For me the biggest shocker of the past week is not that Mackenzie Phillips willingly had sex with her own father, but that she actually gets laid. And consequently fucked a famous person, who just happened to be her father.
Not only that, but she “allegedly” also had sex with Mick Jagger in the late 70’s after a drug induced tuna fish sandwich making episode (I’m not joking). Initial thoughts: What could be more disgusting than screwing an 88 lb acne scarred Shelly Duvall lookalike with tuna breath? I keep telling myself that Mick must have mistaken her for Ronnie Wood. This scenario makes sense at least.
Back to the incest. Drugs can obviously drive a man to do wrong, wrong, very wrong things. If the claims are true, then Papa John Phillips was a terribly messed up individual. I mean, if he was going to try to screw around with any of his kids, why not Chynna, the pretty one?

Drugs really DO fuck with your senses, people.

I admit, Mackenzie has a pretty intriguing story to tell. I personally find the genre of “1970’s B list TV actress with a history of drug abuse and sexual confusion compounded by a raging jealousy of Valerie Bertinelli” compelling. I will probably read every article on subject. Entertainment Tonight has already blown the dust off of every Bonnie Franklin interview from 1981, and even showed an excruciating segment of Eddie Van Halen and Valerie celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary while wearing matching head bands.
The truth is this-Mackenzie Phillips wrote a memoir no one would read outside of her AA sponsor and maybe Schneider from “One Day at a Time.” Revealing a major scandal involving a dead guy who can’t defend himself (or concur) is a genius maneuver in becoming relevant again. You gotta appreciate the spirit of a washed up fame whore. Someone who is not afraid to air dirty laundry at any expense, possibly make up some shit, maybe even ruin your family’s life (and in this case, your father’s musical legacy)in order to get some face time. So what if everyone thinks you are an immoral perverted skank deviant sicko? You got on Oprah!!

First of all watch this.  If you don’t you’ll only half appreciate anything written below. 

Now, far be it from me to get into a heated religious debate with Kirk Cameron.  This is not the forum. I will only say this is a classic Mike Seaver move - passing out erroneous text books to college kids to throw off the grading curve on the Biology midterm.  You can take the Kirk out of the Growing Pains, but you can’t take the Growing Pains out of the Kirk.  

Growing Pains was my favorite show as a kid.  Pure gold from the opening credits (song written by Alan Thicke!) where they showed REAL LIFE baby pictures of the cast and then you got to play the guessing game on which Seaver would stand in front of the camera the longest while the rest retreated into the house (almost always Jason - attention whore).  The house, where Jason had his practice, a psychiatry practice!  The waiting room was their living room.  That’s not weird at all, “I’ll be with you in a moment, have a seat, don’t mind Boner Stabone (best sitcom character name ever), he’s my son’s best friend, they’re getting ready to go camping, but don’t worry, we’ve absolutely forbade Mike from riding dirtbikes (btw, Mike totally rode the dirt bike).  While you’re waiting, please have a conversation with my anorexic daughter, Carol.  We kind of hate her.” 

I love that Mike Seaver was the antithesis of everything Kirk Cameron became - on the pilot episode he was picked up for stealing a car!  Amazing.  He also cheated on all his tests.  In college he set up a sweet love-pad set up over the Seaver garage where he brought back numerous ladies, but he even bagged ladies in high school, including a stewardess!  Sidenote: stewardesses, I never got this, when was the point that actual stewardesses starting looking like my mom’s friends or tragically pox-marked gays rather than the gleaming sexpots of the silver screen? I mean, you have to imagine that the stereo-type came from somewhere, right?

The decline of Growing Pains was really hard on me.  Chrissy being born was the first mini-shark jump, but even after that the show went on 5 more seasons.  Even with that obnoxious child.  In fact, my favorite episode ever was after Chrissy was born: the one where Mike and Ben go out for late night antics even though Ben has to do a report on Russia.  Ben finally completes his project on posterboard with souvenirs from the night including his principal’s cigar which he labels “potash.”  I laughed SO hard.  I didn’t know what potash was and it was still hilarious (I still didn’t know what potash was until I looked it up on Wikipedia a moment ago…).  

Jumping the shark, where was I …RIGHT!  Ok, so the most incredible thing about Growing Pains is that it’s the only show that Leonardo DiCaprio totally sank (Baz Luhrman’s Romeo+Juliet adaptation is debatable, but I firmly believe this one had larger problems)!  Leo came on the show as Luke, the homeless kid with a heart of gold Mike Seaver brought home after finding him in sleeping in the utility closet at work, and the show went down hill.  Well, that happened and Kirk Cameron became homeboys with Jesus, after which he refused to do any even remotely “adult-themed” antics on the show, which pretty much killed the character.  So there you go, my favorite show as a kid was killed by the Lord and Leonardo DiCaprio…and I’ve never been the same.

P.S. Kirk’s only big post-Pains role was in the Left Behind miniseries - a woman I worked with before I left college gave me the first one of these books as a going-away present.  Scared the sh*t out of me.

P.P.S. There is a Creation Museum not far from my house in which there is a display which shows man and dinosaurs existing AT THE SAME TIME.

