For the last several years, I have had a love/hate relationship with MTV. And although they kind of ruined my life with the Jonas Brothers and Spencer Pratt, they went ahead AND TOTALLY REDEEMED THEMSELVES and got a transgender person to be on the Real World Brooklyn. If you think I am going to miss the frat fools and backwards cap wearing meatheads try to make sense of THAT, then you don’t know me at all. How high is that going to rate on the unintentional sexual miscommunication comedy scale? I personally can’t wait for it and hope there is a hot tub somewhere in that apartment.
Truthfully, I was totally planning to avoid Real World Brooklyn like FOR REAL this time. I don’t think my heart could take seeing NYC as an innocent victim in another senseless display of brainless tomfoolery. Plus, at this point I’m pretty much over the typical MTV line up of the ‘roid rage kid, the slut, the crybaby, the guru, the evil bastard, the moron and the fish out of water. The good news is that after 5,314 seasons MTV has finally decided that there had to be new discomfort zone to create for ratings. I can only wonder how the bigwigs decided that it was time to shed light on the transgender community. Did they have to narrow it down from a large selection of options? Perhaps a Hasidic kid? Hot blind girl? Popular outgoing midget (small person, whatever..)? Someone with glass bones and paper skin? Sorry, I’m drunk right now. Bear with me.
Between Isis on America’s Next Top Model and now Katelyn on the Real World, I have a feeling that transgendered folks are about to have their day. This is exciting. I have been a huge proponent of the transperson community for some time now.

Anyone remember the classic tale “Just One of the Guys?” It’s in my top 10. OK, 20. How about the 1980’s Chad Lowe (yes I said CHAD Lowe) movie “Nobody’s Perfect” where he turns into Stephanie, an extremely ugly collegiate just to get close to the girl of his dreams on the tennis court? Even better is the 1992 Jonathan Silverman movie “Little Sister” where he becomes the most heinous sorority girl on earth (I take that back. I personally know a few sorority girls who were waaaaay uglier than him) and falls in love with Alyssa Milano. Poor Alyssa is clueless that her new best friend is really a guy in drag, unfortunately assuming that every girl has mountains of arm hair like she does. ANYWAY…Thanks, MTV for winning me back (for the time being). For the next Real World (I’m thinking
Montreal or Asheville, NC since you love desecrating burgeoning artistic havens) you can totally pick from some of my above character suggestions. You are welcome!

I flew into Boston from London last week.  It was a nice flight, despite losing 2 hours of my life to “The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”.  On arrival, I disembarked and made my way to the immigration area.  As with most international terminals these days, there are two sets of immigration booths:  1 for domestic nationals (Americans), and 1 for the international jet set.  I can’t imagine that it’s particularly pleasant to roll up to the “Foreign Nationals” window as a non-American these days, but at least one girl didn’t give a f-ck.  I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

As I was approaching the area where the Americans and the Eurotrash split up into their separate corrals, I couldn’t help but notice ahead of me the characteristic shuffle of a young lady in her early 20s walking in Ugg boots.  You know, that weird squelching that assaults both ears and eyes – the clunking gait reminiscent of how ‘90s Goths looked in their old school Doc Martens, but without the faint sound of Marilyn Manson’s “The Beautiful People” peeking out of over-the-ear headphones connected to a black Sony Discman in the back pocket, its wires tangled with a chain wallet.  These weren’t that offensive on the Ugg-scale – pretty much your standard mid-calf tan number that we’ve seen everywhere since 2002.  Still, it was equal parts amusing and disturbing to see that The Britney Spears School of Looking Like a Scrub While Being Fabulously Wealthy continues to attract disciples in 2008. 

Because here’s the dirty secret of Uggs:  they look absurd.  Sorry, but they do.  And you know what, I’m no longer afraid to say so.  Seeing this girl in Uggs at the airport made something in me snap.  I try to look as put-together as a I can when I’m travelling (probably a subconscious finger-cross for that elusive Business Class upgrade), and especially when I’m traversing borders/going through immigration.  Not that I’ve got anything to hide, but I would just rather not unintentionally provoke some disgruntled border control agent with an axe to grind, if I can help it.  So while I’m there worried about whether or not I look enough like my passport picture because I’m wearing my glasses instead of my contact lenses, I’ve got a Real Housewife of Orange County ahead of me in Uggs making me look stupid by proximity.

