me permission to blog on the Huffington Post. Check out my first effort, and comment/like/digg/become a fan so that they’ll let me do more!

Every month, I receive several trees worth of magazines. The vast majority of these fall under the “women’s magazine” category. I stopped reading the fitness magazines long ago, once I realized that A) I was never going to do butt lifts using my coffee table for resistance and B) that each and every article is exactly the same every month, give or take a scary gyno feature or two. But the fashion mags I just can’t quit. Mostly it is because I covet expensive clothes, jewelry and makeup and looking at the glossy pictures gives me a contact high. But in each and every magazine, without fail, I find a trend by which I simply cannot abide. The skinny jean, the peep-toe bootie … these are scourges on humanity that must be stopped. And then, of course, there is the romper.Here is a page I came across last night:

First of all, do not look so pleased with yourself, missy. Your legs look about 12 inches long. Secondly, there is no such thing as a “citified” romper. Citified is not a word, and if one was to classify the rompers on this page, well, it would look something like this:

You can enlarge the scan, but here’s a helpful glossary:

“The Madras Romper” (top left): I really have no words for this. Whoever invented madras deserves a terrible sunburn.

“The Crowded Sandbox” (top right): Buttons, trim, a tie belt … this is from Anthropologie, which is totally unsurprising, given that the company’s mission seems to be forcing grown women to buy overstock from Jolly Rompers. (If you click on that link you will hear a high-pitched child’s giggle, which seems to say, ‘Silly bitch, rompers are for babies”).

“The Thuttocks” (middle left): The shorts on these look oh so short. Much like the “cankle” is the calf plus the ankle, the Thuttocks are that problematic area where upper thigh meets buttock, and if the Thuttocks are exposed to daylight—with the exception of the beach, of course—it is my belief (and hope) that a higher being puts you our of your misery and pulls some biblical shit like turning you to dust. I think a picture may speak louder here than my acid-tinged prose possibly can:

DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

“Saggy Thighs” (middle right): OK, this is kind of an uninspired moniker, I admit, but for real, if it looks bunched and baggy already it will do you no favors. I think that this special garment could have the potential to create a camel toe while still sagging at the ass, which, in spite of myself, I would kind of like to see.

“Little Lord Fauntleroy’s Undergarments” (bottom left): There is nothing OK about a white romper with a bow tie at the waist. Putting aside for the moment that there is no underwear you could wear under this that wouldn’t show (right, because THIS IS UNDERWEAR), where exactly would one wear this? The only correct answer is “To visit the chamber pot.”

“The Baggy Crotch Deco” (bottom left): The bodice of this I kind of get, but to me it looks like a comfy tunic that was cruelly neutered. Let the tunics LIVE, people. They just want to cover our asses, literally, instead of accentuate our upper thigh flab in the form of loose jersey shorts.

Ok, that’s over. Urge to kill fading.I have to say, though, at least rompers are a bona fide trend. I uncovered this next page and actually gasped aloud.

I’m sorry, but when did zippered leggings become a normal item of clothing to have just lying around? (I am also looking at you sideways, tennis skirt, but you’ve escaped my wrath…for now). In the interest of full disclosure, I once owned a pair of acid washed jeans with ankle snaps, but this? I have no idea why leggings would even require zippers, except to create an easy opening for a Stadium Gal or, worse, to allow the leggings to fall more easily over one’s peep-toe booties. I believe that as a public service, this page should have read like so:

Hi guys, Yes, I’ve been absent for a long, long time. I was suffering from Obsessive Election Disorder. I couldn’t do any fashion posts, only angry tirades about the CNN ticker and its right-wing agenda. Now that Obama has won (!) however, I’m simply suffering from Post Electoral Depression, and can turn my attentions once again to craptastic fashion and reality television. Which brings me to the gift from the heavens that is dismembered Barbie Jewelry.

When I was a girl, I was intrigued by Barbie’s many anatomical wonders: the soft head that, when pulled off, revealed a little plastic ball (and that, when forced back on, always made Barbie look a little misshapen and Downs Syndrome-y); the rubbery legs that could be made to bend the wrong way; the feet that could only balance on tiptoe. I often gave my Barbies tattoos, cut their hair, and made them act out soap-opera worthy storylines full of lesbian dalliances, murder, and, of course, many changes of clothing. When I was thirteen I bought a JEM doll, who was promptly given a mohawk and who lorded over the Barbies with an iron fist. But I digress. Had I had the foresight to turn my ruined barbies into art, I might have found my calling:

It goes without saying that these make both great Christmas/Hannukah gifts and great creepy revenge/stalker presents.

I was alerted to this by my NY fashion correspondent.

A. It is called the ‘Dread Jacket,’ which makes sense no matter which definition of dread you are using. And it was made by the label Elizabeth & James, a.k.a. the Olsen twins. Of course.

B. This jacket costs $695. Yes, I know. I know. But seriously, there are a lot of hidden costs that go into this. For instance, I bet dreading a sheep takes a lot of effort. Then you’ve got to pay someone to formulate just the right color of baby-shit brown and to come up with the name “Fume” (no, really). And then there is the mountain of cocaine that the Olsen twins consumed while “sketching.” In fact, for all we know, a stray hairball drifted onto the design table and begat this. Also, this immediately makes me think of Rolf from the Muppets. I pray he was not harmed in the making of this … thing.

In conclusion, and to hijack and edit a quote from Clueless, it is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to actually wear Bob Marley.