Contrary to the mound of cynic evidence on the internet, I don’t hate (or even try to hate) everything.  Quite the opposite, I’ve been known to pose for pictures making “a face like I love it**.” Love what?  I don’t know…it?  Anyway, in an effort to be a more positivity filled lady, I will now add to the popserious repertoire a “Like You Love It” feature. 

I was reminded of how much love it I have when a friend sent me a video of Brandon Flowers performing Betty Davis Eyes.  He must be gearing up for his solo album (yes, I preordered) and I am putting it out there now for the world to read.  This video, I LOVE IT. 

Yes *shaking my head enthusiastically* I love The Killers.  Love them like I love caprese salads, fall nighttime football games and lying on a freshly vacuumed carpet in a patch of sun like a cat.  I am unashamed.  Why do I love them so?  I don’t know… such is Mango.  To look at them, The Killers are embarrassingly the antithesis of ground-breaking.  They showed up on the radar about the same time as Franz Ferdinand with about the same sound, but those boys drew me in with their synthesized pop, skinny suits, the slow amazing build of “All These Things I’ve Done.”  Sure, okay, their sound has “evolved.”  Not really.  They have incorporated influences in a contrived way – the way they channeled the Boss for Sam’s Town or Bowie for Day and Age wasn’t a sophisticated undercurrent of evolution so much as it was an “Oh, so they’re doing Rosalita, now, haha, yeah.”  Then to make sure you got it, B Flo and the group hit you over the head by changing their looks to match album.  It was not how-jou-say avant-garde, I don’t care.  I make excuses for them like a kid caught under the bleachers huffing poppers.  “They’re in on joke, they get it…”  In truth, they probably don’t. 

Maybe it’s just for Brandon Flowers.

That sexy swaggering voice and sweet Mormon boy face which spawned my love of the ironic moustache…  Rufus Wainwright said “He is so sexy yet so unhappy and also somewhat sane and crazy at the same time. I haven’t met anyone who quite fits the Brando mould as much as he does immediately. There’s this dark, moody, restless, annoyed by compassionate figure that’s sucking up all the energy out of the room.”  That sounds like 85% of the people I’ve dated/lusted over so that makes sense…

All the reasons to not like this band aside, I still dance in my apartment to Hot Fuss, still sing “When You Were Young” loudly and in a Brit accent in my car (try it = totally fun), and still spend many an evening wondering if Brando tastes like potato chips in the morning.  Love it.

**Seriously, try it, tell someone right before you take a photo to “make a face like you love it” = best photos ever.  Nigel Barker has nothing on my friend Tim

A few nights ago I was having a chat with a new friend which quickly turned to Jennifer Aniston’s use of the “R” word.  It seems that it’s just another in a long string of what has been really piss poor judgement on the part of Hollywood’s ladies.  I don’t think they need rehab of any sort.  I don’t think they need jail time either.  It won’t help.  The only thing that will, the only thing that possibly can, is a taste of their own medicine.  Yes, lock them in a house together.  That’s why I bring to you my ideal cast for the Bad Girls’ Club: Celebrity Edition.

If you’ve not seen the Oxygen show Bad Girls’ Club, let me fill you in.  First of all, you’re not missing anything, so please don’t search hulu for this garbage.  Secondly it’s not the 1994 movie about hookers in the old west.  It is simply putting 7 of the most obnoxious self-centered women on the planet in the same house and giving them loads of booze.  Now that you’ve got the premise, here’s the dream team cast:

Tila Tequila – She recently had bottles, rocks and feces thrown at her while she tried to perform at an Insane Clown Posse show.  Yeah, that’s about right.  What did she think was going to happen to her at this show?  That it was going to be like an episode of a Shot at Love?  That the entire crowd would try to carry hot dogs across a oiled-up slip ‘n’ slide with only their butt cheeks in an attempt fill a baby pool with the sausages and then she’d make out with everyone at the show only until she decided that she liked boys more than girls and fly off with one lucky s.o.b. to Cabo to give him a raging case of syphilis?  No, Tila, it was never going to be like that.  Because people don’t understand why your famous, and you’re not really a singer, and that’s the bottom line.  This was probably a very well organized modern-day witch burning.  To that I say, Well Played Jugaboos.

JWoWW – I bet you thought I was going to say Snooki, didn’t you?  I do love some Snooki.  I love that she’s just been arrested for being annoying.  I love that she wears false eyelashes to bed.  I love her little brown weird shaped body.  She’s like the mole growing on the back of your arm that you need checked out by a dermatologist.  For this Bad Girls Club, though, you gotta go JWoWW.  She’s ready to throw down ALL THE TIME.  Remember season 1 of Jersey Shore when some chick called Snooki fat?  Then there was that dramatic beat 1…2…and then JWoWW went Kraken all over the girl?  Classy and fun.  She also makes the cast because she constantly threatens to beat up everyone in the Jersey Shore house.  Here’s the thing, she has to know that the Jersey Shore producers are not going to let her stay on the show if she beats up people in the house.  It has got to be in Angelina’s contract that if she comes back in the show they won’t let someone break her hook nose or tear out her $19.99 Paris Hilton hair extensions.  JWoWW goes into the club because in my perfect world, she’s allowed to unleash her fury any time, any place. Also, because her boobs defy gravity. 