So that’s why I feel compelled to say:  Ladies, you’ve brow-beaten the men in your lives long enough – I will not go through another winter pretending that Uggs are an acceptable form of fashion. 

In defense of my own sense of decency, and for all the men out there who have been afraid to say something until now, I’m offering some retorts to the classic arguments for Uggs: 

“Surfers in Australia wear Uggs.” 

False.  Surfers in Australia have sex with chicks.  They don’t wear chick shoes. 

“It doesn’t matter how they look, they’re just really comfortable.”

Well, hell, I’d love to walk around in my old Tevas, but it’s not 1992, sweetheart. 

“Women dress for other women – it doesn’t matter what you think.”

Apparently.  Because no guy finds the velour-Juicy-Couture-jumpsuit-tucked-into-calf-high-Uggs thing attractive.  Trust me. 

Anyway, so back in the airport, this girl is continuing her encumbered slide towards immigration, and I’m shaking my head with a sarcastic “There’s no place like home” thought, chalking this up to yet another way that Americans embarrass themselves (and me) no matter where they go.  But then, out of nowhere, my world is rocked.  Instead of peeling off left with me towards the American line, Jessica Simpson continues on straight to the Foreign Nationals mayhem.  And then I see in her hand the unmistakable crimson of a United Kingdom passport…and I become momentarily overcome with glee.  Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the British while living among them, it’s that while they may sound a hell of a lot smarter than us…deep down they’re really just as ridiculous as we are.  (Exhibits A-F:  Haggis, Crumpets, Mel B, Mel C, Ascots, This Girl.) 

Not as ridiculous as Uggs, though.

2008 has been a fantastic year for skanks, whores, strippers, bimbos and pretty much anybody who exposed their birth canal in public. Through my extensive scientific research of extreme television watching mixed with large quantities of alcohol, I have come to this groundbreaking hypothesis. I know. It was a labor of love, really.

It’s a fact: Everyone loves a skank these days. Once upon a time the trashy girl was vilified and scorned, and was typically banished to the student parking lot to smoke cigarettes against someone’s Mustang between doling out blow jobs. But not anymore. Slut is like the new black. Its fashionable, acceptable and being sold in a mall near you. I believe the trend all started with celebrities such as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian making the good girl gone bad so fashionable. One would expect a rich girl brought up in a decent home to behave, but it is so riveting to watch them when they don’t. Of course the upper class are the WORST, sickest deviants of them all, but they usually have enough sense to cover up their behavior or pay for it to go away. These women have demonstrated that the only way to the head of the class is to do naked cartwheels on your way there. So when the average American dipshit sees that being promiscuous, acting foolish and dressing provocatively results in massive attention and public interest, it all makes sense. Please review just some of the shows from this past year that clarifies this point :

Rock of Love
Charm School
Real Chance at Love
I Love Money

Paris Hilton’s New BFF
A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
NEXT
Bad Girls Club
Real Housewives of …
Millionaire Matchmaker
ANY MTV Real World

Momma’s Boys
The Bachelor (some of the girls)
Anything with Adriane Curry in it

I’m hoping that this lasts only a little while longer and that in 2009 we have a cultural backlash where people start acting like normal human beings again and start wearing shoes without Lucite heels. I’m also hoping that I get to see Metallica in concert, that there will be another season of “The Two Coreys”, Barack Obama does a duet with Bono, and that some things get solved on “Lost.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

farewell forever, sparks tounge D: new york nightlife will never be the same again without you.

 I mean, whatevs, it’ll still be around, but without caffiene!? Guys, we have until Jan 10 before they shut down production, so drink up!

