I guess I don’t have to tell you that I choked on my diet coke this morning when I read that “Heathers” was going to be made into a—-wait for it—- TV show!! Anyone over the age of 25 can punch the person sitting next to them now.
Obviously Hollywood has been trying to rehash and “modernize” some 80’s and early 90’s classics. These movies do not translate into modern teenage American society, sorry. Remakes like “Footloose” seem ridiculous now, but for some reason made total sense 25 years ago.(Sorry Chase Crawford, you are too pretty and borderline gay to pull off angsty dance-aholic  Ren McCormack. It’ll just look like a total coming out of the closet movie. Who is slated to play the rhythm impaired Chris Penn sidekick? One of those fat Zack and Codys? Ninja, PLEASE!!) You just can’t mess with the classics. YOU JUST CAN’T!!!!
This brings me to “Heathers”, the crown jewel of late 80’s teenage social politics movie. Basically, it’s about Veronica, a girl trying to fit in with a bunch of shoulder padded, shallow bitches who rule the school. Enter JD, (prime Christian Slater and my imaginary boyfriend for about 7 weeks in 1988) a badass lunatic who thinks killing the popular crowd is the best revenge. Soon they realize that in death these kids become even more loved and popular then they were in life (see: Michael Jackson). This is where I start to confuse this movie with “Pump Up the Volume.” Sorry.
Needless to say, I think that “Heathers” which spoofed bullying and suicide and blowing up your teenage enemies doesn’t exactly work in today’s climate when kids ACTUALLY do this kind of thing. When it originally came out, it was funny because it was a fantasy~a black comedy that made fun of teenagers’ insecurities and pent up anger. Something tells me the modern version will include lots of texting, MySpace harassment, Facebook hacking and possibly a CSI Miami storyline. Personally, I am against the whole idea. I don’t need another excuse to give Shannen Doherty a job (I anticipate her making an appearance as a guidance counselor) or to see some twink portray Christian Slater, probably the cutest deviant of my generation. I have an idea: if you want to make over an 80’s movie, how about Tootsie? Everyone loves a drag queen these days!!!
 

It must be the heat of that sweet sweltering summer sun, but it seems that all my conversations lately turn to relationships.  How to get em, how to keep em and how to avoid em.  So, it should have come as no shocker that on a recent night out a beloved old friend-o uttered the words “I was curious!”  About what?  The butt?  Niet.  Ashleymadison.com.  Some of you old swinging marrieds may be hip to this scene, but it was the first I’d heard of the site who’s slogan is “Affairs ‘R Us.”  Call me naïve, I always just assumed that if you wanted to cheat on your spouse your options were limited to slipping off the ring of bliss and slipping into a bar (or myspace).  Apparently not.  This site was set up for spouses who are looking for the nookie.  Who is stupid enough to do this!  Seriously, peeps, you’ve got to have the mental capacity of Forrest f-ing Gump not to realize that this is a trap set up by second rate private dicks.  Is this what the internet has devolved to?  Is this the lowest of the low?  Not quite…

It seems that after your spouse finds the chunky highlight, plastic shoe, red lipstick wearing trashionista of their dreams there’s a place for you too.  Sugardaddy.com – the site where the old and fat go to spend money on the young and loose moraled.  Sometimes it’s not even about the sex!  A friend of mine has used this site, met a lawyer, got free legal advice for life and didn’t even have to give it up!  Is this common?  Who knows, there’s some lonely, fat bastards out there and a steak dinner is only an email away!  (if you’re a gay, never fear, just pony up to seekingarrangements.com and get your arrangement sought)

Finally, when you find out your significant other has found another, where do you turn (that’s right they have one for that too) outofyourlife.com.  This is where they ask the age old question “you’re too good for him, are you too good for his jewelry?”  They even have an FAQ page with guidelines on “who owns the ring.”  Hell, with the all the sleaze at your fingertips is it any wonder it’s only a matter of time for roughly 1/3 of the couples in America?

So what do you think?  Interweb: relationship starter or killer OR just plain killer (period)?  Is this too deep for a Friday afternoon?  Discuss.

I just can’t say no to Arianna Huffington. I’ll be recapping Project Runway this year on the Huffington Post, but I’ll be sure to keep posting about dumb fashion here.

Hearing the news of John Hughes’ death last week put another nail in the proverbial coffin of my youth. First the King of Pop, now the King of the 80’s teen flick. Someone PLEASE put a red alert on Sebastian Bach, Bill Cosby, Sylvester Stallone, every Taylor from Duran Duran and Limahl from Kajagoogoo. I just can’t take another blow.

While all the Hughes movies were in heavy rotation this week, it occurred to me that no one ever seemed to give much consideration as to what happened to these characters AFTER the last, momentous, tear jerking, happily ever after kiss.

Sixteen Candles:

The legendary ending of this movie scarred me for life, giving me hope that a boy like Jake Ryan even existed, moreover that he would be leaning against his red Porsche waiting outside to see ME. So fine. Jake abandons his shallow, hot girlfriend for Molly Ringwald. They sit on a dining room table and kiss over a birthday cake. Then what?
What probably happens is that Samantha’s insecurities, annoying friends, glaring inexperience and eye rolling exasperation drive Jake crazy within the first week of hanging out. He quickly realizes that her size AA cotton blend Fruit of the Loom bra somehow doesn’t really match up with what he is used to and decides to go back to Carolyn. Its like he was tired of eating steak and just wanted to nibble a PB & J sandwich just to realize that it wasn’t as good as he remembered. Sorry, Molly. Redheads and hot guys never really work out.

Weird Science:

This movie ends with the two geeks totally confident, unnerded and dating the high school hotties. What happens after is that Lisa meets Steven Segall and gains 80 pounds, the hot girls wake up and realize that they just slept with Sophomore geeks and take scalding hot showers and immediately transfer to Jewish Day school. Gary and Wyatt are much more popular than they were, but fall from grace after another computer experiment they attempt goes awry when they accidentally create Bobby Trendy.
Chet dies during boot camp for first Gulf War.

Pretty in Pink:

Again, this ends with poor Molly Ringwald being kissed by rich BLANE and we are supposed to believe they live happily ever after? What happens after this is quite simple: Blane realizes he is gay, moves to East Hampton where he starts a Seersucker empire and haberdashery. Steff gets killed by his cocaine dealer/sometimes girlfriend named “Green Eyes” who claimed to be Pablo Escobar’s first cousin on her mom’s side. Andie’s deadbeat dad accidentally invents the Snuggie as he walked around his house wearing his comforter as a robe and they become crazy rich and move to Beverly Hills where Andie makes jewelry out of Snapple caps and sells them to Kitson. I’m still not sure about Duckie. I think he goes to New York and becomes a day shift janitor at The Limelight.

Any takes on Ferris Bueller? Some Kind of Wonderful? Breakfast Club???? Please advise.

Project Runway Season 6 starts in eight days, y’all. I am really going to recap this year. Like, for really real. Like, by Friday afternoon real.

And Fafarazzi, which provides endless entertainment for me during each cycle of ANTM, has launched a PR Fantasy league. It is so on. Won’t you join me?