New Yorkers, you know what time of year it is. Yeah, that’s right. The 6-ft-tall amazon women are knocking you off the curbs with their giant books and tiny boobs  as they run to casting calls: It’s fashion week time.  

While I am somewhat removed from the world of fashion nowadays, I somehow still find myself doing stuff on fashion week. Like celebrate the opening of the genius creator of hotdog water’s new store (in choice manhattan property), Court, which I wish was opening this week cause I could totally use a new outfit for my trip to the Hampton Classic this weekend.  

Awww yeah!

Then, on the same night, I’ll be heading over to the clothing release party of one of the most redonkulously gorgeous same-as-in-photographs people I’ve ever met in person, Erin Wasson, for her new tomboy women’s clothing line. Should be nice and boy-ish. 

I haven’t paid much attention to Shannen Doherty over the past decade or so, so it comes as a major surprise to see her Japanese twin on the cover of Us Weekly. Holy Futo Maki!!! Methinks Shannen got her gimp eye fixed (FINALLY!!) and also got her hands on a capable eyebrow shaper (THANK JEEZUS) among some other long overdue tweaks on that big pumpkin head of hers. While she looks like a very friendly Asian girl, she does not resemble the wonky drunk lunatic that I used to know.

The question remains-will I be watching the new 90210? The answer my friends, is probably definitely totally yes. I am ashamed, this is true. It is clearly going to be a bastard, but I grew up watching the original and we were all the SAME age (not really, considering Luke Perry was already plucking out gray pubes and Gabrielle Carteris was in the early stages of menopause) but on the show and in my real life, we were in high school, college, etc together.  Seriously, the show ruled. I mean, where else can someone get a nose job, date raped, shot in the stomach, brainwashed in a cult, become a coke head, experiment with lesbianism, get burned alive, resuscitate their pill popper mother, steal their best friend’s boyfriend, stalk Color Me Badd AND still be prom queen? Kelly Taylor, you are my hero.
So, hells yeah I will watch. I’m not going to like it, but I am really going to like not liking it.

Hillary Clinton’s Internal Dialogue before the Democratic National Convention:
As telepathically gleaned by me.

I can’t believe I have to go out there and sell this crap. Why me? Whyyyyyyyy?? You know what? I truly hate Bill. I’m going to cut off his balls, dip them in gold and wear them around my neck on a delicate chain. I can really go for a Yodel about now. Or a Ding Dong. Ramalamadingdong. I really just want to see Barack do the Carlton Banks’ dance, just once. I should be the president. Now I have to listen to Charles Rangel and Chuck Schumer ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I need to remember to spray some binaca up my nose so I don’t have to smell their breath. What am I going to DO NOW???? Motherfucker! Where is my cognac? Where did that stupid Carmen put my fucking bottle of co—oh here it is, under my spanx collection. Now what color pantsuit am I wearing tonight? Bitchass Michelle will be wearing something that hides the enormous stick up her ass..hahahahahaha. jerkoff. I like the orange. It says a new sun is rising. I am good. I miss Wellesley. OK, OK. Lets pump me up. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Say the preparatory mantra: BE AGGRESSIVE. B.E. AGGRESSIVE. I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away, I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is. When I close my eyes, I see this thing, a sign, I see this name in bright blue neon lights with a purple outline. And this name is so bright and so sharp that the sign - it just blows up because the name is so powerful… It says, “President Hillary Clinton.” I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That’s right.

I left my television for long enough this weekend to visit the Dutchess County Fair.

This past weekend, I took a trip to the Dutchess county fair with these three. Since I probably shouldn’t post pictures of children’s faces on the internet, I’m just going to say that this one in particular was a baby gap model and might be the most cherubic human in existance.

There were lots of rides.

I was too full of cotton candy and candy apples to ride most of them.

And there were so, so many farm animals… Petey the bull won grand champion out of the hundreds of bovines out there. He’s from Emily (my best friend)’s farm, was bottle fed as a baby, and is totally a little Ferdinand the bull. He just wants to cuddle with people and is gentle enough for little kids to play with. And now since he’s a Grand Champion, he can look forward to years of nonstop sex with cows! No hamburgers for you, lil’ guy!

There was also a petting zoo at the fair:

With camels!

