I honestly don’t know what was worse for me this weekend: finding out my soul mate Dorothy Zbornak went to the big mah johng table in the sky or watching 20 of the biggest dickweeds on earth try to woo human penicillin tablet Daisy on “Daisy of Love”.

First of all- I STILL am mystified as to where VH1 finds all these moronic, bizarre people for their shows. They must have casting agents prowling every airport strip club, underground Midwestern fight club, free health clinic, backyard meth lab trailer and outpatient mental facility throughout our esteemed country. I would be afraid to have that casting job.  I would need to wear a beekeeper outfit and have one of those animal control prods. And consume 2-4 Adios Motherfucker shots.
Anyway, Daisy is the broken hearted castoff of Bret Michaels. She actually looked genuinely hurt when she was rejected by a 50 year old with a polyester/rayon weave, which means her standards are incredibly, painfully low. Enter a parade of eyelinered, faux hawked, face tatted, pleather panted, fame whoring douchebags vying for her love and/or big fake jugs, eyelashes, hair, lips.
I like Daisy because she is a bona fide retard and plays it up really well. She also hones in on the one semi decent guy named “Fox” who looks like Johnny Depp’s slightly unbalanced Guatemalan cousin.

 I also fully supported her decision to throw out the Swedish triplets, who I initially thought I was going to totally love until they ate uncooked hot dogs dipped in salsa. I mean is too much to ask that people NOT have vomit residue, raw hot dog chunks and bile juice in their mouths when you try to make out with a whore? GODDAMN!
Needless to say, my TiVo will be working double time for the next few months seeing that “Daisy of Love” is on the same time as “The Tudors”. Really.
 

So..I wonder what the groovy graphic artist who came up with this logo for the 1973 design for the Catholic Church’s Archdiocesan Youth Commission was trying to say here. This is real. And kinda awesome.

Carry on.

I was in Amsterdam this past weekend celebrating Earth Day and came across this little gem…I really wish I had gotten the nerve to go in and buy it for my friend Chloe— but I was scared of all the gnome phalluses in the window and second guessed myself.

(Note: Dutch people love Gnome lawn ornaments equipped with huge hard ons. Why, God, why?)

Back to Black Jack. Let’s just ruminate on this delightful item. An inflatable blow up doll with a huge onyx colored strap on. Life sized. With a picture of skeezy looking guy with sporadic chest hair.

“You had better watch out/ Cos Jack plays hard!”

Yay, Holland. I love Golddddddd.

Happy 4-20.

So, the big earth shattering news is that a little lady named Susan Boyle blew the socks off the entire universe by singing “I Dreamed a Dream” on the show “Britain’s Got Talent.” I guess you could say that the clincher to the story is that Susan looks like my uncle Alvin after a 3 day schlivovitz bender and a windstorm that ruined his comb-over.
The message is sad, but clear: People just can’t believe it when beautiful things come from ugly people and think its fucking amazing when someone can ACTUALLY be impressive without being good looking. This is why the world is overrun with bland, talentless, big titted morons like Jessica Simpson and everybody falls off their seats when a big pie faced mustachioed virgin sings like 1000 nightingales at the gates of heaven.
Alls I know is this. Before you can come up with a show called “So You Think You Can Tweeze?” our precious dumpling named Susan Boyle will have a spunky new ‘do, a dermatologist approved face and all the weed whacking money can buy.
Remember Paul Potts from this show a while back? He used to look like the kid who liked to hug and wouldn’t let go and now he reminds me of Ben Affleck or something.

Ok, then Satan. See you soon.

Check out Rupert Everett’s new face!!!! He doesnt even remotely resemble his old self- its insane!! Apparently he went into his plastic surgeon’s office and asked to be sculpted into a Kevin Kline-Pierce Bronson hybrid with a dash of Liberace.

Every good queen knows that posing with 85 year old relics takes at least another 10 years off your face! Good one, dear sir. Or should I say, lad.

Headline Reads: “Hairdresser Turns Robber Into Sex Slave”

Imagine poor Viktor’s surprise when he attempted to rob a hair salon and got taken down by the hot owner Olga, tied up with a hairdryer, locked in a utility room and raped for 3 days. He managed to eventually escape with an injured penis, a new pair of jeans and $30. Not too shabby if you ask me.

I always wondered how “exactly” a woman rapes a man. The article says she kept feeding him Viagra, which I guess is half the battle, but I still think its kind of weird. Oh, well.

ps. I am mentally casting the film for the Cinemax version of this story. I think Josh Holloway from LOST will make a convincing Viktor.

pps. Yes, of course I read Russia Today! Where do you think all the pervy action is?

Its a boring, rainy Saturday which means I just spent a significant amount of time trolling this hilarious site called passiveaggressivenotes.com

I’m a notorious aggressor, confronter and sometimes bi-atch. Which is why I particularly love this note someone left in the dorm showers:

Amen, brother!!

I wanted to share something with you all… a website that made me smile. It’s heartwarming.

Why are boners hilarious?

“The 40 yr old Virgin” opening scene is great.

The wood in “Anchorman”? Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

The first time you give your man blue balls? Priceless.

Thanks to several compassionate friends who all sent me this picture, knowing that the mere sight of it would break my poor, tortured heart.

Upon first glance, I thought this was a still from “The Island of Dr. Moreau 2″ with Billy as Dr. M and Tila Tequila as the tiny, scary mutant sidekick. You can see how I got confused, right?

Honestly, that movie scares the hell out of me. Was it a overly powdered, bloated Brando looking like a zeppole wearing a caftan? Or the crazy half human creatures that went freakin’ nuts in some insane mutiny on the Brando? Maybe it was David Thewlis that was the scariest part…No. It was definitely Fairuza Balk playing some weird female creature which she somehow reprises in every role she ever has.

I digress. BILLY!! Stop it now!! I was convinced that your genitals have been polluted since your Courtney Love encounters, but now you gone and put the cherry scab on top of it all. So thanks. All those memories I had made of us together are now ruined.

The phrase ‘Vegas wedding’ always makes me think of that Fresh Prince of Bel Air episode where Will and his girlfriend almost have a Shaft themed nuptial.  I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of my wedding day, but that seemed like a super awesome plan to me.  Not so much the Vegas part, but having a lame impersonator preside over your ceremony.  Obviously I’ve matured and realized the tackiness of that idea would override the hilarity.  But then I stumbled upon this gem.

With that fog machine he could also pass for Criss Angel, be still my heart!  Check out the video of him singing, and if you’re lucky you might catch the live stream of someone’s wedding.  Who doesn’t want their special day witnessed by the old lady who hangs out in Vegas chapels when her lucky slot machine is broken and some bored guy eating a Hot Pocket while watching online?  I personally enjoy the fact that instead of saying “I do,” the couples get to yell “Hell Yeah!”

My other favourite is the ‘When Vampires Fly’ themed wedding, mostly because of this picture:

My parents are reading this and either cracking up or having heart attacks now.  Don’t worry, I’d never elope to Vegas and do something like this.  At my (seemingly very distant in the future) wedding, it will be a normal officiant and all that.  It’s the guy I’ll marry who will be the one dressed like Alice Cooper/Criss Angel. MINDFREAAAAK!