What’s that glittery neon blue thing coming over the hill? IT’S A EUROVISION!!!!If you need be reminded of last year’s competition, Norway won and therefore hosted this year, ensuring that the ceremony was full of gnomes and vikings. Okay, there weren’t any gnomes (how I wish there were!), but they did bring out what I assume is the premiere hip-hop group in Norway/only two black dudes in Norway to sing while ‘flash mobs’ all over Europe got down (including some poor guy they dropped on a rock in the North Sea and commanded to dance). If you really want to see seven minutes of Europeans looking like dorks, knock yerself out.


The unofficial theme seemed to be ‘boring folk-style ballads’ and countries usually known for their eccentricities went for these safe songs. Naturally, the UK decided to overlook the vast amounts of talent in their nation and go for the humiliating last spot again. COME ON UK. You could even send in N Dubz and do better than that (please don’t judge me for knowing who N Dubz are). In the end, Germany won with a female singer doing her impersonation of every female singer from the UK in the past ten years. Queen Elizabeth must be kicking a corgi yelling “WHY?! I should have bloody gotten La Roux to represent us!”


Click on the ridiculous Euro-stars for their performances!


I had no idea Kenneth from ‘30 Rock’ was so passionate about the Balkans! Looks like Serbia finally made good use of that BeDazzler cousin Bratislav bought all those years ago! I thought this was a song about how great it is living in Belgrade or something, but turns out it’s about the same thing as every other pop song. Personal favorite badly translated lyric:  ”Your breasts is deadly weapon, kiss me like a chump.”


I don’t know how this video isn’t already a viral phenomenon, it has so much over-the-top cheese and wonderment that just watching it sends you back to the ’80s (we don’t need you anymore, DeLoreans). There’s the rotating guy with a mullet-mohawk playing the craziest violin I’ve ever seen, eyeshadow masks, Zack Attack hair, a sax solo, Ray-Bans worn indoors, a voice you’d never expect coming out of an effeminate man and DEAR GOD THE DANCE THE SAX PLAYER DOES. He almost literally makes love to his instrument. I can watch this video at least twice a day until the next Eurovision and never tire of it.


There isn’t that much hilariousness going on with this song, I just think it’s surprisingly well done for Eurovision. The Power Ranger/fembot thing in the background is a bit odd, but I can see 15-year-old me seriously liking this band. Even though I probably didn’t know where Turkey was back then (to my credit, I would be aware of it’s general proximity, but it’s easy to confuse Turkey with Bulgaria on a map). Fun fact: They all have awesome names like Özgür Can Öney and Yağmur Sarıgül, plus their drummer is a former astronomer.


France is one of the few countries that consistently has fantastic original artists representing them at Eurovision, yet they haven’t won in forever. Of all the songs this year, I predict this one in all it’s close-up booty (or should I say, derrière) shaking glory to make it across to the US as a summer dance hit. I’m not usually big on this type of music, but damn is it a fun track. Plus this singer (Jessy Matador) being absolutely adorable doesn’t hurt.


BELIEVE IT OR NOT! Yes, it’s Spain’s Greatest Hero! Singing a circus/toy/terrifying clown song with a bunch of backup dancers stolen from a Children’s Theatre performance of ‘The Velveteen Rabbit.’ For the best face of the competition, pause the video at 1:02. Reminds me of Big Al from ‘South Park.’ Already weird enough, this performance gets crashed by an apparently famous (well, famous enough for his own Wikipedia page) Spanish prankster. It’s Eurovision’s equivalent of that crazy lady who interrupted the guy accepting his Oscar for Best Documentary.


Slightly unrelated, but the man on the far right of this photo looks like a zombie. Sort of like a Lithuanian version of Rockapella, this group ditched the flash and were totally captivating without the accordions, breast implants, or flame cannons many of their competitors relied on.  Ska plus quirky matching outfits and synchronized dancing is always a gold star in my book. If everyone in Eastern Europe is like the people they send to represent them in Eurovision, I’m visiting there ASAP.