Ke$ha – It’s no $ecret I’ve had a hard time with Ke$ha.  I think $he’s cornered the music market on cha$hing in on not being able to $ing, but having $ick producer$.  That $aid, I $pent most of my $aturday $inging “You’re Love i$ My Drug” to one of my gay boyfriend$.  What do you want from me?  It’$ catchy and I’m $arcastic not immune to booty $haking!  Ke$ha gets welcomed to the hou$e because I want to $ee fir$thand if she really bru$hes her teeth with a bottle of Jack, if $he huffs glue a$ a pre-gamer, and if $he pa$$e$ out in a puddle of her own pee after a night out at the dirty free for all.

Lindsay Lohan – Duh. 

Fantasia Barrino – My friend Nate LOVES Fantasia even more after her recent suicide attempt (with aspirin – kinda lame, right?  Comon’ this was just a call for attention, right?  Right?!).  Let’s give her the attention she wants.  She may not be the obvious choice for the club, but if you do the math, I think you’ll see a compelling argument to get her in the door.  She tried to commit suicide (+1), RECENTLY (+15), she was on Broadway (-5), in an Oprah produced show (+5), Adultery (+3), with a sex tape (+7), won American Idol when it was good (-3) = 23.  I probably should’ve laid out what the scandal number had to be before the equation, but I’m making this up as I go along, and 23 is a pretty big number…  She’s IN.

Kristen Stewart – Not so much because she IS a hot mess, but because she LOOKS like one most of the time.  She also looks like she could be a total b.   Sure, I’m judging a book by its cover.  But the cover of this book reads “Stay 50 feet Away Because I’ve Not Showered and I May Kick You in the Shins.”  Kristen Stewart would be that shady roommate in the house who you’re 85% certain steals your stuff.  Everyone had one.  The one that would maybe take a pair of your black pants to wear out on Saturday and then two weeks later you’re all, “I want to go to the Sigma Chi party tonight, has anyone seen my black pants I like to wear with this slutalicious tube top?  Kristen???” (yeah I went to college in 2001).  Only she’d never answer you because she’s also the roommate that sits in the corner chain smoking Basic 100’s while on the phone with her tortured on-again-off-again boyfriend.

Whitney Houston – She’s no newbie to reality TV and as the den mother of this express train to crazy town, Whit could offer some great life lessons.  1) She could teach Ke$ha to sing.  2) She could teach JWoWW to smoke crack.  3) She could teach Tila Tequila how to get a man to pull poop out of her butt. 4)  She could regale Fantasia Barrino with lessons on how to make a “comeback” when your voice is ruined.  5)  She could teach Kristen Stewart how to achieve the Greatest Love of All.  6) She could teach Lindsay Lohan…well, nothing, Lindsay’s probably seen it all before…but I cannot wait for her to yell “LINDSAY!” in the same voice she used to beckon “BOBBY!”

I’ll give anyone 20% of the profits if they can put me in touch with a  producer that can make this happen.  True story.  Now if you’ll excuse me, Dating in the Dark is coming on - quality.

Bear with me.  I rarely blog on a personal note, but I’m going through some stuff and this Zoloft I bought in the pharmacy at the Cancun Airport is not doing the trick.  You see, Monday marked the first day back from the longest vacation I’ve taken in 5 years.  A full 10 days away from house and home and work and worries.  I’ve just returned from a super-filth trip with two besties South-of-the-Border and after waking up 9 mornings in a row with true hangovers, only to dive back into the nearest glass of anything containing tequila what I have these mornings is much, much worse.  Add this term to your lexicon, friend-os, because I’m coining it now and you can once say you heard it from this booze-hound’s mouth first: Vacation Hangover.

You may say, “That can’t be a HANGOVER!  The term hangover is defined by Merriam-Webster as: ‘Unpleasant physical effects following the heavy consumption of alcohol!’ And you’re just mentally depressed to not be with your peeps on the beach!” and I would say “TRUE and FALSE!” and then I would then cite the Mayo Clinic’s symptoms of a hangover and lay out this compelling an side by side argument a la Vinny Gambini

