Where Vanessa projects.

Pisces February 19-March 20

• Leap Year. This means your birthday finally happens. It also means you are no longer invisible. Time to buy some clothes.

Aries March 21-April 19

• Get ready to experience some new sensations this weekend which, contrary to your other new sensation experiences, don’t involve drugs. These involve your parents. Oh Aries, aren’t you growing up.

Taurus April 20-May 20

• On account of the latest beef recall, Taurus, you will once again find cause to question the point of your life if you can’t even be a source of protein to school children and prisoners.

Gemini May 21-June 21

• In time, your wits will fail you, but thankfully not before your motor skills do. Or perhaps not thankfully–that really depends on how you look at it.

Cancer June 22-July 22

• I know you’re tired of cancer jokes, cancer. But carrying a gun around is only going to lead you to an endless bombardment of soap on a string jokes. Choose wisely.

Leo July 23-August 22

• Earlier this week you discovered that your anti-depressant medication was just a sugar pill. What a good excuse to take a nap.

Virgo August 23-September 22

• While you might be cocksure of your wit, you will begin to discover over the next week that your sarcasm typically only registers with 23% of the people who still tolerate your presence.

Libra September 23-October 23

• You will come home from work today to discover your obese goldfish belly up in his little putrid bowl. Naturally, you go to flush him, but as soon as he hits the water in the toilet bowl he is revived and swims around happily. So now what do you do? Do you take him out again? He sort of looks cute in there. And think about the laughs all your house guests would get. You can always use your agoraphobic neighbor’s toilet for it’s true purpose. You know how he loves it when you come over anyways.

Scorpio October 24-November 21

• I found a scorpion in my bed once. Maybe some day you will too.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

• Tomorrow, you will come back from your hangover brunch to discover an unexpected package from your mother lying by the door. But unbeknownst to you, your friendly neighborhood homeless dude has already found it, made off with the hand-knit sweater inside and left an equally unexpected gift in its place. The confusion will create the sort of lasting family feud you’ve always wished for so you could write a finely nuanced misery memoir.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

• This eventless Friday evening, you will finally discover an ingenious use for that mysterious fungus thriving in the bathroom. It will bring you fame, but unfortunately, no money.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

• Looking back on the past hectic week, you discover that all of your meals included heavy portions of either brie, gouda, or cheddar. According to the drunken New Years diet laws you made, this means that you will spend the entire weekend padlocked to the treadmill.

Queen of the Indoor Kids (read: Ellen) recently asked me to explain the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry.  I found it a hard challenge to tackle, seeing as all I ever have to say about the Yankees is ummm… I hate them.  However, as a dutiful purveyor of sports-related information, I felt a need to look into the subject and put together a lil abridged explanation.

I’d say the real start to this “heated rivalry” was in 1920, when the Red Sox’s relatively new owner sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees.  You see, the owner was a gambling man.  Not in the traditional sense, per se, but in the sense that he built up a pretty substantial debt through his pursuits as a baseball owner.  Selling the team’s star to the Yankees was a quick way to erase said debt.  After the sale, both teams’ luck changed.  The Red Sox had been a dominant team in the American League since the start of baseball, winning the very first World Series in 1903, and then another four titles between 1912 and 1918.  The Yankees on the other hand, sucked (still do!).  Between the sale of Ruth in 1920 and 2003, the Yankees won 26 World Series and 39 division titles.  The Red Sox won four titles.  Total.  Some of you may have heard the term “The Curse of the Bambino?”  Babe Ruth is that Bambino.  There’s been more to it in recent years, including the Red Sox coming from behind in the 2004 division series (vs. the Yankees, who suck) and going on to win their first World Series in 86 years.

THE BAMBINO (above)

But you know what?  Enough about these teams.  Fuck em. Let’s talk Mets and their impending heated rivalry.  With the Phillies.  Growing up, all I ever heard about was the Mets rivalry with the Braves.  But truth be told, it was never much of a rivalry.  The Braves always won.  And the team they always left behind in the standings was my precious Mets.  But all of a sudden, the Braves have taken a back seat to the Phillies.  Which is fine with me, because there are way more Philly transplants in New York than Atlanta ones, thus giving me far more people to argue with during baseball season (here’s looking at you, Andy Greenwald).

Last year, Phillies star Jimmy Rollins made a pre-season announcement to the press that the Phillies were the team to beat in the NL East.  What’s the problem you ask?  The Phillies are in the same division as the Mets.  As in, Rollins seemed to think he was better than my team.   So, granted, the Mets staged the most astronomical collapse in the history of baseball and thereby ceded their due title to the phucking Phillies, but even so - Rollins is an idiot.  So, in typical awesome New York style, the Mets have hearkened back to the start of last season, sending one of their own to the press with the assertion that this year, with the addition of Johan Santana, WE are in fact the team to beat.  The messenger?  Carlos Beltran.  The message?  Last year is done, bring on the heat.

SANTANA, THE PHILLI-BUSTER (oooh, that’s a good one!  I’m good at nicknames!)

I went to see Henry Rollins’s Spoken Word performance the other day with GF, Karen and friend Sarah. I was definitely a fan of Black Flag back in the my youth. Or at least I was a fan of the idea of Black Flag. Either way, I supported HR and his menacing presence in my cassette player (dual cassette with speed dub-oh yeah.)

I actually bought tickets for a performance of his 15 years ago (ugh…that hurts to write) but was douched at the last minute in one of those oh so high school moments (”I don’t have any room left in my car”-Wendy Thurlow circa 1993) So it felt good to finally have the opportunity to see his show.