HEY! Are you a lazy prick who gets confused and angry when trying to find your hands beneath that annoying blanket that’s keeping you warm? Do you want to look like a monk from Opus Dei and hide your leg chalice while you watch “Deal or No Deal?”  Do you feel so disconnected from normal society that you would actually consider wearing a backwards robe to a sporting event?
Yes, you say? I thought so. Well, in that case this “special” blanket is for you. I’m simply calling it “The Douchewrapper” although it is popularly known by another, more marketable name. It’s awkward, ugly, stupid and unnecessary just like the people who buy it.
Before you impulsively squander $20 dollars, I’d like to remind you that times are tough. We need to get through these financially tough times with a little dignity. That’s right- Dignity. America is in an integrity recession and we need to get out. I’m not ok with being poor AND ridiculous, so can we get it together and start making wiser, classier life decisions? If this ship is going down, then I plan to be like the violinists on the Titanic. Class acts until the bitter, icy cold end. They got thrown around and knocked over, but they kept playing and they didn’t even cry. At least that’s what it looked like in the movie. I want to be that guy. 
So PLEASE-save your money AND your goddamned dignity people…it is so very precious these days. Consider putting on an extra sweater if you are cold. 
However, if you can’t resist the urge to be a tool, then you should consider these feet gloves for optimum asshole potential.

http://play.sockandawe.com/

I’ve got my christmas vacay all planned out now…

From Lawrence (The Big Deal):

My friend’s friend visited President Bush last night. Wanting his autograph, he pulled out the most recent photo he had of the 43rd President, the cover of the New York Post where Bush is getting a shoe lobbed at him by an Iraqi journalist at a press conference. Bush actually signed it, showing he has a sense of humor about an incident which was originally intended as an insult.

Last week was Jim Morrison’s birthday, in which he would have turned 65 had he not pretended to die in a bathtub in Paris. Yes, I believe he is still alive somewhere since the facts surrounding his so called “death” just sound like utter bullshit, so I say they are. I do feel sorta bad for the people who have danced and cried on his “grave” for the last 40 years. Fucking moron hippies!!! What a waste of candle wax and Sharpie ink.

OK, for the purposes of this post, let’s just say he’s really dead. Can you imagine a 65 year old Jim Morrison? I picture him looking like a striking mix between The Dude and Walter Sobchak in “The Big Lebowski”- generally an overweight pompous asshole that walks around in a robe or a 40 year old Peter Frampton concert T-shirt that he never washes. I also envision him on Celebrity Rehab as Gary Busey’s roommate where they philosophize together and he tries to seduce Nikki McKibbin. Cuz she likes to wear Gothic jewelry, so she must be witchy, the best kind of gal there is.

Jim Morrison was one of the first Rock Gods- he had great looks, a good voice and a F-You attitude that made him seem dangerous and unpredictable. Unfortunately, he also was one of the first rock stars that let his public persona override his actual talent. He was talented, but he was more provocative and good looking than talented, which basically makes him like Pete Wentz.  Pissing on stage, referencing Oedipal inclinations in songs, talking about being possessed by dead Indians, exposing his peener to thousands of fans….sounds pretty formulaic these days, right? I’m pretty sure he invented it. Anyway, its sad that he is no longer here, and that he “died” before he even hit 30. On the other hand, its probably better for all of us considering he would most likely be doing something degrading like giving a course at the Annex school on songwriting, or playing Val Kilmer in the “Val Kilmer Story.”

Confession: I had a fuzzy black velvet poster with a fluorescent background of Jim Morrison above my bed for most of my teenage life. Sorry, but true. Thank God I was a kid in the 80’s and 90’s…there would have been a Tokio Hotel poster there if I was born later.

Dear Spangler,

Please bring back root beer. Either I’ve received an entire bag filled without any your most delicious flavor, or you’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake. And where has cherry gone??? The new cherry soda flavor is killer, but not as sexy-looking. Also, your old mystery flavor (cream soda?) was so choice. Blue raspberry is not even a mystery. You can see it through the wrapper. It’s depressing.

Currently enjoying the mango flavor,

Ellen

P.S. Buttered popcorn? EW. Are you and Jelly Belly conspiring against America’s tastebuds? Yikes. Not cool.