• Fatigue – Dudes, I am super fatigued.  I have to wake up at 6 am.  6.  AM!  I was not aware there was a 6 anywhere on a clock.  Mostly because on vacation at 6 AM I was asleep and at 6 PM I was taking a siesta.  This fact – that there are times involving the number 6 in the day is a disturbing shock to my system.
• Thirst – For anything with sour mix.  I actually grew to LIKE the overly sweet nectar of our Mexican neighbors.  Now, I down-right crave it.  My first sip of water on Monday morning made my body say “whaaaaaa–?” and my liver punch me straight in the babymaker.
• Headaches and muscle aches – From staring at a computer screen and sitting in a desk chair.  I’m so used to being in a reclined position outside that this is killing my gluteus maximus.
• Nausea, vomiting or stomach pain –On the commute in and dreading my overly full email inbox which I know is mostly asinine emails which have already been resolved in my absence.
• Poor or decreased sleep – I can’t sleep at 1 PM anymore without someone waking me up.  Buzzkillers.
• Sensitivity to light and sound – Mostly just the sound of my phone ringing or anyone on a conference call.  Also, not being able to wear my sunglasses at all points in the day is a pretty big let-down.  It means that I actually have to put on makeup in the morning.  This is also bad.
• Dizziness or a sense of the room spinning – I’m so confused everything is spinning out of control around me.  People are asking me to weigh in on issues I know nothing about and I am just trying to make it up on the spot.  However, you know what’s NOT spinning?  The damn clock!  These are the longest days of my life.   
• Bloodshot eyes – Caused by the tears shed 4 times a day when I have to actually PAY for stuff.  All-inclusive resorts, I heart you so much.
• Shakiness – I have no idea what’s going on here this week or what I missed last week, this makes me nervous, when I’m nervous I shake like a poodle on a cold day.  Also from withdrawal.
• Decreased ability to concentrate – I can’t concentrate at all.  All I can do is look at vacation pictures and desperately hope that a Mexican bartender will offer me a body shot.  
• Mood disturbances, such as depression, anxiety and irritability – this is normal, so I can’t really count this one.

As you can clearly see, because both the alcohol induced hangover and the vacation induced hangover show physical as well as psychological symptoms and are both available in metallic mint green paint, the defense holds wah-tuh.  Ok, I give up, I just miss the beach.

p.s. I just googled “vacation hangover.”  Turns out I did not coin the term, but all the sites and blogs out there that use it are lame, so I’m going to continue claiming that I did. 

I’ve been all but silent on the American Idol this season, but I’ve been watching every episode.  As I mentioned last season, I’m in an office pool on the AI, it includes mad trash talk - a nice break in otherwise uberstressful Wednesdays.  That is, every season but this one.  This season has been nothing but dread-filled Tuesdays when all day I’ve known that I have to go home and watch the hacks sing on Shamerican Idol.

At first, I kind of enjoyed the show.  Sure it was clear that Crystalmeth was the savior of the season.  I always like the chicks with soul.  But over the last month one thing has become abundantly clear.  The Vaders at Fox want Lee to win.  And if they want Lee to win, of course Lee is going to win.  You can tell for the following reasons:

• Lee is way more marketable.  Sure, they’ll make him lose 25 lbs, do a duet with Uncle Kracker and start dating Jessica Simpson, but they know Crystal’s going no where but Lillith Fair…as a vendor…of hemp necklaces.
• The judges keep convincing Lee and watchers of the show that Lee will win in not so subliminal ways by repeating “you can win this” “you will win this” “you threw down the gauntlet” and “crystal who?”
• Simon chose Lee’s “judges choice” song last night.  That’s the clincher.  He’s the only one on the show with sense.  Ellen chose Crystal’s song – Ellen is now the token idiot judge.  Casey got “Daughters” by John Mayer… they might as well have given him “Butterfly Kisses” and made him sing it at Harvey Weinstein’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah.
• Lee sings out of the side of his mouth.  This is a pattern for winners.

You know I could be wrong.  I’ve been voting in the pool for the past 3 weeks that Casey would get the boot.  (p.s. if Casey does not go home this week, I quit civilization.  That guy is looking increasingly like a bloated hippie version of Ryan Sechrest.)  I guess it goes to show that the only thing you need to survive on an audience voting show in America is to be the only semi-good looking male.  Please note: Fox also convinced us that Casey was the good looking male on the show when they coached Kara to swoon upon her first sight of him.

American Idol has officially jumped the shark.  I don’t think I’ll be watching next season, but maybe I’ll stay in the office pool just to pick the winners like I pick my NCAA bracket, purely on looks. 

By the by, I saw on some news magazine that Adam Lambert was included in People’s most beautiful people issue.  Gross.  Anyway, he said that all you need to carry off a look is the confidence you can do it, so don’t listen to what anyone else says.  Bust out the bicycle shorts and mesh tank tops.  All you need is confidence.

This is going to get some hate mail.  Before you bring out the claws (Steve’s Dad), know that this comes from someone who likes Sex and the City.  I own all 6 seasons on DVD (it’s amazing to have gay friends who buy you gifts).  I was all about this television show…when it was a television show.  Now, an open letter to the folks behind Sex and the City 2.

Dear SATC Team,

What’s up my gays?  I realize times are tough for you, what with not being able to write scenes which show how you imagine straight sex goes (of note: it’s not really like that).  I get it, I’m there for you, but please, for the love of Manolos, Jimmys and Christians everywhere, stop making Sex and the City movies.  Now that these women are married, settled and have children, following their lives of trying to cling with the last injection of botox to their youthful sista’hood is all very desperate. 