He took all my pellets in one gulp, then kept trying to steal my sunglasses and bum a cigarette.

There was also this guy, who was happily trying to take small childrens fingers off as they offered him pellets, y’know, as payback for antelope-napping him from the African planes.

Shhhh! The kangaroo is napping heavily tranquilized. Emily had gone to this fair for like four days straight at all different times of the day, and the kangaroo never moved from this position.

Four-horned goat wants to eat your soul! And your pellets!

So, that was a little too wierd and we left the petting zoo to go do something I’ve always wanted to try, riding the mechanical bull!!!

As it turns out, if you ride horses a lot, this is pretty much the easiest thing in the world. I stayed on for like 5 or 6 minutes, until my thighs were tired and then let go.

Whee!

Then Eric, who rides horses even more frequently than me, got on and frustrated the guy controlling the machine even more:

Partaaay!

Hahahah.

Then, we got to watch our “Olympic divers”, which struck me as a somewhat audacious title considering the Olympic diving team was actually in Beijing at the time.

Still, the carnies were pretty bad-ass divers!

Then this heavily cloaked dude comes up to the board, soaking wet in what I could only assume to be water. Until he did this:

Aieeee!

He lingered there, burning for a good 30 Seconds(to mars, I can’t help myself, what’s wrong with me?), enough time for me to start heckling him to jump out of fear of catching a whiff of rotting flesh. Not cool burning alive dude. Finally, he dove.

Not to toot my own horn, but uhhh, best picture I’ve ever taken? I think so!

This is Pickles, the drummer for Metalocalypse- a cartoon I swear I never saw on adultswim. Pickles is the drummer for the death metal band, Dethklok. But before that, he was the lead singer of the rock band Snakes ‘n’ Barrels.
This is an obvious thinly veiled jab at the love of my life, Axl Rose. Can’t you people just leave him alone????? So what if he’s a little loco? What artistic genius isnt? Mozart, Van Gogh, Hemingway? No one ever sat around and criticized them for living. Maybe they did, but whatever.
I know most of you weren’t really around for it, but 1987-1992 were really awesome. I mean really. And I attribute that to the magic of Gun N’ Roses and the fleeting hotness of Axl Rose, even if he is a bipolar misogynist ( btw, Bipolar Misogynist is the name of my band, if I ever start one…so patent pending).
Lets just take a quick visual trip down memory lane and stop hating.

uh huh!!

right on!!

Doesn’t 2008 Madonna strikingly resemble She-Ra, Princess of Power, but slightly more intimidating? And less feminine? She is one scary, scary lady.
My first concert was actually Madonna’s True Blue show approximately 235 years ago. I went with my Grandma Ruth who took me and my cousin to it, which was a pretty bold move for her, now that I think about it. I really don’t remember much of the experience because some kid in the seat directly in front of us vomited all over the floor, and I spent the whole concert listening to my grandmother complain that she couldn’t get the smell out of her nostrils. It’s ok. I didn’t like Madonna for starters, and my grandma is waaaay more entertaining.

When I was at my lease signing with Manhattan Apartments (a last-resort desperate move) three years ago, Bob Saget was at the M.A. offices, sitting next to me, probably getting royally dicked over as well as he signed an apartment lease for his daughter. He seemed like the sweetest dad ever, give or take an added sprinkling of questions like “so, are you gonna bring any hot friends over to your new apartment?” to his daughter as she cringed and did the “daa-aad!”.

I was delighted. Mind you, this is before I’d seen The Aristocrats, and just knew him as the skin-crawling Danny Tanner. After that day, he struck me as pretty much the greatest prankster of all time, convincing the world of his wholesome nature, than bitchslapping us with his filthy, filthy mind. That’s right, I love the guy.

Anyway, that’s why it ruled that he got roasted by Comedy Central, and even more perfect was that Cloris Leachman came out of her filthy, filthy closet too, fittingly at Bob’s roast, and made out with uncle Jessie on stage (there were more dusty vagina jokes aimed at her throughout the show than anything else, which she totally took with some serious cahones).  Ack.

