With the holidays just around the corner, I thought I would give you some original gift ideas for the people in your life. You can thank me later.

This S’more Maker:

 First of all, how cute is this? It looks like it can possibly also fold shirts and give massages, and possibly talk about Gossip Girl.

The R2D2 Tissue Dispenser:

I know, I know. 82% of Williamsburg just had a minor coronary. Get it before the 15 year old Japanese kids buy ‘em up.

The X-ray Camera Lens:

It apparently really works. Perfect for the perv in your life.

Colored Toilet Paper:

There has got to be someone who gets a kick out of wiping their ass with black TP.  I dont know who would want it but I would wait who said that?

The Beer Belly Dispenser:

Yes, This is the most disturbing thing ever. BUT. I am sure we all know someone who would lovingly carry around a papoose of Bud Light like it was a precious newborn.

I really promise to stop talking about this band. I really will make an effort.

Chinese Democracy is the most successful album of our generation and it hasn’t even been fully released yet. The reason why it is already a true success is that over the last 14 years or so, it has been incessantly talked about, debated, debunked, hated, criticized, mystified and anticipated for no other reason than who was making it. Would you care if you heard that Ugly Kid Joe have been working on a record for the last 20 years? Hmm..maybe a little.  Besides Axl Rose, there is no other person that I am aware of that can generate that kind of hoopla just by fiddling around in a studio for a decade or so. So does it really matter if it’s good or bad? Not really. People have made up their minds long ago how they were going to feel about Axl and the new GNR and Chinese Democracy. This album surely won’t change their minds, but people will buy it just to be sure. I will get it because I am a fan, I am curious and I hate Scott Weiland. But like everybody else, when I really want to listen to Guns, it will always be Appetite for Destruction. Always. Chinese Democracy is merely a lesson in loyalty, patience and seeing how far a person can push you and still have you love them anyway.

Here’s the breakdown: Axl Rose is officially remarried and has a new kid named Chinese Democracy. Everyone always hoped that after GNR divorced, they would get back together, but it’s finally clear that is not gonna happen. The story of the original Guns N’ Roses plays out like the classic case of parents getting divorced. Slash and Duff are the dejected mom, who promises to love you even though she doesn’t love dad anymore. She shows you her devotion by taking you camping and to the game (Velvet Revolver, etc), which is nice and all, but was a lot better with dad. Dad doesn’t make excuses; he unapologetically just takes off and hardly calls or writes. You create fantasies about him, call him an asshole behind his back, but when he does come by you fucking worship him for those 4-6 hours or so until he gets back into his Maserati and drives back to Vegas.

I love how the mere idea of Chinese Democracy has driven people crazy for so long. Axl never gave in to external pressures and I love him for not selling out. He never gave anyone what they wanted or expected from him. There was never a quickie album, a judging gig on “Rock Star Supernova”, a cookbook, an autobiography or a high profile romance. He’s like the annoying kid who took 3 years to finish his lunch in the cafeteria and missed recess everyday and everyone thought was a huge ass. But that kid never cared about recess, he just cared about that perfectly cut egg salad sandwich and his milk box. That kid doesn’t care what you think. And he doesnt like playing kickball either. He is Axl fucking Rose.

People Magazine announced today that Hugh Jackman is the Sexiest Man Alive. I’m guessing that their round table discussions to determine this outcome included only gay men and the 1988 Boca Raton canasta champs. BLARGH!! (And I just said that in an Austrailian accent. I also like saying Heath in an Aussie accent-just say Hayth. Its fun. I do it all day long).

I would have picked Johnny Depp for this honor. It should automatically go to him every year. He is pretty much the only person on the face of the earth who looks hot even when he is trying to look ugly, which is basically all the time. Please witness his test shots from Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland.”

The other most gorgeous thing from that movie is THIS COAT

Please someone get me this exact coat for me. I’ll be your best friend…

Here are some favorite JDepp looks:

Blow- He was hot about 1/2 way into the movie, when he started dealing and went to jail the first time. As soon as he got too too successful, he got a horrible lampshade hairdo and it all went downhill from there. I blame Penelope Cruz.

Chocolat- COME ON! Who doesn’t want a good looking gypsy with a banjo to come and sweep them off their feet? Maybe its just me.

Pirates of the Caribbean-COME ON! Who doesn’t want a good looking pirate to pillage their house and kidnap them onto a ship? Maybe its just me.

Edward Scissorhands- Every goth or sad Smith’s wearing T-shirt guy I ever liked, should just thank Ed (or kick his ass).

