I really tried to do my best and watch American Idol this season and give you my awesomely insightful commentary. But I am now here to tell you that I can no longer subject myself to this hideous task. The contestants SUCK shitballs. The songs each week pierce my brain like a knitting needle that just keeps KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING. Who selects the song lists? Why do these people choose the worst songs ever made in modern history? Couldnt they do “Gay Club” week and all sing songs by Erasure and  Yaz? How about “Seattle Grunge” week? I wouldnt mind hearing a little Pearl Jam or Smashing Pumpkins once in a while. I just may be interested to see all 760 lbs of Michael Lynche sing something off the Singles soundtrack.

We get it already . Crystal is going to win. She’s like 120 gigalight years ahead of the other performers. She’s so good (comparatively speaking), I almost will forgive her for looking like Peppermint Patty’s runaway sister. I think everyone should cut their losses and call it a day- or get that Taiwanese fat kid with the Whitney Houston voice to make an appearance. Hell, I’d even get Blind Scott from last year back, at least it was fun to watch him do the dance moves.

In case you are wondering, my breaking point happened while watching Siobhan Magnus perform, and I started to think that her mouth looked like a veeg that was 100% dilated and fully effaced. And I said to myself, ” You’re a sick person. Your mind should never go places like that, not even after a few drinks.” Then I started to REALLY hallucinate and had a vision of–get this– Mary J Blige wearing a blond lampshade wig singing “Stairway to Heaven” with Travis Barker on drums and Randy Jackson on bass!!!!!!! I was fucking tripping, I tell you! Then Ken Seeley AND Jeff Vanvonderen came to my house and told me that American Idol is a horrible drug and no good can come from watching it, and listening to bad singing is just courting disaster. They offered me help- some clinic in Delray I think- where I will detox out my ears and brain with some chanting, meditation and group therapy. We will be encouraged to talk about happier musical times, like the time I saw the Chili Peppers at Roseland in ‘94 or when I sat next to Lou Reed at Falai and I felt like I was in the presence of greatness. I also felt he looked alot like my Grandma Ruth.

I’ll be in touch from the clinic. Maybe Dr. Drew will visit me there!

So the New York Times forgot to mention our very own photo food blog, Eat This,  in an article they published last week called People Who Photograph Food.

Thanks, New York Times.

The article includes the link to this foodie flickr group: I Ate This.

Not to toot my own horn, but I don’t notice any of these other bloggers or flickr-ers giving food reviews along with their food photos. I think that makes the PopSerious/Eat This column the best photo food blog out there - even if the last food photos came a year and a half ago. Doh. That just means we were ahead of the curve.

Guess I better bust out my camera.

 EAT THIS: More food for more photos.

This is Elvis. He is great. The Idol contestants are not.

American Idol really served up the Snore burger with a side of vomit  last night when they went ahead and proved just how lame the remaining contestants are by making them perform Elvis fucking Presley, the gold standard of American music. In case you missed it, Elvis was the first whitey in this country to perform what is now known as rock n’ roll and basically changed music as we know it with his voice, charisma and gorgeous face. You may also know him as the fat dude who invented the fried peanut butter and bacon sandwich (pure genius) and the unfortunate soul who died while dropping a deuce. ANYWAY. These people are no Elvis Presleys. NONONONO.
Adam Lambert was the guest mentor, which was awkward. Don’t get me wrong, I love Adam’s eyeliner and tight pants but it was a little Uncle Rico of him to show up. You don’t need to go back to your high school and tell all the freshmen how cool you are. We get it, Adam.
Honestly, I wish we could choose what these people sing, instead of the songbooks of dated, iconic musicians. Thoughts:

Crystalmeth: I missed her performance!! I’m sorry I was too busy making an English muffin and lost track of time. IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make her sing “Signs” by Tesla.
Andrew Garcia: Dios Mio. I wanted to kill myself, honestly. IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make him sing “Informer” by Snow.
Mike Lynche: “Siobhan said I should sing “In the Ghetto”. WHAAAT? Really, Siobhan? That is so fucking racist! I bet her great grandfather really was a General in the Wermacht. IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make him sing “My Girl Likes To Party All the Time” by Eddie Murphy. Because its awesome.
Lee Dewyze:  Hmm. Above average. Yet he bores me and reminds me of someone who would live next door to you in your dorm. Someone who would go in with you to order meatball subs at 3 am and someone you can have a full conversation with in your towel on the way to the bathroom. IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make him sing “Rooster” by Alice in Chains.
Siobhan Magnus: Uchhhh. A) She looked like an adult guest at my 1987 Bat Mitzvah with that hair and outfit. COME ON!  B) Her mouth is disturbingly large. She should enter a hotdog mouth stuffing contest. I bet she can fit about 33 hot dogs in her mouth at once. IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make her sing “Destination Unknown” by Missing Persons, mostly because she will probably wind up a crazy cat lady in New Hampshire with a ton of tattoos and 4 fans who still remember her. Sorry, Dale Bozzio.
Katie Stevens: No comment, Steve’s dad. But IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make her sing “Talk Dirty to Me” by Poison. It just makes sense somehow.
Aaron Kelly: Oh dear. He sang so hard last night I think he pushed his first pube out with all that effort. I am sure his vagina looks more mature now. IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make him sing “Livin la Vida Loca”. Personal reasons.
Tim Urban: Tim’s version of “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” was reminiscent of a Jason Castro “Hallelujah” where the guy finally nails it with his cute smile and delicate falsetto and 12 million females swoon and completely forget how terrible he really is. Women will give it up for a sweet sweet love song. However, IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make him sing “Rio” by Duran Duran.
Casey James: Blahblahblahbah.  IN A PERFECT WORLD, I would make him sing anything by Kansas, Boston, America or the guys who sing “Slow Ride”. Blah.
 

Today the most shocking and intriguing sex pest story since that seal that raped that penguin hit the net.  Steven Seagal Sued for Allegedly Keeping Sex Slaves.  Ummm… WHAT?  How did this happen?  What’s going on?  Who Am I? Why am I here?  I don’t want you all to miss a beat of this, and frankly, I need some help understanding this, so let’s go line by line through this article posted today on TheWrap.com …

Seagal sued for allegedly keeping sex slaves
Former model claims actor assaulted her, kept ‘attendants’ on call
By Josh Dickey
Steven Seagal is accused of hiring young women as personal attendants whose real job was to serve his strange and sometimes violent sexual desires, according to a civil lawsuit filed Monday in Los Angeles by a 23-year-old former model who describes her experience in harrowing detail.  – Hmmm, “former model” huh?  Is that like a recovering adult film star?  I’m a skeptic, but straight forward enough, if you can suppress your first WHAT THE FACE you’re doing okay.  Let’s read on…

The plaintiff, Kayden Nguyen, said she met the action star in February through an ad on Craigslist seeking an executive assistant and, after three interviews, was told to pack for a trip to New Orleans, where the A&E show “Steven Seagal Lawman” was taping. – CRAIGSLIST!  I bet it was in the “Missed Connections” portion.  Who believes that SSL (Steven Seagal Lawman) is hiring his assistant off Craigslist?  I know he’s down and out, but he clearly still has an agent.  This is incredulous.

When she arrived, the lawsuit says, she discovered that Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian “attendants” who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven. – And this seemed to be okay with her, because…

On that first night, Nguyen was ushered to a secluded house where Seagal was staying with his wife and the two young women. He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says. – SHE STAYED!  Now, show of hands, who here would stay in a house with Steven Seagal and his 2 Russian Sex Slaves?  Dena, put your hand down, you would not.  Please note the use of the word “complain.”

She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills.” – So, she was “used as a sex” toy and the next morning, I picture it went something like this… she comes downstairs and pours herself some coffee while talking to the chef, maid and personal trainer and just whines about the night before, the same way Brenda bitches about Kelly in old 90210 episodes.  Doesn’t leave, just kvetches long enough that SSL comes and forces some roofies down her throat to relive the whole ordeal again.