In the past few years the characters we loved have turned into something else entirely.  Charlotte has become a caricature of an idiot when she was once a caring gallery curator trying to navigate the seas of men who just want to bang.  Carrie is now a wishy-washy ring chaser who continues to sabotage her own happiness at every turn.  Miranda is just a bitch these days.  And Samantha.  Oh Samantha.  I love Samantha.  Kim Catrall is a lovely woman.  Sexy and fun.  But she’s 54.  She’s the same age as the ladies on the Golden Girls (that’s right, 3 of that fab 4-some were supposed to be in their 50’s).  You’ve gone to a place where, when you cast 20-somethings having sex with her, we can’t help but wonder if it’s because they have a bet on who can bag the hottest old chick.  It’s like the boys that tried to pick up ladies at your college’s Mom’s Weekend.  It’s a little… much.  Can we please preserve the characters that empowered us chicks in 1998? 

Now you ladies, stop being so greedy.  Move on or move out, because off the royalties to this show, you can probably retire in that villa next to Clooney (watch out for WWII bombs).  Cut the ties.  You’ll feel freed (like when I went on a cruise and my cell phone didn’t get service, at first it was terrifying, then exhilarating).  Go back and watch that episode where Carrie tries out the flying trapeze.  Let me tell you, girls, you’re doing yourselves no justice letting the marketing folks at Warner Bros airbrush the heck outta your aging faces.  You don’t even look real.  It’s haunting me.  Last night I thought I saw Sarah Jessica Parker’s scary photoshopped glowing eyes staring at me from outside my window (don’t worry, it was just a raccoon). 

No note for the men of the show.  You guys are doing okay.  Evan Handler,  as Charlie Runkle on Californication – you are gold. 

LYLAS,
Erdahl.

**If you love Sex and the City and cupcakes and HATE this post, please visit my friends at affairaphernalia to get a themed cupcake stand and take it with you to see what will probably be the highest grossing piece of poo movie of the summer.**

Today the most shocking and intriguing sex pest story since that seal that raped that penguin hit the net.  Steven Seagal Sued for Allegedly Keeping Sex Slaves.  Ummm… WHAT?  How did this happen?  What’s going on?  Who Am I? Why am I here?  I don’t want you all to miss a beat of this, and frankly, I need some help understanding this, so let’s go line by line through this article posted today on TheWrap.com …

Seagal sued for allegedly keeping sex slaves
Former model claims actor assaulted her, kept ‘attendants’ on call
By Josh Dickey
Steven Seagal is accused of hiring young women as personal attendants whose real job was to serve his strange and sometimes violent sexual desires, according to a civil lawsuit filed Monday in Los Angeles by a 23-year-old former model who describes her experience in harrowing detail.  – Hmmm, “former model” huh?  Is that like a recovering adult film star?  I’m a skeptic, but straight forward enough, if you can suppress your first WHAT THE FACE you’re doing okay.  Let’s read on…

The plaintiff, Kayden Nguyen, said she met the action star in February through an ad on Craigslist seeking an executive assistant and, after three interviews, was told to pack for a trip to New Orleans, where the A&E show “Steven Seagal Lawman” was taping. – CRAIGSLIST!  I bet it was in the “Missed Connections” portion.  Who believes that SSL (Steven Seagal Lawman) is hiring his assistant off Craigslist?  I know he’s down and out, but he clearly still has an agent.  This is incredulous.

When she arrived, the lawsuit says, she discovered that Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian “attendants” who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven. – And this seemed to be okay with her, because…

On that first night, Nguyen was ushered to a secluded house where Seagal was staying with his wife and the two young women. He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says. – SHE STAYED!  Now, show of hands, who here would stay in a house with Steven Seagal and his 2 Russian Sex Slaves?  Dena, put your hand down, you would not.  Please note the use of the word “complain.”

She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills.” – So, she was “used as a sex” toy and the next morning, I picture it went something like this… she comes downstairs and pours herself some coffee while talking to the chef, maid and personal trainer and just whines about the night before, the same way Brenda bitches about Kelly in old 90210 episodes.  Doesn’t leave, just kvetches long enough that SSL comes and forces some roofies down her throat to relive the whole ordeal again.

The following morning, when she confronted Seagal herself, he told her there had been a “misunderstanding”; but hours later, he assaulted her a third time, an attack that stopped only when she ran away, according to the lawsuit. – Who is this woman??!?!  RUN!  Leave!  Don’t confront Steven Seagal – he’s not going to listen to you!  This girl’s an idiot.

The ordeal carried on for several days, and it wasn’t until Feb. 28 — the following Sunday — that she was able to escape the situation, the lawsuit says. – Probably because she tipped him off she was pissed about the whole being used thing.

The lawsuit says Nguyen told Seagal that she had to leave to meet with family members who would be suspicious if she didn’t show up. Nonetheless, he told her not to leave the house and followed her with a gun equipped with a flashlight as she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat. – SSL followed her with a  gun equipped with a flashlight.  This is the most believable part of this story.

