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I am so going to hell.

Boingboing had a post today about a fish with see-through brains and crazy green eyes. Did you hear that? brains? visible to the naked eye? Also, he is maybe the cutest fish of all time.  So, out of love, great respect, and a leetle bit of free time, I went ahead and bedazzled the shit out of him. Behold! Feeeeesh!

Check him out here.

Happy Ash Wednesday, all you fellow catholics and/or godless heathens out there!

I work in Downtown Manhattan and boy, was I accosted by a slew of ashy foreheads on my lunch travels.

As most of us know, Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent. We celebrate 46 days of suffering (caffeine withdrawl, lack of smokes, abstinence, sans chocolat, etc.) before Easter to emulate Christ’s suffering. We have to come up with something to repent and “give up.” (Note: not the same as the aptly named bad ass album by The Postal Service.) It’s great and weird to feel like giving up some aptly suited creature comfort makes us “Christlike”…but I digress.

Here are some things I intend to give up:

1. Online shopping.

2. All reality television except “American Idol.” It’s time for me to let go.

3. Blaming Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles

4. Jagerbombs

5. Downloading itunes when I’m drunk…Valentine’s Day purchases as follows:

NKOTB:

My Favorite Girl

Cover Girl

I’ll be loving you (forever)

Please don’t go girl

Step by Step

You’ve Got It (The Right Stuff)

Misc: 

Air and Simple Gifts (the Yo-Yo Ma piece played at the Obama innaug!)

Lady Gaga album

Adele album (I am not ashamed of this one, but still….)

What are we all planning to give up? Friends? Romans? Countrymen?

 ”Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

This is me screaming:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHATTHEFUUUUUUUUUCKCKCKKCK??!?!?!?!?

No, you’re not having a PCP induced nightmare.This really is Val Kilmer at Mardi Gras today on some float. I can’t take it. The Blue Blockers. The double chin. The silver pleather boots. The dainty silk bloomers over his white tights. I SAID VAL KILMER IS WEARING WHITE TIGHTS. I wonder if they are control top or sandal toe…Lets all take a moment to visualize him putting on his hosiery. Let it sink right the fuck in.

Sorry, here it comes again: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.AHHHHHHH.ah.a.

I need to go watch “Real Genius and remind myself how hot this dude used to be. IMMEDIATELY.

First, just a little reminder since it’s been a while:

Tobias Fünke: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.

— 

Tobias Fünke: Dont leave your uncle teabag hanging.
George Michael Bluth: Dont call it that.

—

 Gob: If I didn’t have a live dove in my pants right now, I’d leap across the table and…
[he unzips his pants]
Gob: Ah, what the hell…
Michael: I think that’s just as good of a time as any to end the meeting.

—

Lucille Bluth: Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?
Gob: She’s not “*that* Mexican,” Mom, she’s “*my* Mexican.” And she’s Colombian or something.

—

Lindsay Funke: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay Funke: That’s funny, ’cause I was gonna say “You might wanna lean away from that fire since you’re soaked in alcohol.”
Lucille: Mine was better.
ANYWAY. Arrested Development, the movie, is officially happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, Bestweekever.tv posted this chalk drawing. Almost as mindblowing. Click to enlarge.

First of all, how great is that title? I came up with it like 2 seconds ago.

You know what’s so fucking ironic about awards shows? That the people who are praised for their amazing performances in movies actually put on the most transparent, fakest acts when being nominated or winning an award. Really, Kate Winslet? You still really can’t believe you won “Best Actress”? I mean, that’s all anyone has talked about for the last 6 months. I’m sure that’s all your friends and hairdressers and agents and publicists and colon cleaners have been saying to you from dawn till dusk every goddamned minute of your life this year. So, PuLEEEZE save the phony hyperventilating and pseudo squeals of delight for your bedroom. By the looks of your husband, you will need to keep THAT act up for years.