The following morning, when she confronted Seagal herself, he told her there had been a “misunderstanding”; but hours later, he assaulted her a third time, an attack that stopped only when she ran away, according to the lawsuit. – Who is this woman??!?!  RUN!  Leave!  Don’t confront Steven Seagal – he’s not going to listen to you!  This girl’s an idiot.

The ordeal carried on for several days, and it wasn’t until Feb. 28 — the following Sunday — that she was able to escape the situation, the lawsuit says. – Probably because she tipped him off she was pissed about the whole being used thing.

The lawsuit says Nguyen told Seagal that she had to leave to meet with family members who would be suspicious if she didn’t show up. Nonetheless, he told her not to leave the house and followed her with a gun equipped with a flashlight as she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat. – SSL followed her with a  gun equipped with a flashlight.  This is the most believable part of this story.

A message left by TheWrap with the action star’s attorney, Stuart Rosenthal, was not immediately returned Monday. Messages left with A&E were also not immediately returned.  – Of course they didn’t return messages.  Would you?

It was not clear why Kayden Nguyen chose to file a civil lawsuit instead of a criminal complaint. Messages left with her lawyers were not immediately returned Monday.  – I know why, because she clearly doesn’t understand the law.  Or lawmen. 

Nguyen’s lawsuit claims that even after she got away, Seagal and his employees tried desperately to persuade her to return. When she escaped, she left behind “everything of value she owned,” including car keys, her laptop, clothes, and “hundreds of dollars worth of makeup.” She was told she would not get the items back until she signed an agreement stating she would not report the sexual attacks. – She had car keys?!?!  Why didn’t she leave???  Hundreds of dollars of makeup???  Show of hands, would you sign an agreement saying you would not report that Steven Seagal raped you for you hundreds of dollars of makeup back?  Dena, put your hand down, you would not.

The lawsuit says Nguyen had accepted the job on Feb. 22, a Monday, and was sped in a limo to a waiting private jet. Her first indication that something was awry was when Seagal told her, as the plane was taking off, that his wife “wouldn’t mind if we had a sexual relationship.” – and she didn’t get off the plane.  After getting the job on Craigslist and being hit on very explicitly by SSL, and wait!  HOLD THE PHONE, his WIFE?  Where was his wife throughout the ordeal?  This story has more holes than a moldy piece of swiss cheese.

Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is. – I will be following up on this, you bet I will!  I don’t even know what this means.

The lawsuit alleges sexual harassment in violation of federal labor laws; illegal sex trafficking; retaliation; wrongful termination; and false representations about employment. Each of the six counts seeks in excess of $1 million in damages. – but not rape.  Hmmmm…

There you go.  Steven Seagal is a perv.  And this is supposed to be shocking.  The only thing I can even think to say now is, no lies, I thought Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude VanDamme were the same person for 10 years and if this story was about Jean-Claude VanDamme it would be equally 100 percent believable.  Enough trash, I have to go watch Glee.

As Dena mentioned, I have yet again been MIA in the interwebs, save for the occasional tweet. My arch nemesis, Writer’s Block (Lawrence Block’s evil cousin) has foiled me yet again, mostly due to the only nerd news in the past several months consisting of obsessive iPad updates. The name is humorous and it’s just a giant iPod Touch, WE GET IT. Yes, there have been the occasional local news/robots/bad ’60s beach party movies on TV/Lady Gaga/weird foreign music moments that usually inspire me, but alas I only got a few sentences out of them and thus none ever came to fruition.  The notebook I write my ideas in looks like a day’s worth of mumbling from the mouth of the town crazy who thinks Oprah is out to get him:

• Olympics withdrawl/ Will Philadelphia disown me if I openly declare my love for Sidney Crosby?
•  3D movies are stupid. 3D TV is worse, even if George Takei is promoting it. You’ve failed me, George.
• Christopher Lee released a metal album. My life is a little bit closer to completion knowing this.
• My Dad saw a poster for the second ‘Sex and the City’ movie and thought it was for a sequel to ‘Carrie.’ I would rather be at that prom in ‘Carrie’ than see anything to do with ‘Sex and the City.’
• Things I’ve learnt working in a library
• GNOMES!
• Watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ with Nana and write about it? (I’m not masochistic enough to do this to myself)
•  Am I the only person in the world who didn’t think ‘The Hangover’ was as funny as everyone claims?
• Watch the worst rated movies on IMDB/Razzie award winners and MST3K them (Would do this, but I have a crush on the video store guy and like hell I’m letting him see me rent ‘From Justin to Kelly,’ even if it is in the name of blogging.)
• I hate the new MGMT song so so much