A message left by TheWrap with the action star’s attorney, Stuart Rosenthal, was not immediately returned Monday. Messages left with A&E were also not immediately returned.  – Of course they didn’t return messages.  Would you?

It was not clear why Kayden Nguyen chose to file a civil lawsuit instead of a criminal complaint. Messages left with her lawyers were not immediately returned Monday.  – I know why, because she clearly doesn’t understand the law.  Or lawmen. 

Nguyen’s lawsuit claims that even after she got away, Seagal and his employees tried desperately to persuade her to return. When she escaped, she left behind “everything of value she owned,” including car keys, her laptop, clothes, and “hundreds of dollars worth of makeup.” She was told she would not get the items back until she signed an agreement stating she would not report the sexual attacks. – She had car keys?!?!  Why didn’t she leave???  Hundreds of dollars of makeup???  Show of hands, would you sign an agreement saying you would not report that Steven Seagal raped you for you hundreds of dollars of makeup back?  Dena, put your hand down, you would not.

The lawsuit says Nguyen had accepted the job on Feb. 22, a Monday, and was sped in a limo to a waiting private jet. Her first indication that something was awry was when Seagal told her, as the plane was taking off, that his wife “wouldn’t mind if we had a sexual relationship.” – and she didn’t get off the plane.  After getting the job on Craigslist and being hit on very explicitly by SSL, and wait!  HOLD THE PHONE, his WIFE?  Where was his wife throughout the ordeal?  This story has more holes than a moldy piece of swiss cheese.

Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is. – I will be following up on this, you bet I will!  I don’t even know what this means.

The lawsuit alleges sexual harassment in violation of federal labor laws; illegal sex trafficking; retaliation; wrongful termination; and false representations about employment. Each of the six counts seeks in excess of $1 million in damages. – but not rape.  Hmmmm…

There you go.  Steven Seagal is a perv.  And this is supposed to be shocking.  The only thing I can even think to say now is, no lies, I thought Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude VanDamme were the same person for 10 years and if this story was about Jean-Claude VanDamme it would be equally 100 percent believable.  Enough trash, I have to go watch Glee.

(If you’ve forgotten parts 1, 2&3 or 4 of I’m a Belieber, click on the numbers to get up-to-speed.  This isn’t season 6 of LOST and you’re not getting a recap.)

I’m back.  I know it’s late and I’m making no apology.  I’m sick of this Bieber crap.  I needed a weekend away.  Since I started Blogventure Bieber, he’s been everywhere.  I’ve tried to avoid television, radio and the interweb, but people keep brining him up in casual conversation and sending me links, emails and text messages to tell me they’ve seen him, like I have an Amber Alert out on the kid.  I don’t.  Please stop.  I love you friend-os, but I’m riding a fine line of sanity, and I’m one butterfly wing flap away from falling into a madness akin to Teddy Daniels.  That said, I promised my Woodward mind and Bernstein pen would take you into the innermost circle of Beliebers.  Now I am prepared to do just that. 

After only 20 minutes on the Justin Bieber fan sites I am scared.  I fear for is the future of communication in this world.  I don’t know if it’s just a craze that’s gone overboard, but every comment on these pages is written in textese.  It’s like children cannot write full sentences without using a number or the letter ‘z’ in an inappropriate place, spell without abbreviations or finish a sentence without adding extraneous letters to a word.  My point is best illustrated with actual quotes from the site:

• “JUSTIN BIEBER I REEEEEAAALY LUV U BUT IF U CAM TO MY HOUSE I WOULDNT GO CRAZY ILL TALK TO U AND THEN ILL ASK U IF U WOULD LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME!!!”
• “do u girlz think Justin Bieber is hot I am a boy not a gay boy I am his cozen I am a singer to.”
• “I luv UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, Justin.”  

Parents, get your kids off these fan sites and into some good literature*, if not to avoid Chris Hansen showing up on your front stoop, then to teach your children proper use of apostrophes and how to spell the word “cousin.”

I’m done here.  No need to spend any more time on this, here’s what the entire 5 days of being a Belieber have boiled down to: Belieber Scale = 2.  Respect for the folks that have molded this lump of clay, but I’m not a Belieber.  You know what else?  It DOESN’T MATTER, because this kid is gripping the nation right now!  On twitter if you search the name “Bieber” you’ll find pages upon pages of folks with “bieber” in their screenname.  I only had the energy to go through 7 of them.  They are all crazed Biebninjas (actual screenname).  One more Belieber will make no difference. Now I’d like to close this foray into investigative journalism with a message just for Justin. 

Dear Justin Bieber,

Hi.  It’s been a real rollercoaster ride this week, huh?  Listen, I’m not a fan of yours.  I’m not even sorry about it.  You understand, I’m sure.  Your music is simply not my cup of tea.  I prefer the sounds of a book smart rocker 5 times my age over the cotton candy fluff of a lad half my age.  It’s okay.  Agree to disagree.  However, you can possibly sway me.  After seeing a couple of your appearances on talk shows this week, please stick to scripted material until you’re less of an idiot.  You’re going to go all one trick pony by attempting flirting on any woman alive and talking about your love of the fans.  Don’t do that.  Be yourself.  Be a petulant 16-year-old spoiled brat.  It’ll be amazing.  You’ll get way more street cred and then, and only then, will I be a Belieber.  

