I guess I don’t have to tell you that I choked on my diet coke this morning when I read that “Heathers” was going to be made into a—-wait for it—- TV show!! Anyone over the age of 25 can punch the person sitting next to them now.
Obviously Hollywood has been trying to rehash and “modernize” some 80’s and early 90’s classics. These movies do not translate into modern teenage American society, sorry. Remakes like “Footloose” seem ridiculous now, but for some reason made total sense 25 years ago.(Sorry Chase Crawford, you are too pretty and borderline gay to pull off angsty dance-aholic  Ren McCormack. It’ll just look like a total coming out of the closet movie. Who is slated to play the rhythm impaired Chris Penn sidekick? One of those fat Zack and Codys? Ninja, PLEASE!!) You just can’t mess with the classics. YOU JUST CAN’T!!!!
This brings me to “Heathers”, the crown jewel of late 80’s teenage social politics movie. Basically, it’s about Veronica, a girl trying to fit in with a bunch of shoulder padded, shallow bitches who rule the school. Enter JD, (prime Christian Slater and my imaginary boyfriend for about 7 weeks in 1988) a badass lunatic who thinks killing the popular crowd is the best revenge. Soon they realize that in death these kids become even more loved and popular then they were in life (see: Michael Jackson). This is where I start to confuse this movie with “Pump Up the Volume.” Sorry.
Needless to say, I think that “Heathers” which spoofed bullying and suicide and blowing up your teenage enemies doesn’t exactly work in today’s climate when kids ACTUALLY do this kind of thing. When it originally came out, it was funny because it was a fantasy~a black comedy that made fun of teenagers’ insecurities and pent up anger. Something tells me the modern version will include lots of texting, MySpace harassment, Facebook hacking and possibly a CSI Miami storyline. Personally, I am against the whole idea. I don’t need another excuse to give Shannen Doherty a job (I anticipate her making an appearance as a guidance counselor) or to see some twink portray Christian Slater, probably the cutest deviant of my generation. I have an idea: if you want to make over an 80’s movie, how about Tootsie? Everyone loves a drag queen these days!!!
 

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