Since I’ve had so much trouble looking for nerd news, I’m just going to have to go right to the source. I will wander pursuing the best comic book stores, cult movie filming locations (Monroeville Mall, watch out!), and anything else I happen to come across. This idea branched out from one told to me by a friend in Australia, where he would board an arbitrary bus and stay on it until he ended up at a beach. I shall spend my weekends a la Jack Kerouac’s search for the greatest pancakes in the land, except with more ‘Boy Meets World’ references. First up: Adventure to Sonic (the restaurant, not the blue hedgehog).  You’ve been warned.

Somehow I got suckered into doing the American Idol commentating this year, which is weird because I haven’t focused on a season since Richard Hatch won the million dollars in the finale a bunch of years ago. Anyhoo, with Meg relocating back to the states and Erdahl doing her thesis on Justin Bieber, (and btw, where are you Danielle?) I decided to give it a go.
The music of Lennon and McCartney. Whoa. That’s like super duper hard core shit. That’s like aural gold. That’s just “look but don’t touch” music.  But people never learn..they always touch it and hold it and mangle it and choke it and leave it dead on the side of the stage. Not that I care about the Beatles, mind you. God help the American Idols if they ever have Motley Crue night. Seriously, I’ll go ballistic.
Everyone was meh, except Crystalmeth who will DEFINITELY have her didgeradoo rendition of “Come Together” on her first album and DEFINITELY be playing it at Lilith Fair next spring (Watch out Paula Cole).
I don’t have any particular criticisms of the night, mostly because I was watching LOST and flipping back and forth during commercials, but all I know is this: Aaron Kelly is 98% gay, Casey James needs to stop frosting his hair and wearing it like Reese Witherspoon and Siobhan Magnus looks EXACTLY like Jerri Blank.
That is all for now.

(If you’ve forgotten parts 1, 2&3 or 4 of I’m a Belieber, click on the numbers to get up-to-speed.  This isn’t season 6 of LOST and you’re not getting a recap.)

I’m back.  I know it’s late and I’m making no apology.  I’m sick of this Bieber crap.  I needed a weekend away.  Since I started Blogventure Bieber, he’s been everywhere.  I’ve tried to avoid television, radio and the interweb, but people keep brining him up in casual conversation and sending me links, emails and text messages to tell me they’ve seen him, like I have an Amber Alert out on the kid.  I don’t.  Please stop.  I love you friend-os, but I’m riding a fine line of sanity, and I’m one butterfly wing flap away from falling into a madness akin to Teddy Daniels.  That said, I promised my Woodward mind and Bernstein pen would take you into the innermost circle of Beliebers.  Now I am prepared to do just that. 

After only 20 minutes on the Justin Bieber fan sites I am scared.  I fear for is the future of communication in this world.  I don’t know if it’s just a craze that’s gone overboard, but every comment on these pages is written in textese.  It’s like children cannot write full sentences without using a number or the letter ‘z’ in an inappropriate place, spell without abbreviations or finish a sentence without adding extraneous letters to a word.  My point is best illustrated with actual quotes from the site:

• “JUSTIN BIEBER I REEEEEAAALY LUV U BUT IF U CAM TO MY HOUSE I WOULDNT GO CRAZY ILL TALK TO U AND THEN ILL ASK U IF U WOULD LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME!!!”
• “do u girlz think Justin Bieber is hot I am a boy not a gay boy I am his cozen I am a singer to.”
• “I luv UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, Justin.”  

Parents, get your kids off these fan sites and into some good literature*, if not to avoid Chris Hansen showing up on your front stoop, then to teach your children proper use of apostrophes and how to spell the word “cousin.”