Best of luck with your empire,
erdahl 

*the writers of popserious in no way condone children reading our smut.

Day 4 of trying to be a Belieber.  I’m dehydrated.  I’m sore.  I’m sick of seeing nothing but Bieber everywhere I turn.  It feels like the scene in Being John Malkovich when Cameron Diaz enters John Malkovich’s head AS John Malkovich.  It’s very confusing and sticky and weird.  I can’t keep running around in my own head about this, so I’m going to the experts.  The kids.  This is Bieber’s bread and butter.  If anyone can convince me that the turd has talent it’s these young’uns.  Here’s a breakdown of opinion by group interviewed. 

5 year old girls:  Beliebers

When my friend played a Bieber song for her 5 year old daughter, the little lass immediately started singing and dancing.  Singing.  Even though it was the FIRST time she had heard the song.  That’s how easy these songs are to memorize, a 5-year-old could sing the words to it when she’d never heard it before.  Another thing she’d never done before was see a photo of Justin Bieber.  When shown, her eyes bugged out of her head and she declared him CuuuuUUUTE!  However, she also imparted the best wisdom and critique I’ve gleaned about Bieber’s music, she liked it because “It sounds like a boy AND a girl!”  Interesting… 

Now, for the most part I think that this miniature chica is just a bouncy, happy-go-lucky agreeable kid, so she answered affirmative to every question posed.  “Do you like this music?” YEEEAH!  “If you could listen to Justin Bieber at any time of day would you?” YAAAAY!  “Who would you rather hear, Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus?” MILEY CYRUS!  Sorry, Biebs. 

First Grade Boys and Girls: Belibers

When a class of performing arts magnet school first graders were asked “who is this Justin Bieber fellow?” They went ape.  First graders love Justin Bieber.  They know his songs – and sang them.  They know his dances – and did them…it’s really just a lot of bouncing side to side.  One boy declared Bieber’s hair as “awesome” and then did an impression of it (he simply flattened his own hair and pushed it all forward).   

More than anything, though, what I learned from first graders is that they are LIARS and not to be trusted.  These kids may or may not actually like Justin.  It’s hard to tell, because they’ll say anything for attention.  While one girl claimed to “Listen to his songs all day on my ipod” another said “his concert is coming up and I’m going to go.”  These are inner-city first graders, folks.  The likelihood that they either have ipods or concert tickets is about the same as me actually becoming a Belieber.  Slim.  Finally, in the biggest deception of all one girl claimed Beiber’s “mom is really nice.”  Like they’re friends.  Like she knew her.  LIES!  All lies.  (p.s. this age group is comprised of dirty thieves, so if you have anything that’s animal print or bedazzled that goes missing, consult your closest first grader) 

5^th Grade Boys: NOT Beliebers

They do not like Justin Bieber.  They do not have any friends who like Justin Bieber.  They do not own his music. But, they also will not tell you what music they do like.  As much as first graders are liars, 5^th grade boys are secretive.  They claim “they don’t know” - - - ladies, I think this is where this whole man mystery starts.  If we could get men to express feelings in 5^th grade, I think we could change the world.  All 5^th grade boys want to say is that “Justin Bieber Sucks” and “he’s a poser” and he “sounds and acts like a girl.”   

In order to probe further on this specific group of kids I pulled out the big guns questions… “If stranded on a desert island with Justin Bieber, would you have a problem killing him for food if your life depended on it?”  NO PROBLEM.  “I got us tickets to the Justin Bieber concert.  Wanna go?” I would still go…I guess, but it would stink as my FIRST ever concert. 

5^th Grade Girls: TOTAL Beliebers

Okay, so we have uncovered it here, this piece is so much larger than I ever imagined.  5^th grade is where boys and girls split.  5^th Grade Girls Love Justin Bieber.  They think he’s “hot” and “absolutely gorgeous – just look at him.  I love his hair!”  Really ladies?  Really?  This is the new heartthrob?  Okay…  Overall, I think these girls are suffering from some severe delusions.  One signs her emails with the signature “I AM JUSTIN BIEBER’S WIFE, GET USED TO IT BUBS!!! SINCERELY, FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME, BIEBER” (her last name is not Bieber).  That’s a pretty strong sign-off, although, I am pleased that she has the manners to say “sincerely.” 

Junior High Girls: Beliebers: sure.  Team Jacob: YES

The last group I targeted was the tween-teen girls.  I skipped the boys, I figured they have enough sense to see through this kid to what he is, the girls however, my ladies!  What is going on?!  One 13 year old is sternly not speaking to her mother because the Bieber concert rolls through town while the family will be on vacation.  This girl is pissed because there has been no discussion of rearranging the fam vaca plans to meet the needs of the greater Beiber.   