A fascinating history of the dum-dum pop:

1924 Dum Dum Pops® were invented in 1924.
1953 Dum Dum Pops were purchased by Spangler Candy in 1953. There were 7 original flavors: lemon, lime, orange, coconut-pineapple, cherry, grape, and butterscotch.
1953 8th flavor was added - root beer.
1954 9th flavor was added - strawberry.
1955 10th flavor was added - chocolate.
1960 Chocolate was dropped and banana was added.
1961 Root beer was dropped and raspberry was added.
1966 Chocolate was added and banana dropped.
1966 The flavor mix was: lemon, coconut-pineapple, butterscotch, lime, strawberry, grape, chocolate, orange, cherry, and raspberry.
1968 Black cherry, cream soda, and root beer added and raspberry was dropped.
1970 Coconut-pineapple was dropped and pineapple was added. Black cherry was dropped.
1975 Chocolate was dropped and raspberry was added.
1982 Raspberry was dropped and watermelon added.
1987 Peach was added.
1991 Lime was dropped and Sour Apple added.
1995 Raspberry was dropped and Blu raspberry was added.
2000 In October 2000 Lemon, Orange, and Sour Apple was dropped and Orange Cream, Fruit Punch, and Buttered Popcorn was added.
2001 The flavor mix is: Blu Raspberry, Butterscotch, Cherry, Cream Soda, Grape, Peach, Root Beer, Strawberry, Watermelon, Buttered Popcorn, Fruit Punch, Orange Cream, and the Mystery flavor.
2001 In June 2001 Buttered Popcorn is sent “on vacation” and Sour Apple returns by popular demand. Buttered Popcorn single-flavor boxes (and the other flavors also) are available on our web site. 
2002 In October 2002 Chocolate, Bubble Gum, and Cotton Candy are added to the assortment. Orange Cream, Fruit Punch, and Peach will go on vacation. Consumers may not see the new flavors in the bags for a few months. 
2005 In October 2005 Dum Dum Pops expand to 16 flavors! We have added new flavors Cherry Cola and Pink Lemonade! We have also brought back for our 100th anniversary some flavors from our long history. We have added Coconut-Pineapple (first introduced in 1953) and Banana (first introduced in 1960). 
2008 In February 2008 the Dum Dum Pops assortment changes! We have added new flavors Mango and Tangerine! We have also added Ashlynn Coconut - the flavor chosen by our Pop Star 2007 Grand Prize Winner Ashlynn from N. Carolina.  Chocolate, along with our 100th anniversary flavors Banana and Coconut-Pineapple will retire from the assortment. 

OK. The other night I saw a commercial on VH1 for an upcoming show featuring all these washed up male teeny boppers, and I basically exploded into TigerBeat confetti. I’m convinced that someone at VH1 reads my dream journal. “Confessions of a Teen Idol” shows a bunch of old teen idols (and I use that term LOOSELY) trying to get a second chance at fame, which was actually developed by Scott Baio, who clearly knows a thing or two about clawing his way out of obscurity purgatory. 

Side note regarding Scott Baio: “Charles in Charge” was the most ridiculous show EVER. What assholes would hire a 20 year old walking erection to take care of their hot 16 year old daughter and 2 other less attractive kids???? What did Charles actually bring to the table in terms of childcare experience, except for keeping his retarded friend Buddy from running into oncoming traffic? Nicole Egert as pretty young thing + Chachi as babysitter = that back room in the video store you were always trying to peek into. And you know you tried.
All things considered, the cast for this new show is not as amazing as I would have hoped. It includes Hobie from Baywatch (who I thought died from a meth overdose, which maybe he did, but he’s back on this show anyway), Adrian Zmed from TJ Hooker and Grease 2 (making him the most awesome 42 year old T-Bird in Rydell High history), Jamie Walters from 90210 (who also sang that ass breath song “How Do You Talk to an Angel?”) and my personal favorite, Eric Nies of the original Real World and MTV’s The Grind.
I once met Eric Nies because I had a friend that danced on The Grind (please! not a good friend!!!!!) who invited him to a party. He was an incredible douche. SURE, Eric….you are just SO cool because you graced a high school party in northern New Jersey with your presence, even though you are about 5 years older than the oldest kid there and act totally annoyed when people look at you, primarily because you are the only dick wearing a glow stick at a house party. Everyone knows wearing chemiluminescent jewlery is a SUPER way to go unnoticed.
Anyway, I am eager to see him and the rest of the cast try to get their lives back in order, upgrade their ugly girlfriends and wives for hotter ones, and put a little cash in their pockets. Personally, I would have preferred seeing Billy Zabka, the singer from Kajagoogoo, both the kids from Kriss Kross, Zack Morris, a Hanson or two, the baby from Pet Semetary and Hardy Jenns…but I’ll be there anyway. TRUST.  I’ll be there.