In order to attend a concert and conduct an interview with a band I am slightly too embarrassed to mention the name of, my flatmate Katie and I recently set out on a trip to downtown Lancaster. Yes, there is a downtown Lancaster, it isn’t all farms and shoo-fly pies. Along the way we passed Pennsylvania’s many wonderfully named towns my friends from other countries don’t believe exist, such as Paradise, Gap, Bird in Hand, and my personal favourite, Ronks, which sounds like something The Major from ‘Soap’ would start yelling for no apparent reason. Other landmarks included a gas station sign promising a free pizza with every oil change (no thanks), a store called ‘Frizz and Freeze’ (which is an ice cream parlor, not a hair salon), a mini-golf course with a giant seemingly functional pirate ship in it’s lake (the only photo I took all day), and the house of James Buchanan, the only president from Pennsylvania (he was also the only bachelor president and the one everyone forgets on their fifth grade history tests because he didn’t exactly do anything).

But the greatest discovery was that of a Sonic. I know they are common sights to most, but oddly none can be found within a sixty mile radius of my house. Of course, they’re now building two in the Philly area, so I have a feeling I will get very fat if I ever learn how to drive in the near future. I’ve long been obsessed with the notion of drive-in restaurants, due to ‘American Graffiti’ and the fact that my Dad is slightly OCD, so the concept of being encouraged, nay, REQUIRED to eat in your car is outright rebellious to me. Plus there’s the commercials, in constant rotation on daytime TV, almost as bad as the Jack in the Box ads that taunt me knowing their closest location is in North Carolina. Screw you, NC, I happen to know for a fact that the Roanoke Colony citizens didn’t disappear, they moved up to Pennsylvania where we have Wawa. Take that historical diss and put it in your pipe, Sir Walter Raleigh.

Katie and I vowed to return to Sonic so that we may savor a post awkward concert shake and batch of onion rings. It was at this point we had planned to wander Lancaster City for hidden gems and adventure, except it was a Sunday so everything was closed. Boo-urns. The day was instead spent sitting in a van parked by Aunt Annies Pretzels Headquarters with a bunch of band bros straightening their hair and arguing who was hotter: Topanga from ‘Boy Meets World’ or Hillary from ‘Fresh Prince of Bel Air.’ If you’re wondering, they came to an agreement on Topanga. Look out, Barbara Walters, I got the hard-hitting scoop! Due to a name mix-up, we weren’t on the list for the show and giddily zoomed back towards Sonic.

The only customers there, we were blessed with the undivided  attention of our rollerskating waiter, Dayton. As in Ohio. The very first thing Dayton (who had a Southern accent despite living in mid-Pennsylvania all his life) told me was that I looked exactly like his ex-girlfriend. “But that’s a compliment, we’re still friends and she’s a sweetheart, not like a bitchy slut ex, so you don’t have to worry, hon.” After bringing us our food (delicious and diabetes-inducing), he checked up on us every few minutes, obviously bored, asking questions like “What’s yer favorite CSI series?” instead of the more traditional, “How is your meal?” By far the best (and only) person named after a city I have ever met, we bequeathed Skatin’ Dayton a 50% tip. To this, he replied that it was going right into his parole fund, and laughed. Katie and I are still on the fence if that was an actual joke or not.

Getting back home is just a straight shot down the highway, but being us, Katie and I somehow managed to end up in Delaware. In doing so, we found a fantastic location for our next (hopefully more interesting and less historical reference filled) adventure, which we will try to head out on soon. Before that though, it’s almost Eurovision time… I can smell the fire cannons, gold jumpsuits and techno-beats already.