4 out of 5 of the young ladies I interviewed had 1-4 Beiber songs representin’ on their ipods.  The last sheepishly said she was “having computer problems but would download them as soon as possible” (nerd of the group or only one with sense???  I say sense).  They all think he’s cute, but given the choice, Taylor “Statutory” Lautner has the HOT vote all locked up.  Again…LADIES LADIES LADIES!  Is it not clear that Taylor Lautner is the Ricky Martin of our generation?  Seriously, I cannot watch this kid in any sort of appearance without knowing that in the back of his head he’s desperately pleading with himself “Don’t be gay.  Don’t be gay. Don’t be gay.”  Comon’ let’s get you into some good crush-worthy fare.  Chris Pine?  Sam Worthington?  George Clooney?  By the way, this group was superiorly not amused when as an April Fool they were told they were being given tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.   

Belieber Scale: 3.  I’m not a Belieber any more than I was 2 days ago.  In fact, I’m less so and now I have the added bonus that I’m fearful for the generation after me when I need to lean on them in retirement.  Oh lord, now I know how my Grandparents felt when I brought home a Bel Biv Devoe tape.  Utterly helpless and afraid.  Just today, Bieber has taken over Funny or Die.  I can’t help but think that my little blog is helping to feed the machine.  Only one more day to go.  Tomorrow, I brave – the fanclubs.

(special thanks to all the kids and parents who enabled this tripe.  i really appreciate your time!)

Bad blogger, I missed a day on my 5 part series of becoming a Belieber.  I blame it on making the tough call to watch other mediocre artists who are coached by Usher (like Bieber) on American Idol last night.  So, in an effort to reconcile, here’s what I learned about Bieber’s songs and videos; parts 2 and 3, in one post

Day 2: The Music of a Bieber

I’d like to call it total crap, but that might be a bit of an overstatement.  J.Bieb’s music is neither good or bad, it just IS… like Obama’s first 100 days in office.  There’s no actual musical instruments played on it that I can decipher.  Although the kid does play the guitar, trumpet, drums, tuba, piano and jug, none can be explicitly recognized in any song, because like his vocals they are so pimped out with an autotuner that it could be a class of 4^th graders learning to play recorder as the backing instrumentalists: it’s all doctored in post-production anyway.  It should be noted though, the production levels on these tunes are tight and with the featured rappers on it, I can see why people like it.  I would’ve liked it too if it was 1990 and it was sung by New Kids on the Block.  That’s what Bieber is… the newest new kid on the block.   Here are a few of the songs that are currently “most popular” rated by itunes.

• “Baby” – It’s Catchy, saccrine and syrupy.  It reminds me of a song my friend Temar wrote in 4 minutes called “Ice Cream Girl.”  For the big kids, this track features Ludacris.  Luda for kids, that is, his rap about being 13 and in love is quite a departure from “I wanna get you in the back seat windows up that’s the way you like to…”
• “One Time” – this is where the Bieber shines, when he’s able to sing the word “Shawty” I think it’s because he is short – he’s like 5’4”, and praying that growth spurt comes ANY DAY NOW!
• “One Less Lonely Girl” - I think this was the theme song for the craigslist killer.  Picture him in his office replying to the home massage ads singing, “I’m coming for you…and there will be one less lonely girl” It begs for a remake from Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson.  One Less Lonely Girl could be an entirely different song.  A better one.
• “Love Me” – no lies, this song samples Six Pence None the Richer’s “Love Me”.  Essentially taking a bad song and using the worst part of it (the refrain).
• “Stuck in a Moment” – This title has already been used by U2.  And theirs was better.

Essentially, Justin Bieber’s music is on par with New Kids on the Block, N’Sync or any other boy band that is PG in sexuality.  The music definitely isn’t making sex fiends of young children, but it definitely is allowing them to think about it in the same way “Please Don’t Go Girl” made my childhood friend Julia want to scream and cry for Joey MacIntyre.  God, I can’t wait until this kid’s voice changes and his entire world crumbles.   

Day 3: The Videos of a Bieber

Beiber videos are a little more squirmy.  It feels like when you go to an amusement park and there’s that junior high couple that make out in the rollercoaster lines because it’s the only date they can have minus their parental supervision.  We all know that there’s sexting and kissing and sleeping with teachers with low self esteem going on at that age, but it just seems weird to watch it when you’re almost 30.  Apparently though, Justin “only watches movies that are R rated” (dude, you are missing out by not watching How to Tame Your Dragon), so maybe he’s picking up his sexy video technique from watching Dangerous Liasons or Sliver.  One thing that is a little enjoyable about these 4 minute long atrocities is that Bieber chooses leading ladies that are all at least 4” taller than him.  It’s hilarious, but not hard to do (again, this kid is PRAYING for a growth spurt as not to be compared to Bud Bundy in a few years).   

