When I went to college there were special dorms and special floors for all different kinds of folks. For instance, we had a “clean living” floor somewhere for people who just said “NO” and really actually meant it. I never knew anyone who actually lived there, so perhaps it was a myth altogether. I mean, it is hard to believe that, how you say- this “clean” living arrangement actually existed. If it’s true, then I guess I lived in the dorm unofficially meant as “The Graffix Trophy Case/Quaalude headquarters Hall of Fame.” Good times.
There also was a dorm that had coed bathrooms which seriously is the most frightening thing I could EVER imagine. My personal hell is having to drop a deuce in front of mixed company. Seriously, I’m getting constipated just thinking about it, quite frankly. With that said, I’m equally mortified to learn that some schools actually allow coed DORM rooms, with The University of Chicago being the latest to fall victim to this horrendous abomination. This is obviously a retarded social experiment and only bad, bad, very bad things can come of it. Watch and learn:
Scenario 1:
This is where said male and female are initially attracted to each other. They start off flirty, coy and stay up all night talking. Soon (within 2 days) they push the old twins together and put on the reliable Enigma CD (work with me here, I’m projecting) and do the deed which measures a respectable 4.5 on the Regret Richter scale. Before you know it (2nd week of school), people are dropping hang over farts, leaving period underwear on the floor, caught jerking off to a picture of Taylor Swift and generally degenerating into a sour married couple. College experience officially ruined.
Scenario 2:
This is where one decent person gets stuck with a total loser, douchebag, rapist or pig. No fragile female freshman needs a trenchcoat mafia virgin watching them undress, or have fat drunken meatheads go through her underwear drawer. What about the normal guy who gets to live with a crazy PMS girl? Or unrequited love chick who wont leave the room when you bring back a ho and stalks you and talks to your mom on the phone for hours and hacks into your facebook account and posts crude status updates like “Pete Smith is eating his own shit crumbs.” VERY. DANGEROUS.

So, as you see, nothing good can come from young men and women living together as roommates in a college environment. People need to feel free to not do homework, rip bong hits, get undressed, beg for money on the phone with their parents, cry, puke in a yaffa block with their own kind.

This entry (Permalink) was posted on Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 at 7:35 am and is filed under Wait, What?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response , or trackback from your own site.