What struck me first was the fact that dear Henry has gotten older. No longer a muscle bound sausage neck one man army of screaming, HR seems more like a serene, salt and pepper haired any-guy. But after a few stories, you remind yourself this is no ordinary man. I have to say I expected a bit more yelling and craziness, but it wasn’t that at all. More it was a really heartfelt presentation about the importance of dialogue between people.

Henry mixed various stories of his life and travels (the latter of which he’s done a lot of.) Some were hilarious and others sad- such as his story of the three times he’s had to speak to some one for the last time in their life. “What do you say to someone when you know it’s the last time you’ll ever speak to them?”

Through the laughs and the serious moments one thing became apparent, Henry Rollins cares about humanity and is committed to changing the way people see the world around them. His ultimate statement for the evening was that through traveling and meeting new people and talking to one another, we can learn how to help each other create a better future. He’s come a long way form his days of screaming into microphones and “kicking heads in,” but I think he’s found a better way of getting his message out. Plus i’m not sure any of the 30/40 year olds would have been able to handle a full on punk fest.

I recommend seeing it.

-Josh

CUETABLE.

So my guy is into all sorts of x-files-esque conspiracy theories, to the point where when he met Richard Hoagland on the street, he a) knew who he was, and b) invited the man into his house to show him some of his CAD model projects. He’s sorta rubbed off on me as well, along with my love of the mumbo jumbo. Anyway, we were at my friend Brian’s house the other day, talking about -what else- aliens and Richard Hoagland, when he mentioned this project that he had found somewhat convincing. What! Since Brian is not a mumbo-jumboist like us two, I was especially curious about it:

Have you heard of The Disclosure Project?
Natch the next day me and Sean turn to see what it’s all about. I start watching it, and my roomie, who is a probably more rational than most, first pointed and laughed, then, upon realizing that I was actually into a press release on people who believe in aliens, gave a big sigh and wandered into her room, not to speak to me for the rest of the night. Understandable!

But seriously, if you have an ounce of curiousity, watch the video. This is the most convincing evidence of human contact with aliens that I’ve ever seen. It’s not so much what they’re saying as who they are. They’ll be all “Hi, I’m Frank, I’m retired from the CIA and have level 5 top secret clearance. Oh, here’s a picture of me playing twister with an alien”, or, “Heyo, I’m a retired commander/ fighter pilot from the navy with level 2 clearance and I’ve chased 30 UFO’s before in my plane” or “Hi, I’m Jose, I’m friends with the president and worked with the NSA for 30 years and here’s a picture of me and an alien doing the macarena at my cousin’s wedding.”
Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a tad, but still! It’s crazy stuff if you haven’t seen it before.

So even though I’m not moving until August, when our lease will inevitably shoot up to 1,000 more than what we pay now,  I’ve started to look for new apts (5-6 months early) like any New Yorker who’s gone through the new-asshole tearing process of finding another hole in the wall before.

While I love the city, and will probably inevitably end up back in one of the downtown villages, I always fantasize about moving north so I can:

1) Afford to have over 1,000 sq feet to myself.

2) Have a dishwasher, washing machine and dryer INSIDE my apt.

3) Have a big beautiful backyard and big beautiful view.

4) Never have to worry about parking again.

5) Be closer to where the ponies graze.

… And that is why I couldn’t resist clicking on a craigslist ad for TRUMP CONDOS NEW ROCHELLE  where I came across the most hilarious collection of Donald videos ever. I want to take the recordings from this site and turn them into a Donald Trump pull-string doll.  

Other great features on the site:

- The mini-image of Donald on the T.V. in the workout room (click next image).

- The cleverly pasted-on Manhattan skyline in the New Rochelle bedrooms

- The map of the condo’s location, which makes that oceanfront view suspiciously far away.

I ♥ D.T.

See what to eat this week.

Anyone working in midtown (I know you’re out there) will tell you that the choices for lunch get pretty mundane after a while. Let’s see. Soup? Salad? Sandwich? A slice? The gross communal hot food bar at the “gourmet” deli? Yawn.

So, imagine how happy my little tastebuds were when I stumbled onto this small Korean gem on 32nd Street.

You can see them making the dumplings right in the window.

These fried dumplings were delivered to my table fast.

Wanna bite? Minced pork, veggies and tofu.

Or try one of the traditional korean fried rice dishes.

Artfully presented. I’ve tried the Bimimbob (Korean-styled rice with assorted vegetables, ground beef, and an egg) and the Vegetable Fried Rice (stir-fried rice with onion with carrot, squash, and other assorted vegetables with an egg).

The fun part is watching them stir-fry the egg with the vegetables in a hot stone pot right at the table.

At $4.99 for four dumplings this place definitely brings some flavor to the midday food hunt.

Don’t forget the hot paste!

Mandoo Bar
2 W. 32nd St.
212.279.3075

EAT THIS: Goon Mandoo (pan-fried dumplings)

Our favorite nuclear rock star, Kim Jung-Il 2, has approved Eric Clapton for entry into North frigggin’ Korea! In fact, he’s been invited to perform by embassy officials. Though a few months back they let the NY Philharmonic in, this would be the first-ever Western rock star to be allowed into the exciting world of … I’d inset some snide remark here, but then again, look some members of (what I can only assume is) our country. 

Forgive me, but I can’t help imagining Jung-il slow dancing on the inside while Eric gently wooes him with “Wonderful Tonight”.

I found the coolest site today, and I’ve been playing with it non-stop. I’m sure it’s for kids but I love it. You can pick animals and then put other heads, feet, and tails on them. Hours of amusement! Try it out! switchzoo.com/zoo.htm