I am super excited that my Al Green record came in the mail today. However, it somewhat saddens me as well. Why?

Despite years of failed attempts, I still cannot do that thing he’s doing with his eyebrows. This is what happens to my face when I try to raise one eyebrow:

I look constipated! Sad!

There are many cool skills that I lack, including wiggling my ears, doing the shimmy (with my stupid frigid shoulders), and cracking all my knuckles at once, but the one that hurts the most is that one-brow raise. It might the sexiest thing a person can do. Just ask Elvis, or Angelina… or Al Green for that matter. All I can do is flair my nostrils, curl my tounge into an ‘o’ shape, and uhh, this:

LAME.

The“infamous” picture taken of Miley Cyrus for Vanity Fair has her looking like she just arose from a steamy romp with tousled hair and smudged, bitten red lips. Oh yeah, and she has no clothes on. Those pictures were not nearly as surprising as the outrage and disbelief the poor kid is expressing in retrospect. Miley and her family act like they can’t believe those pictures were actually taken of her. Um, hi- didn’t you spend half the day sitting in the same position for those “embarrassing” photos? Didn’t you view like 7000 polaroids they showed you as they set up those shots?

To be fair, the poor girl is a product of parents who endorsed the mullet way past its prime. Having that Appalachian blood must cloud one’s better judgment to some degree. I’m sure that girl fights an irresistible inborn urge to eat squirrel meat and crouch in creeks every day. So, the fact that she spent 14 hours hanging out half naked with her dad and is shocked by the photographic evidence, only confirms my theory that you can’t fight nature.

Note to Hollywood: Please don’t let 15 year old idiots call the shots on creative direction, regardless of how rich or smart they think they are. I can only imagine the hillbilly hell Annie Leibovitz had to endure during that think tank session.

When I was her age, I was wholly disconnected from my own sexuality due to the fact that I spent most waking hours cursing the day my orthodontist was born, which by my estimations was probably somewhere between 1891 and 1892. A good Saturday night for me in 9th grade was drinking cooking sherry on my friend’s bed while we watched “Hamburger the Motion Picture” on VHS. After my mom picked me up, I spent the rest of the evening in my room listening to 10,000 Maniacs while making emergency breakthroughs on the phone to my friends so we could talk about how hot River Phoenix was.

Nowadays, young girls all look, act and dress with a completely higher confidence and sense of self than what my friends and I had. I guess we can blame MTV and the internet for exposing our youngsters to the juicy eye candy that took the rest of us way too much energy and aggravation to watch on those scrambled channels. Either way, our little teeny bopper celebrities are a total bunch of skanky retards these days.

Jamie Lynn Spears got herself pregnant. Not a big deal, but the girl is keeping the baby. And her show! The High School musical chick had full frontal pictures leak on the internet, although she managed to back her hairy bush out of that debacle in time for HSM3 rehearsals.

Far be it from Miley Cyrus, the biggest teen star since Tiffany to be above this fabulous new trend.

I am sure poor Miley will bounce back pretty quickly, as she has yet to get herself in any real trouble yet. Somehow, I have feeling we won’t have to wait too long for that.

I usually enjoy watching the taxi cab TV… Until Rachal Ray launched her massive marketing/PR campaign, filling more airtime than the movie reviews (which I enjoy). 

I understand that she is trying to become the next Oprah/Marth Stewart but being so in-your-face is probably harming her more than helping!

Guess I should just turn off the taxi TV thinger and look at Manhattan zoom by instead.

I’m going to be a cryptic shithead, but ask for your help anyways!

Me and my dear friend Umsey are starting a company. I’m very excited about this. There’s only one thing we haven’t figured out yet:

Our company needs a name. A name that reflects beauty, athleticism, and history.

It also needs to start with an ‘E’.

That is all.

Any suggestions?

Hi. So, I’m in the UK at the moment. Waiting for paperwork stuffs to be approved and stamped before I return to New York in a few weeks. While I’m in the UK I’ve been freelancing for some magazines. My American friends always ask to see the features and pieces I’ve written. Here’s a few examples. Don’t even ask me how I know this stuff. I surprise myself sometimes.

My friend just purchased a flight with Virgin Atlantic to New York and sent me this link where you can see just what you get for your money when you book a seat in ‘premium economy’. Needless to say, it sounds pretty damn arousing…

Ok so lets break it down shall we?

Not entirely sure what the hell ‘more purple’ means but I’m well jealous. Does it mean more purple decorated surroundings, like my purple bedroom? Or is it a drug reference? Either way, I wouldn’t mind more purple in my life, in general, and perhaps a bit more recline too.

This basically translates as: you can get shit-faced drunk before and during your flight so by the time you stumble off the plane you won’t even remember where you were going in the first place.