As Dena mentioned, I have yet again been MIA in the interwebs, save for the occasional tweet. My arch nemesis, Writer’s Block (Lawrence Block’s evil cousin) has foiled me yet again, mostly due to the only nerd news in the past several months consisting of obsessive iPad updates. The name is humorous and it’s just a giant iPod Touch, WE GET IT. Yes, there have been the occasional local news/robots/bad ’60s beach party movies on TV/Lady Gaga/weird foreign music moments that usually inspire me, but alas I only got a few sentences out of them and thus none ever came to fruition.  The notebook I write my ideas in looks like a day’s worth of mumbling from the mouth of the town crazy who thinks Oprah is out to get him:

• Olympics withdrawl/ Will Philadelphia disown me if I openly declare my love for Sidney Crosby?
•  3D movies are stupid. 3D TV is worse, even if George Takei is promoting it. You’ve failed me, George.
• Christopher Lee released a metal album. My life is a little bit closer to completion knowing this.
• My Dad saw a poster for the second ‘Sex and the City’ movie and thought it was for a sequel to ‘Carrie.’ I would rather be at that prom in ‘Carrie’ than see anything to do with ‘Sex and the City.’
• Things I’ve learnt working in a library
• GNOMES!
• Watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ with Nana and write about it? (I’m not masochistic enough to do this to myself)
•  Am I the only person in the world who didn’t think ‘The Hangover’ was as funny as everyone claims?
• Watch the worst rated movies on IMDB/Razzie award winners and MST3K them (Would do this, but I have a crush on the video store guy and like hell I’m letting him see me rent ‘From Justin to Kelly,’ even if it is in the name of blogging.)
• I hate the new MGMT song so so much

Since I’ve had so much trouble looking for nerd news, I’m just going to have to go right to the source. I will wander pursuing the best comic book stores, cult movie filming locations (Monroeville Mall, watch out!), and anything else I happen to come across. This idea branched out from one told to me by a friend in Australia, where he would board an arbitrary bus and stay on it until he ended up at a beach. I shall spend my weekends a la Jack Kerouac’s search for the greatest pancakes in the land, except with more ‘Boy Meets World’ references. First up: Adventure to Sonic (the restaurant, not the blue hedgehog).  You’ve been warned.

The end is nigh! The end of the year and decade that is, which means the media plagues us not only with ‘Best of 2009!’ recaps, but ‘Best of the ’00s!’ as well. Oh joy. For this reason, I refuse to make any sort of list deeming what I like as the necessities from a certain measure of time and be all “omigosh, you don’t know this band that I love and think everyone else should listen too, except I really don’t because if they get too big I won’t listen to them anymore?”

I am honestly not up with the times considering my age. I’m 21, don’t know anything about Twilight (other than I should be proud of this fact and the pasty guy from Harry Potter is in it), don’t own an iPod, only realized several months ago that Miley Cyrus IS Hannah Montana, and it takes me ten minutes to send a text message. In an effort to be hip, I looked at one of the dreaded lists to see the Top 10 most popular songs this year as chosen by AOL users (people still use AOL?) and decided to give them a listen. But then I got bored/thought most of the songs were crap so I searched Youtube for alternate versions of them instead. Now I share with you the efforts of my time wasting.(We can’t embed videos directly on the blog so I searched the song titles and used my favourite picture results for you to click on to view my findings)

10.  ’Watcha Say’ by Jason Derulo

[This is just a still from the actual video, but it’s super sassy (UN UH, GIRL), so I like it.]
Of course I was not familiar with this song, but I most certainly did know the Imogen Heap song it samples (*cough* steals with permission so they don’t have to come up with their own interesting chorus *cough*). Unfortunately, thanks to The OC (and subsequent mockery on SNL), I associate this song with shooting people. The version I found is by an all guys a cappella group whose falsetto section can sing higher than me, and I was a Soprano 1 in chorus (jealous?). I also enjoy the soloist’s stance and hand gestures, they say, “Yes, I may wish I was on ‘Glee,’ but I can still look like I have street cred. But only if it’s on Main Street, the side streets are a tad dodgy.”

9. ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City

(This is a picture from the anime ‘Grave of the Fireflies,’ which my flatmate made me watch once. It’s terribly depressing and doesn’t have little talking animals or girl superheroes who save the world with the power of friendship like most anime.)
The first time I heard this song, I thought, “This is cute, who is it? The Postal Service?” Naturally, this track was then suddenly EVERYWHERE and became one of those tunes people violently hate or people freak out, turning the radio up to deafening levels like it’s not on every six freaking songs. I don’t dislike the song, though it’s boring and a tad generic, but I am sick of hearing it. One of it’s flaws is that DJs are bound to play it at school dances, yet you can’t quite dance to it. Too slow to dance normal, too electro-y to slow dance to. Yet I found a video of one guy trying to dance to it, but he ends up just looking like a crazy person spazzing out with a pillow. I imagine Linus from Peanuts and his blanket have moments like this.

8. ‘Right Round’ by Flo Rida
(Note: I only just made the connection now that Flo Rida is Florida with a space in it. I immediately looked it up and yes, he’s from Florida. Mind officially blown.)Oh hey, another rap song utilizing a former hit and making gobs of money off it. The only upside to this particular one is I imagine that Flo Rida had to meet with Pete Burns from Dead or Alive to get the rights. If you were not aware, Pete Burns is now a very terrifying looking woman. The thought of those two having tea and chatting music makes me smile. Almost as much as the speed up, chipmunkified version of this song. Almost.

7. ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’ by Kelly Clarkson

(All that came up when I searched the song title was the horribly Photoshopped album cover for this single, so I asked myself what my life would suck without and this is the extremely pathetic answer.)
I have no opinion on this song, honestly. Only the fun fact that my friend’s car brake squeaks to the exact same tune as the chorus. For my video choice, I decided to delve into the many AMVs made using this song. An AMV is an animated music video, aka people with too much time piecing together their favourite cartoons in a way that slightly fits the song. Sadly, I know the cartoon in this particular one, it’s a weird Canadian programme about some sort of ‘reality show’ about high school stereotypes that my flatmates and I in Australia only watched because it was the only thing on (only four channels in Oz) when we usually ate lunch. As I recall, the two characters in this AMV never had any sort of relationship other than the shrimpy kid having an unrequited crush on the goth chick, so I don’t know why they chose to use this instead of the more obvious ‘You Belong to Me’ or some emo song.

6. ‘Use Somebody’ by Kings of Leon

(This is Matthew Followill, the lead guitar player from Kings of Leon. I love him more than a lifetime supply of Pop Tarts, and oh lawd, I could use him alright…)
I’ve had a long time infatuation with Kings of Leon and could go on for ages about how awesome they are and unlike some of their fans who have been there from the start, am glad they’ve FINALLY found success in the US. As one of the two songs on this list I actually enjoy, I’m not going to link to some Youtube jackass I found warbling in an attempt to sound like Caleb and instead I present the only suiting cover by the equally wonderful Bat for Lashes.

5. ‘I Gotta Feeling’ by The Black Eyed Peas

(This pretty much sums up what the song is about. The part where Fergie shouts “CRUUUUNK!” is officially the worst second in music history.)
I despise this song. I really, really do not like it at all and wish the Black Eyed Peas would disappear for another four years like they did last time. They have millions of dollars and can afford to just leave me alone. The official video makes the track even worse, if that’s possible. The version I found is genius (done in one continuous shot!) and if the Black Eyed Peas did anything like this for their videos I would respect them so much more.

4. ‘Pokerface’ by Lady Gaga

Remember how I said I liked two of the ten songs on this list? This is the other one. Yes, it shocks me too. Lady Gaga is undeniably catchy and weird, much like Amy Winehouse and Dolly Parton, my other two obsessions I have no idea why I’m so infatuated with. I was tempted to use the video of Christopher Walkin reading the lyrics (google it if you’re one of the twelve people who hasn’t seen it), but instead opted for the geeky parody. Nerd boys,this one’s for you.

3. ‘Replay’ by Iyaz

(These boots are just as poorly made as this song!)
The only way to make bad pop or rap songs sound good is to have a cute ukulele player cover it. The geeky boys had their song already, this one’s for my nerdettes out there. When he says, “Well, hello friends!” in the beginning, I literally swoon.

