Surprise! Another trip to Chlamydiaville
Just in case you weren’t entirely sure that Winona Ryder is completely Ca-razy, she is now apparently dating Tom Oneball Nochin Notfunny Greene. He is annoying and ugly and Canadian and therefore probably uncircumsized, so NO NO NO and NOOOOOOO.
Lets face the cold, hard truth: Winona has clearly screwed every worthwhile man in the entertainment industry at large, and can only go down from there. And I mean WAY DOWN. Like, if her old boyfriends were mostly prime New York real estate, Tom Greene is a basement in the Hunts Point section of the Bronx.
Let’s also address the not so secret fact that in the last 20 years, her heehoo has seen a lot of action, and I mean A LOT. I think she should just name it Wembley, for the London area stadium that can hold about 100,000 people and had been the site of many, many, many enormous music festivals and sporting events. So if the 90’s adage of “you sleep with everyone your partner has slept with” is true, then Jimmy Fallon had sex with Johnny Depp, and Conor Oberst had sex with Chris Noth, and the kid from Rilo Kiley had sex with Adam Duritz, Beck, David Duchovny, Dave Pirner, Daniel Day Lewis AND Paul Westerburg. Tom Greene is having sex with all of them, and probably likes it, too.
Then again, it has been a while since Winona has been really relevant (outside of stealing clothes she probably already owned from Saks), and her star is slighting dimming mostly due to her own self destructive behavior. I mean, has anyone SEEN “Mr. Deeds”??? Was that some sort of dare, or act of rebellion or something? I don’t know, but Adam Sandler just makes we want to convert to Lutheranism and/or cut someone.
Look. Pretty girl with tons of cash + a string of 783 hot ex boyfriends and 422 not hot, but famous ex boyfriends= unbalanced, annoying egomaniac with a whiny voice and stinky feet. Prob/Stat 101.
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7 Responses to “Surprise! Another trip to Chlamydiaville”
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:54 am
“Like, if her old boyfriends were mostly prime New York real estate, Tom Greene is a basement in the Hunts Point section of the Bronx.”
That’s the quote of the week, if not year.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
Im not completely sure of the appeal, but literally every “relevant” girl in the 90’s dated dave pirner and adam duritz. which means both of their dreadlocks are contaminated with HPV (im guessing from aniston), parliament cigarettes and the song “stay” by lisa loeb running on loop.
Winona has been through so many guys its actually sad that none of them wanted to buy the cow. She should just hang up the ol’ meat curtains and resign herself to the line her character said in “Beetlejuice”…..”I am utterly alone”. Hey Wino - say that about 100 times and then go steal something.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:51 am
She’s my favorite unemployed waif. Lelaina Pierce? We have to at least applaud her performances in Reality Bites, Heathers and Beetlejuice; she used to define the era of combat boots and baby doll dresses; she had realistic virgin sex in “Mermaids”…Johnny Depp loved her once, but not forever….I kinda want her to bounce back and do something good again. But I also want her to eat a sandwich and stop fucking my favorite child actor, Blake Sennett of “Salute your Shorts” and my favorite hipster band Rilo Kiley. You know the one…he was on Salute your Shorts, she (Jenny Lewis, lead singer) of Troop Beverly Hills and The Wizard fame. They dated and had a nasty break up and write songs about how much they hate each other; it’s like to Fleetwood Mac of my generation!
Back to her Va Jay Jay:
Winona’s beef curtains are like tarred leathery jerky that you find in Ohio truck stops. Next to the books on tape, imitation Hummels, Combos, and Code Red Mountain Dew.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:22 am
“Conor Oberst had sex with Chris Noth…” That sounds like some scarringly awful slash fiction written by a fifteen year old girl in New Jersey. It’s also a thought I don’t want in my head. However, Conor Oberst and the guy from Rilo Kiley is a bit sexy…
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Tom has a humble nice guy personality, which is why he got chewed up and spit of out of Plasticwood. So in my opinion she traded up from smoking mex dirt weed to world class BC bud.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
“Look, I gotta go pee, but I’d really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.”
December 30th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
She is Spock’s MOTHER - have some respect
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