Guys, times are tough. The average household in America is 10,000$ in debt. There’s plenty of reasons to live off of nothing but ramen, and even more excuses to be miserable about our world today. But that’s why I think you should all pick up your wallet, pull out those 30$ you have left to your name, and buy something awesome to pass your unemployed hours with. I have a pessimism theory: If you ignore the sublime, and pay attention to doom, things will only get worse. So buy yourself a gift. Wrap it up, decorate it with bows, and cherish it through these tough times. Also, try to get it on ebay so you can feel even less guilty because chances are you just got a bargain, bargain!

10) Classic Bart Simpson Tee, circa 1989 - a reminder of simpler times, and the right attitude to get through these ones. 

9) Gold Coins. The value of your money might go down, but these babies will always be worth something! 

3-month emergency food supply. Yay! Food! For the precautionary ones out there (Just don’t forget to stock up on water, too!)

7) Lego Safe - What, you think a bank is safer?

6) TOYS! YAY! 15% off any toy from Toy’s R’ Us (Thanks, Consumerist)

5) Binoculars - Becoming an unemployed peeping tom is cheaper than paying for monthly cable, so make like an Afred Hitchcock movie and get your voyeurism on! Also, birdwatching rules.

4) DDR - Get those endorphins going, minus the 500$ for a wii.

4) Adopt a Kitten, Puppy - Have a fantastic symbiotic relationship with a lovable fluffball who will adore you no matter how cheap the kibble you give them is.

3) Bicycle - This one doesn’t need explaination, does it?

2) Amazon Kindle. Cause it has the sauciest name ever, it will help you pass the time, and once you try it, you’ll get what the big deal is. But mostly cause it has the sauciest name ever.

1) Nintendo DS lite- Heh. yeah, that pic below is my recession gift to me (including the best game ever, millionheir)… Trust me, guys, it’s hugely entertaining, cheaper than a wii, and worth every penny.

So, as you probably know there is a singing group of old folks called “Young @ Heart” who sing modern tunes and everyone except me thinks it’s totally charming and adorable. I would never want to see my grandparents sing “Come As You Are” by Nirvana or “Road to Nowhere” by Talking Heads because I think its totally degrading. My grandparents all had better things to do than singing pop music, like making gefilte fish from scratch and yelling at the Yankees on TV. What the hell do they know from Talking Heads or Coldplay? It’s not natural. These people are called “The Best Generation” by the amazing Tom Brokaw, and I’ll be damned if you make them sing the trite musings of that self absorbed shit head, Kurt Cobain for our entertainment. Is it cute being old? Are they here for our amusement?? Sure, we used put my grandma’s wig collection on my grandfather when he was asleep in front of the tv. But that was in the privacy of his OWN home.  Can’t we let people live their golden years with a little dignity? No, lets put a guy with an air tube and a hernia the size of Togo on stage to sing a depressing song and make everybody think about the fragility of life and how old people are just wrinklier versions of us and holy shit, life is short. NO THANK YOU!!!!!!!

Anyway…I came across this most depressing clip by accident yesterday and immediately wanted to crawl under the table and cry and/or google the nearest botox center. I don’t know what depressed me the most: The oxygen tank or this geezer’s voluptuous figure which started to give me phantom birthin’ pains for some reason. I want to know what is inside that big gut. Methinks its blueberry juice.

Please click here to see what I mean. And get a hanky.

You know, I bet I could really like Coldplay if I didn’t hate Gwyneth Paltrow so much. I know I shouldn’t judge a band based on the pretentious assface the lead singer is unfortunately married to, but I can’t erase her big bony head from the whole equation, so sorry for being petty and mental.

1980’s teen movies were awesome because they all told the same story of the geeky kid overcoming the bully.  Stories like that are inspiring for young kids. Who wants to be just the new kid in town when you can be the new karate champ in town? Who wants to have the quiet crush on the rich girl when you can rent out the local museum and impress her with diamond earrings?
These movies give the young audience the hope that they too can beat the odds, get the girl, win the game. It’s an impossible, unfair lie, but it sure is fun to dream. However, the only way the underdogs ever get ahead is by planning some sort of bizarre mutiny against the popular jerks. This is usually accomplished by making Kelly LeBrock on a computer,  turning into a werewolf, convincing all the kids in detention to kick the rich kids asses, paying your hot neighbor to pretend to like you OR, (my favorite) dousing icy hot on the football team’s jock straps and putting on a super cool syntheziser performance at the school Olympics.
As for girls, the classic formula for coolness is simply a makeover. If anything, these movies point out that happiness can be had if you just take your goddamn glasses off (Please see: Teen Witch, Breakfast Club, She’s Out of Control for starters).  By the way, this girl from “She’s Out of Control” was my personal hero in 8th grade. I’m still all about that outfit.