I’m done here.  No need to spend any more time on this, here’s what the entire 5 days of being a Belieber have boiled down to: Belieber Scale = 2.  Respect for the folks that have molded this lump of clay, but I’m not a Belieber.  You know what else?  It DOESN’T MATTER, because this kid is gripping the nation right now!  On twitter if you search the name “Bieber” you’ll find pages upon pages of folks with “bieber” in their screenname.  I only had the energy to go through 7 of them.  They are all crazed Biebninjas (actual screenname).  One more Belieber will make no difference. Now I’d like to close this foray into investigative journalism with a message just for Justin. 

Dear Justin Bieber,

Hi.  It’s been a real rollercoaster ride this week, huh?  Listen, I’m not a fan of yours.  I’m not even sorry about it.  You understand, I’m sure.  Your music is simply not my cup of tea.  I prefer the sounds of a book smart rocker 5 times my age over the cotton candy fluff of a lad half my age.  It’s okay.  Agree to disagree.  However, you can possibly sway me.  After seeing a couple of your appearances on talk shows this week, please stick to scripted material until you’re less of an idiot.  You’re going to go all one trick pony by attempting flirting on any woman alive and talking about your love of the fans.  Don’t do that.  Be yourself.  Be a petulant 16-year-old spoiled brat.  It’ll be amazing.  You’ll get way more street cred and then, and only then, will I be a Belieber.  

Best of luck with your empire,
erdahl 

*the writers of popserious in no way condone children reading our smut.

Scientific name: Jillzarin Magnayenta Miserpod
Sex: Female
Natural Habitat: Manhattan’s Upper East Side/ East End of Long Island
Observations:
The Jillzarin is a rare creature with unusual survival skills. The Jillzarin by nature is a nondescript animal with no significant physical attributes. With the help of external factors at its disposal, such as the ability to camouflage into its surroundings and similar female species of its kind, this unique creature manages to survive and thrive in an otherwise hostile environment.
What the Jillzarin lacks in physical strength or beauty is made of for with its sharp wit and calculating mind. It will surround itself with creatures who are less durable, resilient or prosperous in order to project a dominant, and thereby more powerful persona. The Jillzarin Magnayenta Miserpod is often found socializing exclusively with creatures that are injured, struggling or alone. This tactic is an inherent, inborn survival skill that is essential for the Jillzarin’s continued existence in the perilous environment of the Upper Middle(or Lower Upper) class of the island of Manhattan.
When the Jillzarin feels threatened, its only natural defense mechanism is to turn against members of its own pack, using its high shrill voice to warn off oncoming danger and keep potential threats at bay. The Jillzarin has no instinctual loyalty or protective inclinations towards members of its pack unless it will indirectly serve its own best interests. Therefore, pack members and social relations are maintained for self preservation and self promotional purposes only.
It is hard to determine how the Jillzarin developed, however it is believed that after becoming a part of a successful pack and moving into a safe haven that protects it from imminent social death, it has grown into a stronger species with a more heightened sense of power and self worth. Scientists are currently researching the possible DNA modification that may have transformed the Jillzarin creature into a dangerous and formidable species.

Day 4 of trying to be a Belieber.  I’m dehydrated.  I’m sore.  I’m sick of seeing nothing but Bieber everywhere I turn.  It feels like the scene in Being John Malkovich when Cameron Diaz enters John Malkovich’s head AS John Malkovich.  It’s very confusing and sticky and weird.  I can’t keep running around in my own head about this, so I’m going to the experts.  The kids.  This is Bieber’s bread and butter.  If anyone can convince me that the turd has talent it’s these young’uns.  Here’s a breakdown of opinion by group interviewed. 

5 year old girls:  Beliebers

When my friend played a Bieber song for her 5 year old daughter, the little lass immediately started singing and dancing.  Singing.  Even though it was the FIRST time she had heard the song.  That’s how easy these songs are to memorize, a 5-year-old could sing the words to it when she’d never heard it before.  Another thing she’d never done before was see a photo of Justin Bieber.  When shown, her eyes bugged out of her head and she declared him CuuuuUUUTE!  However, she also imparted the best wisdom and critique I’ve gleaned about Bieber’s music, she liked it because “It sounds like a boy AND a girl!”  Interesting… 

Now, for the most part I think that this miniature chica is just a bouncy, happy-go-lucky agreeable kid, so she answered affirmative to every question posed.  “Do you like this music?” YEEEAH!  “If you could listen to Justin Bieber at any time of day would you?” YAAAAY!  “Who would you rather hear, Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus?” MILEY CYRUS!  Sorry, Biebs. 