I’ve tried to hate Beyonce.  I’ve tried for years.  I’ve even sat down and done the math, it’s like a popserious word problem on the S.A.T.s.  First of all take the fact that her mom makes her hideous Destiny’s Child clothes (-1).  Add the fact that she left her group to go onto a solo career (-2 for semi-traitoring, although, I do get this – it’s nothing new, so let’s make it -1).  Then there was the Crazy in Love video (+1, damn just the first walk towards the camera had me hooked).  Her relationship with Jay-Z, the secret wedding, the “who the f* are you to think you need to know my business” attitude (+2 – one for the man, one for the ‘tude).  The fact that she inspired one of my greatest karaoke moments with Jumpin’ Jumpin’ (+1). Dreamgirls (-1, this was J.Huds movie, B).  Austin Powers: Goldmember (-3).  Her butt (+1, I’m so jealous).  The year she sang every song at the Oscars (-1 - overkill).  I’m at roughly a -2 on the hate side of the love/hate beyonce scale, until this past Sunday night.  VMAs.   

We all know the deal by now, the event tries to be edgy (way to go, Green Day, inviting every d-bag in Radio City on stage), it’s often ill produced.  Russell Brand was this year’s host.  I’m still trying to figure out why this guy’s famous.  I kinda get it, I am sure I just haven’t seen the pure raunch hilarity of this guy, so I’m trying to keep an open mind here, unlike the MTV audience who didn’t even cheer when he hit the stage.  Russell, if you do, in fact, want to hit it big in the U.S. don’t limit yourself to the lame cracks on the MTV cue cards.  The joke about Katy Perry’s glory hole would have been so much better if you had explicitly recognized the fact that she was sporting camel toe for her entire 2 minutes on stage.  Controversy (usually scripted) ensues at the VMA event.  This year it was the unscripted we all heard about. 

Okay, this is not the topic of this posting, but it’s related, so let’s address the elephant in the room.  Kanye West is a dick.  Kanye West has anger management issues.  BUT (and that’s a big “but”) Kanye West can lay down some sick beats and Kanye West was right.  Should he have done it?  NO!  It was a dick move, immature and stupid and MEAN.  I love that little Taylor Swift, she’s cute and her songs are catchy as hell – and she did deserve a VMA.  But in the end, are we really comparing apples to apples, because Beyonce’s video, was ridiculous, as she reminded us with her performance.    

Which brings me to the main point of this post.  Those performances.  The men’s numbers…they were okay, but the LADIES!  Let’s talk about those ladies: 

• Taylor Swift – cute and young and fun and riding on a (moving?) subway to “You Belong with Me”.  Was that subway really moving?  I feel like there would’ve been a lot more jerky stops and panhandling if that was the case.  Also, big props for bolting up the station stairs in those heels and totally age appropriate, fun and flirty red dress. 

• Lady Gaga – you frighten me, I’m not going to lie.  The Eskimo scarf you wore at the end of the show was the icing on the cake of weird get ups.  I get it, she’s avant guard, I’m not retarded.  And it’s working for her, which is why I’m not even mad that she incorporated fake blood and wicked showmanship into her epic “Paparazzi” show.

• Pink – you’re another one that I loved, and then tried to hate, but the trapeze circus all while REALLY SINGING “Sober”…forget it.  This woman is clearly a brick sh*t house.  Seriously, that showing of strength made me want to go down to womanfest key west and find my own Pink lady-friend.   I literally at one point said, out loud, during this number “she’s sooooo strong.”

• Beyonce – finally we come to the lady I try to hard to dislike, but I just can’t.  I simply watched jaw-dropped as she gyrated to Single Ladies with a HOST of dancers.  The outfit, the hair, the body, I’m in complete envy and awe. Couple that with (staged, but none-the-less touching) giving up the stage to Taylor Swift to accept her award at the end of the night, and well done Mrs. Shawn Carter.   

End of the day, the Beyonce scale is at approximately a +10 on the love side.  I can’t help it, she’s a Survivor (oh, if ONLY she was in that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm).

Everyone get ready, because tonight the CW gives the world another reason to get blue balls over a teen vampire in its new series “The Vampire Diaries.” I’m sure there are hordes of 35 year old women right now rushing the Asti Spumanti section of their local liquor store in anticipation for the big event. (Hey ladies! I find that a nice Monkey Bay does the trick..its on sale at the local wine store and I just bought 3 bottles myse-) ehem.

Of course I am going to watch. Of course I read all 4 Twilight books and have a sad crush on Robert Pattison and sometimes wish I could buy a Tiger Beat magazine and tear out his centerfold and put it over my bed. I thought I was better than that, but I’m not. Totally no.

But the big question for me remains: What is the deal with the teenage vampire/ high school storyline? I comprendo that being a perpetually beautiful and virile 18 year old is ideal. YET. If I was an eternal teenager do you think I would waste my time going to Chemistry class or listening to a bunch of children plan a prom????? Hell to the NO! Sure, I would want to give it a whirl for like 2 weeks. Of course everyone would think I was a narc, being new and weird and all (everytime a kid came to my high school mid year, they were immediately considered a narc and needed to be avoided at all costs, I digress). I would shake things up a little, torture some snobs, flirt with some jocks, sit at the Korean Power table and not be afraid. But once I get a homework assignment or someone wanted me to “pay attention”,  I would be on a midnight train to NYC where I would become a fixture on the rave scene and prey on suburbanites doing drugs in the bathroom stalls of dance clubs. I’d be rich and live in the loft from “Big” and be a fashion and music muse and have a disturbing relationship with Billy Idol.

I dont know why all my fantasies take place in 1992.

ps. This cast blows and gives no noticable palpiations or tingles. Ian Somerhalder’s crosseyedness is going to drive me crazy and whoever casted the main dude needs to be fired. Can they quickly swap in Taylor Kitsch or something???