My Favorites:

Teen Witch:

So you have Louise who wears the worst clothes ever and has the most annoying best friend ever and finds out from the Poltergeist lady from down the street that she’s really a witch and can cast spells and stuff. She then gets the best 1980’s makeover in the entire world. She also brainwashes her entire community into thinking she’s awesome (they carry signs around town that say “Louise!”), except for her dejected nerd friend Polly, who is stuck riding her bike wearing a straw hat. And btw, Louise is Blake Lively’s sister. For reals.
Pretty in Pink:

There are many super things about this movie, like Ducky’s memorable Otis Redding impersonation and Andrew McCarthy being the desperate douchebag on the verge of tears like he normally is, but for me its all about SPADER. James Spader somehow convincingly plays a high school student while looking about 37 years old, wearing Armani blazers and drinking brandy during lunch period. I love that prick!!!

Weird Science:

This may be one of my favorite movies EVER. These two geeks accidentally create a girl by scanning pictures of a Vogue cover girl, David Lee Roth and Albert Einstein into their Commodore 64 while wearing bras on their heads. She comes to life, they get Porsches, throw the best party, get the popular girls DEB AND HILLY…happy ending. I always watch this movie and think what components I would scan if I had a computer like that. It would probably be one simple command : A X L . I know, I’m so annoying already!

Hi guys, Yes, I’ve been absent for a long, long time. I was suffering from Obsessive Election Disorder. I couldn’t do any fashion posts, only angry tirades about the CNN ticker and its right-wing agenda. Now that Obama has won (!) however, I’m simply suffering from Post Electoral Depression, and can turn my attentions once again to craptastic fashion and reality television. Which brings me to the gift from the heavens that is dismembered Barbie Jewelry.

When I was a girl, I was intrigued by Barbie’s many anatomical wonders: the soft head that, when pulled off, revealed a little plastic ball (and that, when forced back on, always made Barbie look a little misshapen and Downs Syndrome-y); the rubbery legs that could be made to bend the wrong way; the feet that could only balance on tiptoe. I often gave my Barbies tattoos, cut their hair, and made them act out soap-opera worthy storylines full of lesbian dalliances, murder, and, of course, many changes of clothing. When I was thirteen I bought a JEM doll, who was promptly given a mohawk and who lorded over the Barbies with an iron fist. But I digress. Had I had the foresight to turn my ruined barbies into art, I might have found my calling:

It goes without saying that these make both great Christmas/Hannukah gifts and great creepy revenge/stalker presents.

Anyone who has been to Disneyworld knows that reality does not apply once you enter the alternate universe of the Magic Kingdom.
Where else in this entire world do you get the option to NOT walk?? Yes, Disney affords people the unusual luxury of buzzing around all day on a mechanical wheelchair, even if your only affliction is being an incredible lazy, fat ass. Now, don’t get me wrong. There were a substantial amount of people with real disabilities at the park, but I could not believe the amount of fat fakers zipping around, getting the best seats at shows and special treatment on lines.

As you can see, I spent a good amount of time photographing obese people on hovercrafts on my vacation.

Recession, you say? Not here. People can’t spend their money fast enough at Disney. Normal, hard working individuals temporarily lose their minds and buy tons of merchandise, such as silly hats and T-shirts that say things like “I’m Grumpy Because You’re Dopey” and shit like that.

This attractive lass is selling $9 balloons. And people are buying them. No one even cares that latex and air should cost about 19 cents. Will they make their mortgage payment this month? Doubtful. But see, it’s a balloon INSIDE a balloon.

Everyone is employable. You don’t need a college education to dance around in a dog costume for 12 hours straight. In fact, you don’t even need to know how to read, write or even speak. If you can stand and maybe move your arms a bit, you can work here. Are you a third runner up in the 1998 Miss Seminole County beauty pageant with little prospects outside of Mons Venus? All you need is a permasmile and a wig, and you can be the star you always dreamed of here. Imagine the glory you will feel when hordes of people will stand in line for hours just to take pictures with you!!! 

By the way, Swan Brooner, you look fantastic!!!

Disney really is a place where dreams come true. Except for the fact that I walked into approximately 50-55 fart clouds and saw an absurd amount of hideous neck tattoos, I would say that all in all, Disney is still better than real life.

This is the election that keeps on giving.

It took me a while, but I think I’ve found the best, most concise blog summarization of the eye-rubbing events of last night:

!!!