It’s only in Justin’s videos that you realize how WHITE this kid is.  Sure, he dances, but not with soul.  He’s clearly got the same choreographer as Usher but not the panache.  Imagine watching This Is It.  See the back up dancers?  They’re just not quite Michael.  Now picture them with Forrest Gump’s leg braces and the neck brace worn by Joan Cusack in 16 Candles.  THAT is Bieber dancing.  What the Bieber does have is swagger – not like Old Spice Swagger, more like he learned his swagger from an old spice ad.  This kid is too young for it – that’s why he has a “swagger coach” no I am not joking - read this if you want to hate this kid, btw).  Hell, with the amount of handlers Justin has, they could make anyone a star.   

The Belieber Scale: 5 the kid learned his tricks, he wasn’t born with ‘em.  The songs are catchy, but his voice is the least appealing thing about them.  I’m beginning to feel that I cannot be a Belieber because I am too old, so tomorrow I go outside for the answers, come back to learn what Justin Beiber’s appeal is from his true fans.  The kids. 

P.S. Watch this and try not to think that this is Justin Bieber’s kissing technique. Ewwww – I went there.

My first brush with Justin Bieber was on Superbowl weekend in Miami.  I had the pleasure to be backstage at an event where Bieber performed with some of the top rap and R&B talent today.  The list of musicians was marvelous, on that list is where I saw his name for the first time.  Right there under Ludacris and Pharell: Justin Bieber.  After a quick check on my phone to find out who the hell this joker was, I saw he was a very young, very white boy.  I laughed, shrugged, and continued to stalk Mary J. Blige outside her dressing room while avoiding eye contact and any random flying fist, phone or foot of Chris Brown’s. 

Now, make no mistake, I am white; painfully middle-America white; listens to Ben Folds and thinks it’s gangsta white; but I do love some hip-hop tunes.  I make no dillusions that I can empathize with the lyrics in rap music.  I’m not saying that I’ve sold rock on the street like Biggie, but I am saying I like hearing him spit some rhymes about it to a filthy beat.  It’s ridiculously motivating to hear songs with the word “Skeet” repeated while on a treadmill!  Regardless of how white I am, I was convinced that this little Nick Jr. watching, pull-ups wearing, having-mom-turn -the-minivan-around-and-return-home-because-oh-no-he-forgot-his-retainer-on-the-way-to-the-orthodontist-appointment thug wannabe was whiter.  Now, I think I was wrong. 

That Bieber kid has blown up!  First he’s at the AMA’s trying to get you to vote for a Bon Jovi song (“Dead or Alive”… duh, clear choice), then there’s a 3-year-old crying about how much she loves him on the internet, and finally the Coco we love so much is tweeting about him being a worthy nemesis.  If only I hadn’t dismissed the twerp!  I coulda gotten in on the ground floor!  I coulda been a contender…but instead I’m just a cynical meanie who stomped on the lad by for the color of his skin and the presence of his mom handing him a juice box in the green room.  I am sorry, dear readers and I won’t let it happen again.  This is why, in Popserious’ first piece of investigative journalism I aim to find out: Can a 29 year old woman, in 5 days, become a legit Justin Bieber fan.  Can I be a Belieber? 

Day 1: Research 

My pops has an old cutout newspaper funny framed in his office.  In the ‘toon, an Asian man at the bottom of a mountain is telling us, “The journey of 1,000 steps often starts with the realization that 1,000 steps is a hell of a long journey.”  These words have ne’er rang truer for me.  If I am going to be Belieber I am going to have to start that journey with research.  Here’s what I’ve learned so far. 

• Justin Bieber is 16.  That is one year older than when Donnie Wahlberg joined the New Kids on the Block, and he was a legit musician…so, well played Bieber. 
• He got his start when his mom placed videos of him singing on YouTube.  Some woman placed videos of her 12-year-old on the internet singing R&B baby-makin’ music?  No woman I know would do this, it just seems to cross a line, right?
• J. Bieb’s manager’s name is Scooter.  Scooter Braun.  He discovered Justin on the internet.  Hmmm, maybe the Mama Beib DID know something about going viral.
• He’s a player.  At 16 the kid claims he’s “had girlfriends.”  Also, he flirted with Barbara Walters.  Meeeow. 
• @JUSTInBieber latest tweet: “video shoot…school….video shoot…long day. with good people so all good” Good, Justin, good.  I guess that they didn’t discuss synonyms in school today. 
• He’s Canadian.  Oh, puke.  I admit to a mild case of xenophobia towards our upstairs neighbors, if I stay on this point a moment longer, I will abandon my quest.  I can’t bear to think of them.  So moving on… 
• You can see a video of him on the internet blow drying his hair.  I watched this clip for a full minute.  I’m so dedicated. 

So, research complete.  Prettay prettay prettay good base.  On the Belieber scale of 1-10, right now, I’m at a 4.  He had me with the blowdrying technique, but his hair is still doing that backwards wig looking thing and although he likes the older ladies, he’s Canadian.  Come back tomorrow when I’ll listen to some Bieber music!