2. ‘Down’ by Jay Sean

Jay Sean, Sean John, and Sean Kingston should do a song together, the ‘Sean Song’ (Sean Sha Sean Sean Shawwwwn)! During the Thanksgiving Day parade, Jay Sean “sang” from one of the floats, I didn’t know who he was, yet my Mom did. She has also seen Li’l Bow Wow in concert. I wish I was joking. Unlike the other covers I’ve shared with you today, I found one that somehow makes this song even worse, but significantly more hilarious. HARDXCORE BRO. Game suggestion: Play this video at a party and see which of your friends can stand listening to it for the longest.

1. ‘You Belong with Me’ by Taylor Swift

(Yo Taylor, imma let you finish, but there were way better songs this year than yours to be at Number One, just sayin’…)
The video is quite sweet, though again not so original (a recurring theme in 2009 music) and Taylor seems like a very nice person, but I’m baffled as to how this is the supposed cream of the crop. I’ve accepted that it’s mostly teenage girls buying music and therefore composing these lists, so there’s unfortunately nothing we can do about it. They are an unstoppable force. 2009 was also the year TV turned digital, remember that? It was a huge breakthrough in technology! No? Oh, you probably got rid of that space in your brain with the names of all of Tiger Wood’s mistresses. Ah, 2009. Well, here’s an overly enthusiastic middle-aged man singing a song by a 19-year-old girl with his own lyrics about the digital conversion.

Have a happy 2010, everyone! Let’s hope it’s not like what Arthur C. Clarke envisioned.

I break my silence of a few months, which was mostly due to the utter lack of any interesting news stories to inspire my rants. Yes, there were countless “celebrity” deaths and the whole Balloon Boy thing (which I didn’t even know about until way after it happened because I watched a ‘Roseanne’ marathon instead of the news that day) but those were so overdone that anything I’d have to say on those topics would be lost in a sea of snark and pathetic fan tears. I was slightly tempted to write about Amy Winehouse getting breast implants, but the only comment I could come up with is that she’s well on her way to achieving what I can only assume is her goal of looking like Ramona Rickettes from Cry-Baby. On Halloween, I was close to posting my take on the Saw franchise making its way up to the number of Police Academy films and how I pray it doesn’t surpass Land Before Time sequels.

But today, the obvious hit me. Literally, someone threw a baseball with a Yankees logo on it at me because they know I’m Philly born and raised (though on the playground I did not spend most of my days). The tension of the World Series is all around and I quite frankly just want it to end, whether the Phillies win or lose. Technically, I’m a Phillies fan in that I’ll cheer for them at a game, but right now I seem to be one of a few sane people in the tri-state area. Philly and New York are supposed to be bros! Of all the major cities, we’re the most similar, what with our high populations of hipsters, citizens with a larger tolerance of tourists and crazies than the average person, obese people who don’t question buying pretzels from a homeless guy at a crosswalk, and outrageous accents in common (which makes Chicago our midwest cousin). Unfortunately, we also share an obnoxious obsession with sports that would be considered psychotic anywhere else.

I can’t log on to Facebook without seeing hundreds of status’ eloquently stating “Yo, NY, YANK DEEZ!” accompanied by photos of rude gestures. Yet, these are the same people I seem to recall constantly going on about their weekend trips to NYC and how they wish they could live there. In the same vein, most Yankees fans I know are from New Jersey and in the sports off-season, love NYC and Philly as places equally. So what makes sports suddenly turn our asshole-iness up to 11 and cause fights to break out? I’m sure we’ll cure cancer before that answer is discovered. But on last night’s Daily show, they sure did a great job of capturing it in a hilarious, bipartisan manner.

I’m not sure if the game is on now or not, but I honestly wish the Yankees good luck no matter the outcome. Either way, there’ll be riots in the streets of Philly. Stay classy, everyone.