By the way. Admitting that you used to “pretend” to accept an Academy award with a shampoo bottle, while congratulating yourself in a mirror as a child isn’t cute or endearing or prophetic. Its psycho. It just proves how self involved and egocentric you truly are and always have been. A normal kid doesn’t gloat all over themselves and thank the Hollywood Foreign Press in their plastic vanity set. A normal kid pretends to be married to a 1983 black Michael Jackson (wearing a yellow sweater vest with a pearl brooch attached to it), eats fruit roll ups that are tightly wrapped around their index finger, has a substantial Pound Puppy collection and thinks getting to stay up late to watch “Dallas” with their parents is the greatest night on earth.

Honestly, outside of about 15 semi-interesting minutes, thte show is basically boring. The build up to it was unbearable (“Tonight on ET..watch them roll out the red carpet, we get to pick out earrings with Marisa Tomei and word just in that Meryl Streep just got her bikini waxed- not a full Brazilian, but close!!”) And the post show dramatics and interviews will be just as annoying, plan to hear about it for another 5-10 business days.

The best thing for me is usually Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt putting on their Royal King and Queen ‘tude. They are starting to remind me of  modern day King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. That makes Jennifer Aniston Katharine of Aragon and John Mayer a horse turd stuck in a cobblestone.

So, I think this means awards season is done…now all these fame addicts will have to hit up The Ivy or Pastis to get some tender loving attention. Til next year!!
 

I just want to kick off the weekend with 2 of the most ridiculous commercials for ice cream I have ever seen.

This first one is an actual McDonald’s ad.

 click the pic!

Um, what the hell is this woman doing?? Is she looking in a mirror? Seducing Ronald McDonald? Goofing around with her kid? Its unclear. What is clear is that she makes me VERY uncomfortable. I will never eat a chocolate dipped cone ever again.

HOWS about this one? 

 click the pic!

Yes, I know. The Asian community has taken large strides in breast augmentation in the last decade. WOWZERS!!

Happy Friday!

Last night my good buddy Brian invited me to go see Doug Benson + friends perform at UCB. The premise of the show? Benson invites five friends to do stand up and then sits in the crowd and heckles them mercilessly and stoned-edly as they perform. Brilliant. I forgot to take pictures, but i’m sure you’ll see them on Brian’s site in maybe a year or two…

Since the last time I went to UCB (albeit a few years ago) the line up in the tiny theater included Amy Poheler, Horatio Sans, and Kenneth from 30 rock before he was Kenneth from 30 Rock… Though he was the same character as Kenneth from 30 Rock… and also since Doug Benson doesn’t even have to say anything to make me laugh -  when I look at him all I see is his impression of Jennifer Aniston (watch his comedy central 1/2 hour special), and that throws me over the edge every time, there was nothing that could keep me from attending this show.

And Doug’s guests last night?

Anthony Jeselnik

Wayne Federman

Pete Holmes

Rob Cantrell

…

AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS!!!!

Zach has been my favorite comedian since the Onion christmas party of 2006, when I met him in the green room after his show, and he proceeded to be just as hilarious as he had been on stage. He is like the Andy Kaufman of our era. My three favorite highlights of the show, all Galifianakis:

Zach crumples his jokes list (a blank piece of paper) and hurles it as hard as he can smack into the face of a particularly douchey hipster who has been wearing dark sunglasses in the dark theater the whole night, who flinches in shock, then Zach yells victoriously, “I tricked him! he’s not really blind! Hahaha!”

Without smiling or missing a beat: “Have you guys seen Zach and Cody Make a Porno?”

And his opening:

“Hey, Joaquin Pheonix: Zach Galifianakis called and he wants his Zach Galifianakis back.”

