Hearing the news of John Hughes’ death last week put another nail in the proverbial coffin of my youth. First the King of Pop, now the King of the 80’s teen flick. Someone PLEASE put a red alert on Sebastian Bach, Bill Cosby, Sylvester Stallone, every Taylor from Duran Duran and Limahl from Kajagoogoo. I just can’t take another blow.

While all the Hughes movies were in heavy rotation this week, it occurred to me that no one ever seemed to give much consideration as to what happened to these characters AFTER the last, momentous, tear jerking, happily ever after kiss.

Sixteen Candles:

The legendary ending of this movie scarred me for life, giving me hope that a boy like Jake Ryan even existed, moreover that he would be leaning against his red Porsche waiting outside to see ME. So fine. Jake abandons his shallow, hot girlfriend for Molly Ringwald. They sit on a dining room table and kiss over a birthday cake. Then what?
What probably happens is that Samantha’s insecurities, annoying friends, glaring inexperience and eye rolling exasperation drive Jake crazy within the first week of hanging out. He quickly realizes that her size AA cotton blend Fruit of the Loom bra somehow doesn’t really match up with what he is used to and decides to go back to Carolyn. Its like he was tired of eating steak and just wanted to nibble a PB & J sandwich just to realize that it wasn’t as good as he remembered. Sorry, Molly. Redheads and hot guys never really work out.

Weird Science:

This movie ends with the two geeks totally confident, unnerded and dating the high school hotties. What happens after is that Lisa meets Steven Segall and gains 80 pounds, the hot girls wake up and realize that they just slept with Sophomore geeks and take scalding hot showers and immediately transfer to Jewish Day school. Gary and Wyatt are much more popular than they were, but fall from grace after another computer experiment they attempt goes awry when they accidentally create Bobby Trendy.
Chet dies during boot camp for first Gulf War.

Pretty in Pink:

Again, this ends with poor Molly Ringwald being kissed by rich BLANE and we are supposed to believe they live happily ever after? What happens after this is quite simple: Blane realizes he is gay, moves to East Hampton where he starts a Seersucker empire and haberdashery. Steff gets killed by his cocaine dealer/sometimes girlfriend named “Green Eyes” who claimed to be Pablo Escobar’s first cousin on her mom’s side. Andie’s deadbeat dad accidentally invents the Snuggie as he walked around his house wearing his comforter as a robe and they become crazy rich and move to Beverly Hills where Andie makes jewelry out of Snapple caps and sells them to Kitson. I’m still not sure about Duckie. I think he goes to New York and becomes a day shift janitor at The Limelight.

Any takes on Ferris Bueller? Some Kind of Wonderful? Breakfast Club???? Please advise.

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