First Grade Boys and Girls: Belibers

When a class of performing arts magnet school first graders were asked “who is this Justin Bieber fellow?” They went ape.  First graders love Justin Bieber.  They know his songs – and sang them.  They know his dances – and did them…it’s really just a lot of bouncing side to side.  One boy declared Bieber’s hair as “awesome” and then did an impression of it (he simply flattened his own hair and pushed it all forward).   

More than anything, though, what I learned from first graders is that they are LIARS and not to be trusted.  These kids may or may not actually like Justin.  It’s hard to tell, because they’ll say anything for attention.  While one girl claimed to “Listen to his songs all day on my ipod” another said “his concert is coming up and I’m going to go.”  These are inner-city first graders, folks.  The likelihood that they either have ipods or concert tickets is about the same as me actually becoming a Belieber.  Slim.  Finally, in the biggest deception of all one girl claimed Beiber’s “mom is really nice.”  Like they’re friends.  Like she knew her.  LIES!  All lies.  (p.s. this age group is comprised of dirty thieves, so if you have anything that’s animal print or bedazzled that goes missing, consult your closest first grader) 

5^th Grade Boys: NOT Beliebers

They do not like Justin Bieber.  They do not have any friends who like Justin Bieber.  They do not own his music. But, they also will not tell you what music they do like.  As much as first graders are liars, 5^th grade boys are secretive.  They claim “they don’t know” - - - ladies, I think this is where this whole man mystery starts.  If we could get men to express feelings in 5^th grade, I think we could change the world.  All 5^th grade boys want to say is that “Justin Bieber Sucks” and “he’s a poser” and he “sounds and acts like a girl.”   

In order to probe further on this specific group of kids I pulled out the big guns questions… “If stranded on a desert island with Justin Bieber, would you have a problem killing him for food if your life depended on it?”  NO PROBLEM.  “I got us tickets to the Justin Bieber concert.  Wanna go?” I would still go…I guess, but it would stink as my FIRST ever concert. 

5^th Grade Girls: TOTAL Beliebers

Okay, so we have uncovered it here, this piece is so much larger than I ever imagined.  5^th grade is where boys and girls split.  5^th Grade Girls Love Justin Bieber.  They think he’s “hot” and “absolutely gorgeous – just look at him.  I love his hair!”  Really ladies?  Really?  This is the new heartthrob?  Okay…  Overall, I think these girls are suffering from some severe delusions.  One signs her emails with the signature “I AM JUSTIN BIEBER’S WIFE, GET USED TO IT BUBS!!! SINCERELY, FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME, BIEBER” (her last name is not Bieber).  That’s a pretty strong sign-off, although, I am pleased that she has the manners to say “sincerely.” 

Junior High Girls: Beliebers: sure.  Team Jacob: YES

The last group I targeted was the tween-teen girls.  I skipped the boys, I figured they have enough sense to see through this kid to what he is, the girls however, my ladies!  What is going on?!  One 13 year old is sternly not speaking to her mother because the Bieber concert rolls through town while the family will be on vacation.  This girl is pissed because there has been no discussion of rearranging the fam vaca plans to meet the needs of the greater Beiber.   

4 out of 5 of the young ladies I interviewed had 1-4 Beiber songs representin’ on their ipods.  The last sheepishly said she was “having computer problems but would download them as soon as possible” (nerd of the group or only one with sense???  I say sense).  They all think he’s cute, but given the choice, Taylor “Statutory” Lautner has the HOT vote all locked up.  Again…LADIES LADIES LADIES!  Is it not clear that Taylor Lautner is the Ricky Martin of our generation?  Seriously, I cannot watch this kid in any sort of appearance without knowing that in the back of his head he’s desperately pleading with himself “Don’t be gay.  Don’t be gay. Don’t be gay.”  Comon’ let’s get you into some good crush-worthy fare.  Chris Pine?  Sam Worthington?  George Clooney?  By the way, this group was superiorly not amused when as an April Fool they were told they were being given tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.   