In case you were wondering:

Zach

Joaquin

The year was 1999 and thanks to South Park, making fun of Canadians was a popular past time of my male middle school peers (I know, I’m a youngin’). They had gone through a similar, albeit shorter phase about a year earlier when Celine Dion’s theme for ‘Titanic’ dominated the airwaves. Nobody knew any Canucks personally, so jeers were openly directed and usually in the form of T-shirts with slogans such as ‘Canada: America’s Hat.’ It was all harmless joking, but one day I felt the need to stand up for our friends up north. “You guys do realize that half your favourite comedians and actors are from there. So are Propagandhi, Sum 41, and Skinny Puppy. Oh, and I think Pamela Anderson as well.” To a bunch of teen boys in the late ’90s, this was absolute blasphemy. Which could only mean I was spreading lies and had to be ‘one of them’ myself. All the clues were there: I was suprisingly polite considering my age, I always spelt words the British way (and still do, as you may have noticed), and I talked in a slower manner without a hint of the typical Philly suburb accent my friends all had.

Living in Australia, I get asked if I’m Canadian almost every day because ten years later I still fit the profile. Other Americans I know become offended by this, but I don’t care. After all, we always confuse New Zealanders and Australians. Sometimes I go along with it because to my delight, over here Canadians are equally cool as Americans. It’s about time they got their due somewhere.

We’ve already discussed the awesomeness of ‘Degrassi’ and ‘Kids in the Hall,’ but what are some of your other favourite people/bands/shows/things/mounties/etc out of Canada? I nominate:

Taylor Kitsch

I’ll admit that when I found out he was playing Gambit (my #1 mutant) in the new Wolverine movie, I let out a fangirly scream of glee. Come on ladies, even if you hate comic book action films and your boyfriend drags you to see it, you most certainly won’t mind looking at this face on the screen.

Dipsetmutha(shutyomouf)

Well, that obviously isn’t his real Youtube name, but I didn’t want to curse on here (See? There I go being all Canadian and polite again) so click on the bad screencap above for the link.  Basically, this guy made a video of himself dancing in a public place around Ontario for every day of last year. He has some crazy smooth moves in addition to an excellent choice of tunes to groove to. If I don’t end up marrying him myself, I’m most certainly inviting him to come bust a move at my wedding.

Favourite product of the Maple Leaf country, tawk amongst yerselves.

“LOST” used to be my favorite show. I would make nachos to watch it, and I haven’t done that since the original “Paradise Hotel” aired in 2002. So, yes. It was THAT good.
I love a good mystery or a crazy conspiracy theory twist, so when “LOST” started off as a plane crashing onto a remote island with survivors experiencing all this super bizarre stuff, I immediately got the salsa out.
In the last season or two, it has kinda spiraled out of control, and the writers know it. So now when the characters get in a situation that is either stupid, boring, dead end or confusing- they just make this huge bright light thing happen and they get tossed back in time. At first I felt really angry about what a moronic cop out that was, until I realized how great it would be if a huge white light blasted overhead and zapped me back/forwards in time every time I couldn’t stand my present situation.

SCENE- PRESENT DAY:
I’m trying to buy paper towels, Valentine’s Day peeps and “Lucky Magazine” at CVS. The moron bitch in front of me is paying for her cigarettes and stool softener in change. Just as I’m about to make some aggressive statements that one shouldn’t say on line in CVS ..ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WHITE LIGHT

I’m sitting on the carpet in my 5th grade class while my teacher reads to us from some O.Henry book and asks me a question. I don’t know the answer because I was too busy staring at the kid’s ass crack peeking out of his corduroy pants the entire time…ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WHITE LIGHT

I’m a sophomore in High School and just spent the evening drinking margaritas on Bleecker Street for my friend’s sixteenth birthday. Her PARENTS drive us home, and of course I’m sitting shotgun. Just as I’m about to boot all over her mother and the car..ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

WHITE LIGHT

It’s Reggae Bash at college…..ahhhhhhhhhhhh

WHITE LIGHT

I’m back to 2009, but can’t figure out a way to end this post…ahhhhhhhhhhhh

WHITE LIGHT