I apologize to everyone I’ve not yet had a chance to visit in my few weeks back in the States.  Truth is, I’ve been spending far too much time with my new friend, Hulu, who is unfairly not available in Australia.  Hulu’s been showing me not only what I’ve missed in my year abroad, but introducing all sorts of new oddities.  As an experiment that can only be derived from summer boredom, I subjected myself to the pilot episodes of three programs I’d never heard of. Sure they’re bound to be awful, but at least they’re free and so is my time.
 
‘The Crow: Stairway to Heaven’
Goths everywhere are probably still crying mascara-blackened tears about how this ruined their favourite non Tim Burton movie.  It’s similar enough to the first half hour of the film, except the acting is the only creepy thing about it, Eric Draven lands in Mexico for some reason instead of crawling out of his grave dramatically, and everything is PG-ified.  The menacing Tin Tin now looks like David Cross in a bad Jew-fro wig and Funboy appears to be a Midwest gym teacher.  A lot of the mystique is taken out of it when the undead rock star we all know as The Crow screaming in pain at his beloved Shelly’s unfair death is interrupted by a thirty second yogurt commercial.  I’ll admit that I skipped forward several minutes after Eric’s signature makeup grew on his face (WTF?!) because I couldn’t stand the dialogue straight from an unrequited, angst-filled Aiden fan’s poetry Livejournal.  Naturally, the end was not a bad-ass action sequence where justice is served with loads of martial arts and shattered glass.  The baddy is left spazzing on the floor not full of bullets, but ‘all the painful memories you caused those you hurt and their loved ones,’ mumbling “Do you want fries with that?”  LAME!  Although, this marks yet another unintentionally hilarious and food related demise for the record books.
 
‘Camp Woodward’
At first I thought this would be some Disney Channel tween ‘Twilight Guy and Miley Cyrus Visit Prague on Summer Vay-Kay and Totally Fall in Love!’ type crap, but was gladly wrong.  Instead, ‘Camp Woodward’ is a reality show about those mini Lords of Dogtown who always breeze by whenever I go snowboarding and make me feel super old.  I knew I loved this show as soon as one camper, Tyler, shared the sage wisdom that “You can’t be Johnny Depp one day and Spongebob the next!  Just be yourself!”  I want to adopt all these little skate punks, or as they say in boarder lingo, ‘cheesy tots.’  If I can’t do that, then I’ll be fine if their parents (all of whom are awesome) adopt me then.  I love you Mom and Dad, but they have huge professional quality ramps in their yards and give their kids rad nicknames like Taco.  Dibs on being called Pony Girl.  My inner 14-year-old especially digs Cody, the rebellious skater with fabulous hair who says things like “Dude, I forgot a helmet, but I brought ‘101 Dalmatian’ elbow pads.”  Future heart-breaker alert!  I know I said I’d watch just the first episode, but I was hooked and ended up seeing the rest of this unfortunately short series.  Does anyone know if Camp Woodward accepts 21-year-olds who love to watch extreme sports but fall down pitifully every three minutes when actually attempting them?
‘Simon & Simon’
Yet another show proving all men in the early ’80s had porn ‘staches and few women of the time bothered to wear bras, it’s things like this which make me feel fortunate I hardly remember that particular decade.  My parents (my real ones, not my Camp Woodward ones) assure me this was a very popular show, but the only actor in it I recognize is the pilot from ‘Airplane!’  The basic premise is the Simon brothers, a quintessential Felix & Oscar pairing, are private detectives in San Diego who for some unexplained reason are located directly across the street from another detective agency run by their sexy law student secretary’s Daddy.  Hey, if the dozens of salons that seem to make up my well-coifed town all manage to stay in business, I guess they can.  The Simons bumble about ‘solving’ a missing person case that naturally calls for them to take several trips down to Mexico.  Young Simon whines about his car every other line, while Older Simon (who has a Southern accent when he’s supposedly from California and the rest of his family talks normally) makes bad puns and says, “Galdarnit!” a lot.  Eventually, their secretary solves everything and the Simons take the credit, arresting henchmen in a college library after much careless pushing over of bookshelves.  This particular scene struck a chord with me because my heart went out to the poor librarian tasked with picking up and reorganizing that mess.  Detective shows never think about those kinds of victims.  Maybe it’s because this was only the first episode, but I have no idea how ‘Simon and Simon’ stayed on air for so many seasons.  Did anyone actually like this show?  I mean, Scooby Doo solved mysteries more effectively than these two.