Belieber Scale: 3.  I’m not a Belieber any more than I was 2 days ago.  In fact, I’m less so and now I have the added bonus that I’m fearful for the generation after me when I need to lean on them in retirement.  Oh lord, now I know how my Grandparents felt when I brought home a Bel Biv Devoe tape.  Utterly helpless and afraid.  Just today, Bieber has taken over Funny or Die.  I can’t help but think that my little blog is helping to feed the machine.  Only one more day to go.  Tomorrow, I brave – the fanclubs.

(special thanks to all the kids and parents who enabled this tripe.  i really appreciate your time!)

Poor Didi. I cant believe they sent her packing on the time waster before LOST starts American Idol. I liked her- she may not be totally EXCITING, but she has one of those soothing voices ala Ingrid Michaelson/Feist/Sara Bareilles that I like to hear playing in my gynecologist’s office or on a commercial for face wash. Plus, she’s attractive and I am sure we havent seen the last of her yet. I predict in a year’s time she will have a People magazine cover story about her mysterious heart break, be dating  a NHL player and be huge in Israel. Trust me on this one.

Its no secret that Bowersox is gonna take this contest- its obvious at this point and everyone knows it. I can already picture her album aptly named”Crystal Clear” with picture of her laying in a daisy field or something. But what of the others? What shall become of them?????

Aaron Kelly:

Aaron has a lot of growing up to do, but he looks like he could parlay his singing career into Christian music. Because he is adorable and asexual and generally boring. All things Christian people pretend to like.

Big Mike Lynche:

He is kinda good, but annoying and saccharine. Dont cry for Big Mike, though. He will make his Broadway debut in the musical adaptation of “The Blind Side.”

Siobhan Magnus:

This one is easy. Siobhan will be on a Greyhound to NYC faster than you can say Taylor Momsen and end up being a fixture on the hipster scene, going to places like Bowery Electric and guest DJ’ing here and there while working at American Apparel. She will date my friend Lawrence for several months until she reveals that her great-grandfather was a General in the Wermacht or when she accidentally erases his ipod. Whichever comes first.

Katie Stevens:

God Forbid I should say anything negative about Katie, based on the hater mail we received last week. Katie will end up at Yale, play Golda in the Drama department’s rendition of “Fiddler on the Roof” and think she’s hot shit because everyone in her dorm is talking about the celebrity sighting they keep having in the cafeteria. She soon finds out Dakota Fanning lives down the hall.

Lee Dewyze:

I have high hopes for Lee. Such as doing a duet with Nickelback, opening up for Lighthouse or replacing the lead singer of the Gin Blossoms on their tour of county fairs and BBQ contests this summer. He may also date Jessica Simpson.

Casey James:

Casey is the kind of cute that appeals to a large demographic. I will say all 5-85 year old women agree that Casey is just the cutest EVER. He will most likely become the break out star who isnt the winner (Adam Lambert, Clay Aiken) and be the lead in Rock of Ages once Constantine Maroulis has had enough. Which may be never.

Andrew Garcia:

Andrew’s one shining moment in his life will always be singing Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” during Hollywood week. It will never get better. The only time we will ever see him again is when he shows up on L.A. Ink to get some commemorative tattoo of a family member (or the words “straight up”–that would be cool) and having Kat Von D pretend to give a shit about his life story.

Tim Urban:

Tim sucks. SO BAD IT HURTS. However, he will get a Country record deal because he has an Abercrombie body and an apple pie face. He will win an award in about 2 years and date Selena Gomez or iCarly. He will be in J-14 magazine. He will be Huge.

That’s all folks. Mark my words. By the way, Jin and Sun’s daughter is the chosen one to take over the island for Jacob. The name Kwon written on the cave wall is for her- not them, considering she is the result of the only viable pregnancy on the island. Mark my words.