Anyway, in case you missed it, watch the Cloris do her thing:

Aaaand the unsensored stuff:

“They” say that the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games has become the most-watched U.S. television event of all time with 211 million viewers over 16 days of coverage on NBC and its sister cable channels. “They” are obviously NBC. I thought the Olympics were pretty good, my favorite event was obviously watching American teammates Thomas Finchum and David Boudia in the Men’s Synchronized Diving. I kept thinking about what their future apartment on Christopher Street was going to look like. Scandinavian with some mid century modern touches, yes?
Anyway, it may be true that the Beijing Olympics is the most watched TV show of all time, but they obviously didn’t interview me. The most watched shows of all time BY ME are the following:
1. Diff’rent Strokes: Dudley and Arnold get Molested At The Bike Shop. If there was EVER a very special episode, it was this. The Maytag repairman dude is the seedy molester, who tries to wine and dine these two completely oblivious fools. Arnold should have known that safari hats + trampolines + red wine+ shirtlessness = My freshman year at college—I mean, bad bad badness. Plus, Arnold was 24 in real life, and knew what he was doing. Naughty!
2. True Life: I’m Going to The Jersey Shore: This show is the best documentary ever made. I’m not even going to pretend I am above it. True, I am from New Jersey, but this crew is even off the charts for me. I swear I never ate Cheeseballs on the boardwalk at Seaside Heights!!! A pinwheel, maybe. Anyway, Tommy and his friends, their “Corleone hats” and Jersey shore nightlife are ratings GOLD! If you have never seen it, clear your weekend, buy a few boxes of wine and keep the Pizza Hut wings coming. Blessed Day.
3. Being Bobby Brown: Whitney and Bobby Do Impromptu Sunglass Dance. Yes, I TiVo’ed this episode and watched it until my television actually cried for me to stop. What is more enthralling than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown randomly breaking into perfect song and dance about a $5 pair of sunglasses at a Marriott gift shop? I have watched it so many times, that “It Works For Me” ditty has actually worked its way into my daily repertoire. Absolutely Genius.
4. Last but not least, I would be remiss if I didn’t add the best episode of My So Called Life: The Boiler Room. This is mostly because I just really related to not wanting to get caught being near/fraternizing with/kissing Claire Danes. I really felt for Jordan then.

Just in case you weren’t entirely sure that Winona Ryder is completely Ca-razy, she is now apparently dating Tom Oneball Nochin Notfunny Greene.  He is annoying and ugly and Canadian and therefore probably uncircumsized, so NO NO NO and NOOOOOOO.
Lets face the cold, hard truth: Winona has clearly screwed every worthwhile man in the entertainment industry at large, and can only go down from there. And I mean WAY DOWN. Like, if her old boyfriends were mostly prime New York real estate, Tom Greene is a basement in the Hunts Point section of the Bronx.
Let’s also address the not so secret fact that in the last 20 years, her heehoo has seen a lot of action, and I mean A LOT. I think she should just name it Wembley, for the London area stadium that can hold about 100,000 people and had been the site of many, many, many enormous music festivals and sporting events. So if the 90’s adage of “you sleep with everyone your partner has slept with” is true, then Jimmy Fallon had sex with Johnny Depp, and Conor Oberst had sex with Chris Noth, and the kid from Rilo Kiley had sex with Adam Duritz, Beck, David Duchovny, Dave Pirner, Daniel Day Lewis AND Paul Westerburg. Tom Greene is having sex with all of them, and probably likes it, too.
Then again, it has been a while since Winona has been really relevant (outside of stealing clothes she probably already owned from Saks), and her star is slighting dimming mostly due to her own self destructive behavior. I mean, has anyone SEEN “Mr. Deeds”??? Was that some sort of dare, or act of rebellion or something? I don’t know, but Adam Sandler just makes we want to convert to Lutheranism and/or cut someone.
Look. Pretty girl with tons of cash + a string of 783 hot ex boyfriends and 422 not hot, but famous ex boyfriends= unbalanced, annoying egomaniac with a whiny voice and stinky feet. Prob/Stat 101.
 

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Late, yes, but still in time for tonight’s sure-to-be-amazing drag queen episode (if only they did a cross-over with America’s Next Top Model! A dweam wiffin a dweam!), it’ my Project Runway Recap! Don’t cry, I know—it’s beautiful.