Uh this sounds like someone from the cabin staff is going to try and touch you as you sleep without waking you up. Sexual!

Usually, when a Victoria’s Secret commercial comes on, I can’t help but stare at the perfectly-sculpted bodies of the Giseles and Leticias of the world and ponder if/how they really get away with eating anything they want. Then I feel the usual urge to do sit-ups, maybe have a good cry over a snickers bar, and change the channel to ‘The Biggest Loser’.

But lately, this urge has been replaced by the need to advert my eyes and quickly change the channel- because I suddenly feel like I’m staring at a tween rolling around inappropriately in her underwear. Baby-faced Miranda Kerr, though without a doubt fully grown with all the same lady curves as the others, lacks those ‘fierce’ high Giselien cheekbones, or those rich, smart-looking Alessandrian eyebrows, or any other facial feature that would make her look past the age of thirteen- albeit a really, really ridiculously good looking thirteen-year-old. I’m no longer staring at some bold, sexy, annoyingly perfect woman, but an impressionable Lolita-child. Is anyone else wierded out by this one or is it just me? I know that my guy friends really don’t seem to mind too much…

Ashton Fucking Kutcher. I had the pleasure of reading the attached article written by you OF ALL PEOPLE, giving women advice on how to be more attractive to men. I guess I was a little surprised when it didn’t say to sprinkle 50 year old geezer dust in your man’s Froot Loops and to always wear matching linen outfits from Dolce and Gabbana when out in public.

Also, congratulations on being the only heterosexual man under the age of 75 to mention the name Oleg Cassini EVER. The fact that you actually gave your thoughts on womens’ pantsuits in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar only solidifies my suspicions that Demi Moore’s vagina is toxic and a mental health hazard.

Ashton. What happened to the prank pulling, ironic T-shirt wearing buffoon we used to know and not totally hate? I’ll tell you what happened. He’s getting mint colonics with his elderly wife, eating raw food and wearing mandals to the Kabbalah center. I don’t care that Demi is looking great for her age. You were a stud, and you gave it away for 1985 leftovers. All your buddies are still banging 19 year olds and you are at home teaching your stepdaughters how to make the perfect scone. I bet Wilmer Valderamma and Danny Masterson have had a couple of good laughs at your expense while getting coke snorted off their dicks in the bathroom at LAX.

In the future, please refrain from giving us your so called “insights” about what women should do to attract men. The last time I checked you were not Larry Flynt OR Tennessee Williams as you would have us believe by this barfalicious prose: “I am enchanted by their precision and persistence. The ability they have to maneuver through life reminds me of a cat on a mantelpiece navigating around trinkets, photo frames, and flowers.” Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth just then.

Please focus on what you are good at which is making the same regurgitated goofy love story that people tend to enjoy on international flights and pranking unsuspecting D-listers by demolishing their rented Porsches and kidnapping their dogs.

When I was fifteen, I watched Sex and the City. So did all of my other friends. It didn’t matter that we were in 10th grade, and the show was a satire on adult, urbane women. We absorbed it, we adored it, we even felt that it was meaningful for us and our fifteen years on Earth.

Now, the reverse is true. I am twenty six, and I watch Degrassi, a show about fifteen year old kids. Like SATC before it, the show has a following of age-inappropriate fans: 20something city covens who follow with knowing blinks and smug smiles as a posse of just-cute-enough ’90s babies attempts to act out every “issue” we may or may not have dealt with ourselves - cutting! anorexia! STDs! spirit squad!

The show adopted the tag line “It Goes There” because of its trauma-driven drama.

It’s usually awesome, but lately, Degrassi has taken some wrong turns - especially wrong if you’re female, and concerned about the girls and women who come after you.

Here’s my problem:

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I’ve probably seen every type of porn there is. I’m somewhat like Bubba from Forest Gump- with his endless knowledge of ways to prepare shrimp- except I know dirty movies and indecent sex acts. After all, I went to an all boys military school back in the early 90’s and got to see a wide variety of smut on a regular basis. Similar to prison, where cigarettes are traded like cash, we worked on a complicated monetary system consisting of porn magazines, ramen noodles and chewing tobacco (no smoking- EVERYone “dipped”.) It wasn’t uncommon to hear such phrases as “Hey man, you still got that Swank magazine? I’ll trade you two cup-o-noodles and a “re-dip” for it.”

After high school, I discovered Internet porn and that pretty much changed my life forever. Well, until I dated a feminist “womyn” who wasn’t into the x-rated scene so that put a damper on my porno fixation for a little while.

Many years later and many girlfriends past, I met a woman who shared my affinity for tasteless boning videos. And we’re still together and we do it all the time and it’s great.

So what’s my point??? Mmmm, donno. Basically I’m a pervert and I think this site is amazing. And yes…Ben Stein is apparently one of the voices.

Porn for the Blind