Okay people, bear with me here, because my thought process is very ‘If You Give a Mouse a Cookie’ (or if you prefer, ‘If You Give a Moose a Muffin’).

I discovered this article about a BBQ gone wrong, where the grillmaster was struck by lightening and continually muttered ’sausages!’ Of course I feel sorry for the man, but his choice of words cracked me up. This incident reminded me of a terrible movie I saw on TV several years ago, in one scene a man is stung to death by a swarm of killer bees and his last words (more like last screams) are the hilariously cryptic “Everything… tastes like… BANANAS!” I can’t recall the name, but knowing crappy made for TV movies, it’s probably called ‘Bees!’ I believe it was part of that trend of turning hot button news topics like bird flu (Remember that? We were so dumb then, now everyone knows pigs are the real menace!) and Y2K into sensationalist ‘LETS FREAK OUT THE GENERAL PUBLIC! OH GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!’ films.

This lead me to reminisce on the unfortunate endings of moribund characters I’ve seen over the years in equally ill-fated movies. Such as the classic fight in ‘Mortal Kombat: The Movie’ when Keno begs Sonya to give him a break so she agrees and in turn breaks his neck. The poor guys death was a pun, talk about the eternal joke! Another favourite is the insane king from ‘Gormenghast’ (aka the trippiest Masterpiece Theatre ever) who simply says “HOOT!”and throws himself out the castle window, convinced he is an owl. Lastly, I don’t think he says anything, but you have to love the sombrero wearing biker in the original ‘Dawn of the Dead’ who decides it’s a good time to test his blood pressure in one of those machines in the mall and is consequently ripped to pieces by zombies.

What is the point of all this, you ask? Well, I naturally looked on Youtube for said scenes, but instead found a compilation of hilarious movie deaths even a connoisseur of terrible films such as myself was unaware of.

(Click on Harold for the link, don’t worry they’re all pretty PG as movie deaths go. If you have a morbid sense of humour too, please share your favourite dumb death scenes in the comments!)

What do ABBA, Celine Dion, and Lordi have in common (other than having some of the most terrifying fans in the history of music)?  They’ve all won Eurovision!  What, you say you have no idea what that is?

Eurovision, along with Tim Tams and ‘The IT Crowd,’ is one of the best things most Americans don’t know they’re missing.  That’s right, I take your American Idol/ America’s Got Talent and raise you a bunch of Eastern European drag queens in silver foil outfits encouraging the audience to “Let’s make Dance!” The basic premise is each competing country chooses an artist to represent them with an original composition.  Strangely, the person doesn’t have to be a native of the country, as long as they’ve lived there (hence Canadian Celine Dion winning for Switzerland).

I’m convinced the UK doesn’t care about winning anymore, since they’ve sent the crappest of crap to Eurovision since 1999.  Not even funny bad like most countries, just outright BAD. There are dozens of London bands I can think of off the top of my head who could win with a tune they hastily wrote on the flight over.  But no, why send Muse or The Klaxons for a great victory when we can get fricking Scooch and come in last place for the fifth year in a row?

This years competition was unfortunately not as outright silly as the last few Eurovisions, but still provided enough fuel for a great couch snarkfest with my friends.  Here are some of my favourite moments (click the photos for the video):

Oh, Czech Republic!  I absolutely loved this one, so of course it didn’t even make it to the finals.  It’s like the poor man’s version of Gogol Bordello, only less punk and more rapping superhero.  I’ve been looking everywhere for an MP3 of this, if anyone has it, please send it my way because I want this to play as my theme whenever I enter a room from now on.