Okay, so this week the designers got to create an outfit for a rich and powerful business woman … Wendy Healy! If you don’t know who that is, you are one of the many millions of people who don’t watch Lipstick Jungle, because Wendy Healy is Brooke Shields’ super important film exec character on the show. So … Brooke Shields. Yay? I mean, I like her and all, especially given the fact that she made thick eyebrows sexy, so that as a child people could say ‘Oh, you look like Brooke Shields!’ instead of ‘Oh, you look like Bert from Sesame Street,’ even though I totally looked more like Bert. But digression aside, Brooke Shields is just kind of meh for me as a celebrity guest.

The winner of the challenge, by the way, gets their design worn by Brooke on Lipstick Jungle, which Tim says is such an amazing prize that there will be no immunity. I don’t know – I mean, if the outfit would be on Gossip Girl, maybe, but Lipstick Jungle? Let’s use the ‘if the tree falls in the forest’ analogy. If Brooke Shields wears a busted outfit and no one sees it, does it make it work? Better luck dressing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

This challenge was one of the pairs challenges, where the designers sketch and present their ideas to Brooke and then she picks team captains. The team captains (in no particular order, ‘cause I can’t remember) were Keith (who picked Kenley, resulting in the Most Annoying Team Ever), Korto (who picked Joe, forming the Ethinic and Sexual Minority Team), Terri (who picked Suede to complete the Psychological Imbalance brigade), Kelli (who picked Daniel, which was just apocalyptically bad, but how could she have known?), Blayne (who picked Leanne, presumably to balance his girliciousness with her milquetoastiness) and Jerrell, who got stuck with last-pick Stella to realize my Project Runway Dream Team.

During the sewing/draping process, we learned the following:

-Suede sucks as a partner as much as you thought he would;
-Terri “ain’t got nobody suckin’ on her titties,” so don’t expect any favors;
-Suede might have balls OR a “vajayjay,” we don’t know for sure;
-Joe is a pussy and also a kiss-ass;
-Daniel is possibly depressed and definitely waaaaay too full of himself;
-Kenley, in addition to her annoying laugh, has a thick accent that seems to be the bastard child of Long Island, south Boston, and Fargo, North Dakota;
-Koto will cut a bitch. But you knew that;
-Blayne: Stop trying to make ‘Holla at your boy’ happen. It’s not going to happen!

And now, the outfits:

I know I am biased because I LOVE them so, but Jerrell and Stella so deserved to win this one. Their outfit was supposed to take Brooke from day to night, which they did without any sort of modification. It’s edgy, chic, sassy, and dare I say fabulous.

However, Brooke shields decided to play it safe and go with Keith and Kenley’s design, which, while perfectly nice, was so much less fashion-y than JeStella’s. Plus I hate Kenley. Bitch needs to go down. And take that fucking flower off your head, what are you, hiding a bald spot? Ahem. Moving on.

Somehow, Terri and Suede got through to the next round.

WTF? It looks like Forever 21 up and jumped that model on her way out of a methadone clinic. I call foul! (This is one of many instances in which Proj Run is getting bad at disguising their producer-influenced decisions. Suede may make good TV, but Suede done made an ugly top).

Koto and Joe, who almost came to blows over the poufiness factor of their outfit’s Bollywood-esque jacket, made it through to the next round. And actually, I quite like this, but probably not on Brooke Shields (who, btw, actually had fairly astute opinions on the fashions, so good for her).

At the bottom were Blayne and Leanne, who failed to make formal shorts formal enough ….

…And Kelli and Daniel, whose leopard-trimmed suit got a little slutty when the jacket came off.

Of bottom twos in the history of Proj Run, these aren’t actually that ugly. Ultimately I agree that the team leaders should have been the bottom two (Blayne and Kelli) but let me go on record as saying that Daniel is a little bitch. The best moment of the show was when Michael Kors said that he questioned both Kelli and Daniel’s taste, and Daniel said—with a totally straight face—“I have impeccable taste.” And Kenley burst out laughing, which still doesn’t make me like her, but was awesome.

Anyway, Blayne and Kelli were the bottom two, with the judges thinking that Kelli kind of only did the leopard thing and that Blayne didn’t have enough of an elegant aesthetic. Kelli was auf’ed, which is not a huge upset or anything, but I wonder how much Blayne’s flamboyant, catch-phrase-attempting personality figured into his salvation. Then again, the fact that they are amazing to watch may just keep JeStella in the game, so carry on, producers, carry on.