I quite like this song, and shockingly it not only won, but received the highest score in Eurovision history.  The singer cracks me up, his face is the physical embodiment of the emoticon.  He’s a fiddle playing hobbit who just can’t stop grinning excitedly and singing about his “laaav like a faaairytaahhhhhhhl, eeee-phen doh et hurzzzzzzz!”  I would like the world a bit better if this became a Number 1 Hit in every country instead of Lady Gaga/Jonas Brothers/Miley Cyrus/Artists That Sound Like an Autotuned Walrus.

When this song first started, I thought, “Oh God, not disco accordion!” But then the man with a giant bleached fro and a mustard jacket ran out and starting singing in his uncharacteristically low voice and I couldn’t help but like it.  They even have backup dancers wearing elf shoes and a giant cartoon accordion on the screen behind them!  Performances like this are the reason I watch Eurovision.

I wanted this one to make it to the finals because I enjoy that Macedonia thinks 1985 stadium rock is relevant for a 2009 song contest.  They even went all out with the Aquanet, velvet military style jackets, fire cannons, lasers, and fog machine!  RAWK, JAH!

Seeing as I hang out with a bunch of rockabillies (seriously), my friends absolutely loved this one.  This Elvis impersonator decided to write a song about how some American also named Elvis is actually the one copying him.  A bit late for that, don’t you think?  I had no idea that Belgium was such a fan of The King.  Thanks Belgium, I’m a fan of your waffles.

Tied with Discovery, the Game Show Network is my favourite TV channel (currently living in a country with only five stations, I obviously miss them dearly).  There’s nothing like watching useless trivia be utilized to win a lifetime supply of peanut brittle.  So when I heard the news IBM is putting a computer on Jeopardy, I became very angry.

Not to be prejudice towards robot-kind, but dammit, game shows are for humans!  What would a super computer do if it won thousands of dollars or a Winnebago?  Take a road trip to Bill Gates’ house with KITT and that car Jackie Chan drives in ‘Cannonball Run’?  NO. It would probably mock the brain power of us pathetic mammals then fire lasers into the audience.  And you thought Sean Connery made Alex Trebeck’s life miserable.

The article states that the computer won’t be linked up to the Internet, but if we want to beat this thing, I’d say being online would actually disadvantage the bolty bastard.  Especially considering how useless search engines can be for research.  Yeah, I’m talking about you, Google.  The other day I was looking for pictures of Danny Tamberelli in ‘The Adventures of Pete and Pete’ and you showed me nude photos of Pete Wentz. That was not the Little Pete I meant, you jerk.  All the inaccuracies on Wikipedia alone are sure to bring Hal McSmugpants crashing down.

I hate to say it, but without the faults of the Internet as a secret weapon, only Ken Jennings can save us from our impending robot overlords.  If there’s a machine uprising in the distant future (the year 2000) it’s all your fault, IBM.

The only robot I trust.

The phrase ‘Vegas wedding’ always makes me think of that Fresh Prince of Bel Air episode where Will and his girlfriend almost have a Shaft themed nuptial.  I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of my wedding day, but that seemed like a super awesome plan to me.  Not so much the Vegas part, but having a lame impersonator preside over your ceremony.  Obviously I’ve matured and realized the tackiness of that idea would override the hilarity.  But then I stumbled upon this gem.

With that fog machine he could also pass for Criss Angel, be still my heart!  Check out the video of him singing, and if you’re lucky you might catch the live stream of someone’s wedding.  Who doesn’t want their special day witnessed by the old lady who hangs out in Vegas chapels when her lucky slot machine is broken and some bored guy eating a Hot Pocket while watching online?  I personally enjoy the fact that instead of saying “I do,” the couples get to yell “Hell Yeah!”

My other favourite is the ‘When Vampires Fly’ themed wedding, mostly because of this picture:

My parents are reading this and either cracking up or having heart attacks now.  Don’t worry, I’d never elope to Vegas and do something like this.  At my (seemingly very distant in the future) wedding, it will be a normal officiant and all that.  It’s the guy I’ll marry who will be the one dressed like Alice Cooper/Criss Angel. MINDFREAAAAK!